You’re a Celebrity. Shut up.

November 19th, 2017

What do you do when you’re lost and don’t know what to do, think, or say? What about when you’re scared or just can’t make sense of things? When the whole world seems wrong, who can make it right again? If your answer is Hollywood, or any of its empty-headed stars, please hop on your SJW scooter and roll into some traffic.

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting pretty tired of actors, actresses, comedians, and models constantly trying to tell me what’s right and what’s wrong. They’ll lecture you about your selfish ways and your refusal to hand everything you have over to the government via taxes, yet you’ll never see them give up their luxury cars, mansions, private jets, and entourage of yes-men and body guards. Being that they play pretend for a living, I guess we can’t really expect them to actually live up to anything they say, let alone truly believe any of it themselves.

Take Jimmy Kimmel for example. This pasty ass wipe spent his childhood years idolizing David Letterman, so it’s no wonder why he turned out to be such a worthless waste of life. Years ago, when I wrote an article about how much I hate David Letterman, I made mention of how he gave rise to Jimmy Kimmel. That was 6 years ago, but I think now Kimmel has surpassed Letterman in pompous douchebaggery. He even had to copy David Letterman’s post-9/11 crying with some blubbering on his own show. Kimmel loves to tell us how we shouldn’t have guns and how people who support gun rights are evil. It seems to be a case of “do as I say, not as I do” as his personal security team is rather heavily armed. He’s also said that Republicans and those who vote for them should be praying to God for forgiveness. Correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t “Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery” one of the Ten Commandments? Sounds like you’d better step away from the soap box and into the confessional if you’re going to try to give us any religious guidance there Jimmy.

A man who cheats on his wife to fuck Sarah Silverman of all people isn’t just morally weak – he’s also flat-out insane. After all of his condescending preaching and finger-in-your-face moralization, it seems he doesn’t seem to be anywhere near the loving, tolerant old sage he makes himself out to be. In his “not good riddance, but riddance” speech, he flat out admits he doesn’t want to have conversations with anyone who holds viewpoints that differ from his own. He doesn’t directly state that, but rather bumbles into saying it more or less accidentally in a rare moment of honesty which probably resulted in about 3 weeks of crying, bubble soap, and adult coloring books in his safe space.

I’m also getting pretty sick of Jennifer Lawrence. If it weren’t for her constant hate speech, I probably wouldn’t even know she existed. She’s a shitty actress, which is really saying something, considering how devoid of talent the movie industry in this country is today. She always takes the safe road though and makes ignorant, seething diatribes against Christians, whites, straight men, and anyone else who she knows she can discriminate against without facing any repercussions. She’s come out with several gems such as this:

“All those people holding their crucifixes, which may as well be pitchforks, thinking they’re fighting the good fight. I grew up in Kentucky. I know how they are.”


“My view on the election is pretty cut and dried: If Donald Trump is president of the United States, it will be the end of the world. And he’s also the best thing to happen to the Democrats ever.”

First off, let’s imagine she replaced crucifixes with “turbans” or “crescent moon symbols”. Let’s also imagine she said anything about Muslims, Atheists, or any minority group and followed it up with, “I know how they are.” She’d be blacklisted and hated by everyone in the industry and never work again. Taking the cowardly approach toward bigotry allows her to be just as hateful and ignorant, yet still beloved by her legion of drooling fans.

Let’s look at the second quote. Whether you love or hate President Trump, saying he’s the best thing that ever happened to the Democrats is probably the most insipid statement I’ve ever heard. Hillary lost an election rigged in her favor and Democrats are facing historic lows in congress. It doesn’t exactly seem like President Trump entering the scene helped them very much. Also, I’m here typing this article that nobody will ever read, so apparently the world didn’t end either. The problem with celebrity worship is that it allows ignorant blowhards like Jennifer Lawrence to actually have a voice that is echoed throughout the nation.

Idiots who are too lazy to do any of their own research or pick up a history book get their opinions from movies and music. They’re getting their world views, again, from people who get paid to pretend all day and are given so much money for it that they never live in the real world and therefore can’t relate to any of the experiences of a typical person. Their massive wealth (that somehow is okay for them to have, but not for corporations that actually produce things of value) allows them to be unaffected by virtually anything that happens, so childlike fantasies of how the world should or does work still seem viable to them.

Hey Canada, how are you liking all of our celebrities who moved up your way like they said they would? Oh right, my mistake. None of them did it. I’d be lying if I said I were certain from the outset that President Trump was the candidate I wanted to see in the White House (I was a Ben Carson supporter), but in the end it really didn’t matter who the Republican candidate was. Any person, no matter what they do or say, will always have Hollywood and the mass media’s support if their name is followed by a (D) or their condemnation if it’s followed by an (R). Cain, Carson, Cruz and any other candidate who beat Hillary would face the exact same vitriol as Trump is now.  It doesn’t matter that corruption, greed, and ignorance has spread through Washington to the point where one party really is no different from the other. All that matters is that every state turns blue because, you know, Fox News.

Celebrities did nothing but piss and moan about people supposedly giving Obama a hard time and behaving in an obstructionist manner, yet they feel opposing our current President and anything he says or does is just fine and dandy. That’s the best benefit of being an elitist; everyone else is always wrong and you’re always right. Not only that, but you get to stomp your feet and cry about privilege while you sit in your multi-million dollar palace, getting ready to put on your $25,000 dress before hopping into a limousine to go to a private party that costs more money than the average American makes in three years.

The funny thing is that nobody every asks for a celebrity’s opinions. We just have them thrown at us like monkey feces every time our simian stars opens their hypocritical mouth. Have you ever heard U2’s “Crumbs from Your Table”? It’s a song deriding us for being selfish and not giving enough to others. Damndest thing though, because if Bono lived up to what he says in his lyrics, he’d certainly be sporting some cheaper clothes, living in a much smaller home, and riding buses to his gigs. That’s not about to happen.

We’re also unlucky enough to have Amy Schumer. Having Chuck Schumer is bad enough, but the fact that we have to deal with two asshats from the same evil slime mold of a family shows that we’ve all done something horribly wrong and are now being punished for it. Amy Schumer loves to talk feminism, rape culture, the objectification of women, and so on. Still, she poses nude at every opportunity, loves to talk about how many guys bang her, and tries to turn everything about being female into a comedy bit. That’s showing a lot less respect to women than what she demands out of the rest of us.

Amy Schumer’s message to women and girls seems to be, “Never let anyone tell you how you look matters, but get naked all the time anyway to prove that you can be fat and still be hot. Always respect yourself and demand that others do too, but at the same time, never forget that you’re a punchline by virtue of your gender. There’s gold in them thar vajay-jays girls – comedic gold!” Amy Schumer claiming to be a champion of feminism and women’s rights is like Jared Fogel (Subway guy) claiming to be the leading crusader in the fight against child pornography. Thinking about Schumer and Fogel both within the span of a minute is probably going to render me impotent for life. That’s probably a good thing though, because it means we’ll have that many fewer potential celebrities coming into the world, and better yet, that many fewer celebrity worshipers.


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