Reese’s Owes Our Big Fat Asses a Big Fat Apology

August 3rd, 2016

I don’t normally get all that excited about candy. I do love my Zagnut and Skor bars, but generally I’m much more one for the grease-laden snacks than I am one for the sweets. However, I still enjoy a good dessert-themed product from time to time and around six months ago, I heard a some third-hand food gossip that got my attention. The long and short of it was that Reese’s was coming out with a new peanut butter cup with Reese’s Pieces lodged inside. I decided to go online and see if there was anything to this and saw that there were indeed plans for such a product to be produced. Needless to say, I was elated and had my clogged heart set on trying them out as soon as they hit the market.

The timing of this rollout was also highly opportune. As anyone who’s read this website loyally over the years (and God help you if you fall into that category) knows, it’s been a while since I’ve been able to eat peanut butter products due to a disgusting airport experience that temporarily ruined it for me. Let me take you back in time for a moment. The year is 2006 and the day is May 30th. I was at the Minneapolis/St Paul Airport on a 3 hour connection and was trying to find an open seat in the food court in which to eat my Filet-o-Fish sandwich. The only one I was able to find was directly across from a very portly young man with a severe case of acne. He’d chosen to go the cheap route and was eating a peanut butter and jelly sandwich he’d brought from home. He was eating it with his mouth wide open and while doing so, was displaying thick strings of peanut butter colored phlegm moving between his teeth and tongue. For about the next nine years I’d nearly vomit when even trying to eat peanut butter.

Now let’s return to the present time. After a good deal of effort, I’ve overcome this culinary obstacle and once again can dine on peanut butter based foods. After months of obsessively calling and visually scanning every grocery and convenience store in my area to see if they had the new peanut butter cups, I finally found some at the North Branford Big Y this past week. A rather festive looking display caught my eye and to my delight, it contained the Reese’s Pieces infused peanut butter cups. Quaking with anticipation, I grabbed a king sized package, added it to my grocery cart, and proceeded to the checkout aisle.

Upon my return home, I put all of the other groceries away so that I could have the new peanut butter cups front and center at the table with nothing else around to distract me from them. I carefully opened up the package, bit into one of the cups, and then plunged into a vortex of bitter disappointment. These were not at all what I had expected they would be. I was picturing peanut butter cups with full Reese’s Pieces contained inside. Instead of this, they just contained shards of the Reese’s Pieces candy shells. It was just like eating any other Reese’s peanut butter cup, only it had a slightly more grainy texture to it. I felt crushed, betrayed, and confused. I could only imagine the feelings of disillusionment that were brewing in my chunky brethren nationwide.

Now this isn’t the first time I’ve been burned by a candy company. When I was 11, I was eating a Butterfinger bar and started to choke violently on something abnormally hard inside of it. When I managed to dislodge it from my throat, I saw that it was a piece of green plastic, most likely a piece of broken circuit board. I contacted the company about this and was only given a gift certificate for 3 free Nestle products, which at the time came at a value of $1.50. While I was a little insulted even at the age of 11 that Nestle only thought my life to be worth $1.50, I was still happy to have the candy bars and could live with the insult. This time around I just got nothing.

After staring at the unsatisfying candy that lay before me and thinking of what might have been, I decided to go to Walgreens, where I bought regular Reese’s peanut butter cups and a container of Reese’s Pieces. I brought both home and stuffed the Reese’s Pieces inside of the cups, both so I could have the original experience and so that I could illustrate through photography what Reese’s gave us and what they should have given us. I shouldn’t have to resort to doing such things.

The new disappointing Reese's Pieces Cups

What was vs what should have been

When I came up with the title of this article, it reminded me of the time that Tyra Banks made that speech complaining about the time when she was given negative comments over her appearance in a bathing suit and proceeded to tell her detractors to “kiss [her] fat ass” and then proceeded to slap it. I wish she’d been facing away from the camera when she did that, as I’m a big fan of her ass and would have greatly enjoyed watching the resulting ripple.

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