There is never a reason to say “woo”.

May 17th, 2016

Waking up is pretty much enough to ruin anyone’s day. Sleeping kicks ass and I’d do it all the time whenever I wasn’t eating or engaging in feminine encounters if I could. The latter happens maybe twice a year if I’m lucky, so I might as well just say I’d do it whenever I wasn’t eating. Anyway, any day’s misery is compounded exponentially whenever I hear someone scream/say “woo”. By this I don’t mean when people use it in the sense of trying to gain favor with someone, but rather as a general expression of joy or adulation. This happens pretty much every day, which is just one of the many reasons why I’m such a bitter asshole.

Clapping is one of the most unnecessary things anyone ever does. If you enjoyed a performance, then show it by way of just sitting there, shutting up, and not heckling. If you really feel the need to clap, fine, go ahead and do it. However, you add nothing by screaming out “woo”. It’s not a word and it doesn’t in any way indicate any sort of compliment or anything meaningful at all. It’s just extremely annoying. Why “woo” anyway? If you aren’t going to use a real word, you can screech out form of any non-verbal caterwauling you want. Be original for a change and just make up your own asshole war cry. If everyone started stabbing themselves to death when they liked a performance, would you do it too? Actually, I kind of hope this would happen. That would mean more waffles for me.

Woo becomes even more annoying when it’s used as an expression of joy rather than as a form of applause. You hear it all the time at sports games, on game shows, or at any other sort of competitive event or game of chance. I think I hate it the most when it’s done on Wheel of Fortune. Some contestants will scream it after they’ve solved a puzzle, but others will do it every single time a letter they called shows up. These are the people I hate most of all.

If I ran Wheel of Fortune, all of the winnings from a woo-er would be turned around at the end of the show. For example, let’s say a contestant solved a puzzle and won $7600 and a motorcycle. If they were to say “woo” upon winning, rather than getting these things, they’d owe them to the studio. It would be even better if it happened with someone who landed on the million dollar wedge, made it to the bonus round, and won the million dollar prize by solving the puzzle. As soon as the woo was uttered, it would be time to dig deep, because they’d owe the studio a cool million. They’d only have one week to come up with the money. If they failed to do so, they’d be sterilized on the spot and forced to clean toilets in New Jersey Turnpike truck stops with a bristle-less toothbrush until they’d worked off the difference. Is your precious “woo” worth all that?

I almost forgot to consider those who “woo” but still lose. Nothing too fancy for them, just a good old fashioned stoning.

I remember once when I was in my first year of high school, the school was having a pep rally. I always hated pep rallies. In addition to the obnoxious noise and the celebration of teams I didn’t give a rat’s ass about, I always found the whole concept to be pretty useless. Nearly everyone hated the school with a deep passion, so why pretend to be in love with it for one afternoon? On top of this, every year, one of the classes would be declared to have “won” the pep rally by showing the most school spirit. There was no award for this, so it was a pretty pointless think to take part in. However, most of the students took it as seriously as a heart attack and would get pissed off at me for sitting there silently or skipping the pep rallies altogether.

Anyway, to get back to the point, at the pep rally during my freshman year, an upperclassman¬†girl who I wanted to give a ride on the Mongolian Express arrived late and for some reason sat with us rather than with her grade. I was quite thrilled to be next to her for the afternoon and was hoping at least that the excessive jumping and flailing around might provide me with a pleasurable view. When the first team came out, she started doing just that. Then she began to “woo” over and over again. Instantly, I was on the first train back to flaccid town and never again lamented the fact that I’d never be able to plumb her depths.

I hate all the woo variants as well. There’s “woot”, “woot woot”, “woo hoo”, “whoop”, and several others, all of which I despise with every grain of my being. As I type this article, my asshole next door neighbor is hosting some kind of party. As per usual, he and all of his douchebag friends are gathered around a bonfire and listening to shitty music. Every seven minutes or so, they all let out a collective shout over fuck knows what. Many of these shouts are capped off with especially long and loud “woo”s. I wish an airplane flying overhead would dump all of its fuel and blast every last one of them off the face of the planet. I’d be consumed as well due to my proximity to the yard, but it would be worth it.




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