Archive for December, 2015

How to eat pizza: techniques and tactics

December 20th, 2015

Who doesn’t love pizza? Shit if I know the answer to that. What I do know however is that many people habitually eat pizza in an incorrect fashion and I’m writing this article in hopes that maybe I can change that. Also included will be a few tips on how to better your pizza eating experience even if you’re already doing things more or less correctly. If you want to get better at eating pizza, please peruse this article and learn some of the finer points.

  1. Selecting a style

New Haven style pizza is the only type of pizza you should ever be eating. It’s by far superior to any other style of pizza in every way, shape, and form. Its thin crust, spicy and tomato heavy sauce, and relative lack of cheese make for the best pizza eating experience one could ever hope for. To truly get it right, it must be enjoyed with a plentiful amount of birch beer on the side. If you’re outside of Connecticut it may be hard to come by and if you can’t get any, you’ll have to resort to New York City style or Neopolitan. Both are good, but inferior to New Haven style. Never eat Chicago style pizza under any circumstance. No matter what the Chicago bastards try to tell you, it is not pizza and it never will be.

2. Toppings and other specifications

Pizza has to be covered with toppings to be palatable. Plain cheese pizza sucks because, well, cheese. The only way you can make your pizza worse through toppings is if you ask for extra cheese.¬†Ideally you can get your pizza with no cheese on it, but if that isn’t possible, then loading it up with toppings is the only way to go. Actually, even if you can get it with no cheese you should still do this. The added flavor and greasiness will perfect your meal. The perfect combination of toppings is as follows: pepperoni, bacon, onions, clams, mushrooms, green peppers, and sausage. The sausage is something you may want to leave out though. If it’s cut in thin strip form it’s great for pizza but the shredded up meatball-looking sausage never tastes good and looks disgusting. If the pizza place you’re attending serves it that way, then leave the sausage out of the equation. Ask for double on all of the meat toppings. It’ll cost you more, but it’s well worth it in the end.

3. Crust and cooking details

Even if you’re fortunate enough to be dining somewhere that serves New Haven style pizza, things can still fuck up if you aren’t careful. If you’re eating somewhere that serves a different style then this facet of the game is even more important. Always, and I mean ALWAYS specify that you want your crust thin and extra well done. Nothing ruins an otherwise good pizza than a thick, chewy, and undercooked crust. If there isn’t a satisfying crunch with every bite and black around the edges, your crust is too soft and you ordered wrong. Send it back into the kitchen and tell them to make it again. Re-heated pizza gets a funny taste and texture to it that’s best to avoid. If you’re taking out, always open the pizza before going home to make sure it’s burned. If it isn’t, request that it be put back in the oven until it is.

Aside from improving the taste and texture, there’s another reason why you should always get your pizza extra well done. This once again relates to the only bad part of the pizza, which is the cheese. If it’s burned to a crisp, it won’t have that sickening white color to it and will taste nothing like cheese. It will be almost as if you had in fact managed to get a cheeseless pizza. Please, trust me on this one. When it comes to pizza, once you go black, you never go back.

4. Never eat your pizza with a knife and fork

There are a lot of things that people do while eating that bother me, but eating pizza with a knife and fork is right near the top of the list. When I was a toddler, I referred to this exercise as “murdering” your pizza. I think I’m going to start doing that again, because the phrase fits the offense so well. Pizza is one of the few foods that was meant to be eaten with the hands. Cutting it up makes it look like something that would be eaten in a convalescent home or hospital. There’s absolutely no worse method for eating it. If the pizza is too hot to eat with your hands, wait for it to cool off. You can make it through the five minutes or so that would be needed. You can spend that time thinking about the number 25 because it tastes like pizza and will make it all the more appetizing.

5. Add salt and say no to oregano

Nearly every food on this planet is made better by either adding salt, butter, or both. Butter doesn’t really work on pizza, but adding extra salt will make it better every time. One of the best ways to enjoy extra salt with your pizza is to eat your way down to the edge of the crust and then dip it in some salt that’s on your plate and then dab it in some of the pizza’s grease. It’s better than sex with Jessica Alba.

Oregano on the other hand has a terrible taste and smell to it. Admittedly, I’m a little biased on this one here due to a childhood nightmare I had. In the nightmare, I was walking down the halls of an especially disgusting convalescent home that had an overpowering oregano scent. When I reached the end of a hallway, I found a very pale pizza covered in oregano. It was sitting atop one of those steel colored pizza platforms you see in restaurants sometimes (another thing you should never do with a pizza.) That was pretty much the end of the dream, but it was enough to sour me on oregano for the rest of my life.

6. Choose the right accompanying beverage

While birch beer is the best drink to go with a pizza, root beer, orange soda, and most any other traditional soda flavor will do just fine. Pineapple soda is good, but avoid it with pizza unless you’re having Hawaiian style. Beer can also work in this situation, but it has to be ice cold and not too bitter. Heilmann’s Old Style and Rolling Rock are probably the best beers to have with pizza. Schlitz, Sam Adams, and Piels are the worst. If you want to go with something other than soda or beer, red wine can work as can grape juice, grape drink, and orange drink. Extra cold non-tap water can also be serviceable. The one thing you absolutely never want to do is have milk with your pizza. Milk should never be consumed other any circumstances. If you’ve ever been on this site before, you should know that by now.

7. Pick optimum appetizers

There are six correct options when considering an appetizer to go with your pizza. They are mussels marina, fried calamari (the type with the tentacles, not the bands), garlic knots, stuffed spinach bread, garlic bread, ¬†and breadsticks, in that order. If none are available, skip the appetizer unless you know it’s going to be an extremely long time before your pizza is served/will be cool enough to eat. Then nearly any appetizer not featuring cheese or pasta can step up to the plate to pass the time.

8. Never buy a white pizza

White pizza isn’t pizza. Aside from marshmallows and lemon ice, nothing white tastes good. Buying a pizza with no tomato sauce and just cheese is like asking for a stripper who is morbidly obese but has no tits. It’s a waste of time and money and if you’re not careful, it may very well distort your senses and ruin your ability to tell what is pizza and what isn’t. The most disgusting forms of white pizza would include any kind topped with broccoli as well as chicken florentine. Macaroni and cheese pizza is the most revolting kind of all though and anyone who makes it should have their rights to operate in a kitchen permanently revoked. Nobody has the right to bring that kind of evil into the world.

9. Try to find Italian people to eat it around

This will make your pizza more appetizing. Just make sure they don’t murder their pizza. You’ll also want to be sure that they eat with their mouths closed, aren’t having milk, and don’t spit food as they talk. In the event that no Italian people fitting the above description can be found, then you can just skip this step.

Now you know how to eat pizza. You’re welcome.

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