Nobody cares how old your baby is

November 22nd, 2015

I don’t know if it’s something people have always done (at least since the days of screen printed t shirts began), or if it’s just a recent fad. Whatever the case may be, it’s annoying as hell and it should stop being done. If you wonder what “it” is, refer to the title of this post. That’s right, I’m talking about those shirts everyone puts on their infants every time they pass another month in age. Whether you’re going through your Facebook feed or just going most anywhere in public, you’ll be barraged by beaming young mothers pushing carriages containing their offspring in t-shirts. On these t shirts will be a circle with a number inside of it. If you haven’t figured it out, it’s to show how many months old the former fetus is.

There are very few things that I care about less than babies, but one of them is their age. Your kid still can’t read, write, talk, walk, or go ten minutes without shitting itself, so stop acting like it’s the greatest miracle since pulled pork fries. I’ve experienced obtaining additional months of age before and I have to tell you, the experience really isn’t that special. I think this is the new trend now that most everyone finally realized how needless those stick figure family bumper stickers are.

Let’s forget the obnoxiousness and banality of these month shirts for a moment and shift the focus to economic feasibility. If you’re going to buy one of these for every month until the product of your sperm/egg reaches a year of age, you’ll be purchasing 11 shirts. I hope it stops there at least. I hate it when a toddler is over a year old and the parents continue to refer to the age of it in months. If you’re going to tell me your kid is 19 months old, don’t talk to me. Just fucking say it’s a year and seven months old. If you can do that, well, still don’t fucking talk to me.

I was digressing a bit there so let’s return to what I was trying to say before. It’s a huge ass waste of money to buy 11 shirts that will only be worn on one occasion. Even if you plan on having additional children, what will you do if your 2nd child grows at a different rate than your first? Or if your third grows at a different rate than the first two? What if bastard #4 also grows differently? What if #5… well fuck that. If you’re having five or more kids you’re already insane and there’s nothing I can do to help you.  Let’s say you’re Joe or Jill average and have three kids. That’s a whopping total of 33 shirts purchased that will each only be worn once. That’s a huge fucking waste of money. I say save the money up so you can spend it all on making your kid’s first trip to Wendy’s an event that they’ll never forget.

I wonder what people do with these stupid shirts once they’ve seen their one day of action. Do they just throw them out? Do they pack them in a box somewhere never to be seen again? Do they hang them up in the attic rafters like retired basketball jerseys? The fact that I can’t think of one useful thing to do with these shirts after their one and only use only goes further to cement their uselessness. Just save yourself the time, money, and trouble and trust me when I say that nobody gives a fuck how many months old your crotch fruit is.

You know what else I don’t care about? If you’re one of those people who calls soda “pop”. The places where they do this are kind of spread out throughout the country, but it seems to be most common from upstate New York to as far west as Iowa. I went to Iowa once and rode a bus in Cedar Rapids to a Hardees restaurant. I was seated next to a retarded gentleman with a bad cough.

There are lots of different regional dialects throughout this country, but for the most part, when someone moves to a new area they get on board with the local vernacular. For some reason, people seem to be very reluctant to do this when it involves soda. Not only do they call it pop, but they’ll take every chance they get to tell you that they call it pop and will strain to find a way to interject it into as many conversations as they can. Here’s a conversation you could expect to have with someone who refers to soda as pop:

                                    Regular person: “I’m going to the convenience store to get a soda. Do you want one?”

Pop person: “I know what you’re talking about, but I call it pop.”

Regular person: “Oh, I see. Well would you like me to get you one?”

Pop person: “It’s called pop.”

Regular person: “I know. You already told me you call it that. Do you want one or not?

Pop person: “Fuck you mother fucker. It’s called pop and I don’t want any from a dumbass who calls it soda!”

Regular person: “All right, calm down. I’m sorry I ever brought it up.”

Pop person: “You’ll be even more sorry if you don’t call it pop next time. By the way, did you know that where I come from, what you call soda we call pop?”

That has nothing to do with the month-marking shirts, but I figured I’d get in two bitching sessions for the price of one. I think I’ll go and have a soda and then refer to someone as being 1 year and 3 months old.

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