Last night was a breath of fresh air. That’s a rare commodity when one considers I live underground in a house where the toilets clog on a daily basis and half of the windows haven’t been opened in 20 years. Anyway, the brief respite was provided by way of the Mets securing a 4-0 NLDS sweep over the Cubs of Shitcago. While I’m a lifelong Mets fan and this is the third time I’ve seen them make it to the World Series, I had always dreamed it would one day happen by way of destroying the Cubs. Last night, it finally happened and let me tell you, it almost made up for the past 32 years of being the most pathetic man on the planet.
So many people ask me, “Why do you hate the Cubs?” I don’t know why they even need to ask me that. I don’t know how anyone who has ever watched a single baseball game in all their lives couldn’t hate the Cubs. That’s why I’m typing up this article concerning my reasons for hating MLB’s unlovable losers. Read along and be converted. Note that the list is in no particular order.
10. All of the fruity Wrigley Field traditons
Baseball is a game of superstition and tradition and I’m fine with that. Usually the ones employed are fun or pleasurable in some way and therefore at least make some degree of sense to engage in. Wrigley Field traditions are assinine at best. First off, there’s the whole throwing every home run ball back on to the field thing. That’s not so bad if it’s a player’s first career home run, but when you do it with every single ball it’s just stupid. The balls usually don’t make their ways back to the players who hit them, so the whole thing is an exercise in futility.
Adding to the stupidity is their refusal to abandon the dinosauric scoreboard. They finally did get an electric one in place, but still use the manual one too. That’s like requiring a student to use both a calculator and an abacus. Then there are all the stupid day games. Wrigley field was the last MLB stadium to get lights (excluding the teams that didn’t exist yet at the time), yet they still do a shit ton of day games every year. If you’re a fan of the opposing team, you’d better remember to DVR the game or else you won’t be seeing it. I don’t know how the hell they fill the stands as well as they do, unless the lion’s share of their fans are unemployed.
9. Nearly everyone from Chicago is an asshole.
I’ve had to spend a lot of time in Chicago and it’s about as enjoyable as officiating a convalescent home bukkake festival. The layout of the streets is nonsensical and public transportation is unreliable at best. If you’re able to catch a cab, you’ll soon wish you hadn’t, as the cab drivers there are among the douchiest on the planet. The only city with ruder cabbies is Phoenix.
Chicago is also probably the most racist city I’ve ever been to. During my times there, I’ve been called nearly every slur in the book. Ironically, most of them were Hispanic ones which is just about the only race that doesn’t appear in my lineage. They aren’t just directed at me though. You can’t go five minutes without hearing an anti-black slur, anti-white slur, anti-Asian slur… you get the idea. Chicago is also the only city I’ve ever been to where it appears to be an official pastime to taunt the homeless. I’ve never understood why homeless people stay there. There’s no pressing job for most of them, so getting away to Milwaukee shouldn’t be that hard to do. Their lifes would be infinitely better there.
8. Cubs fans are assholes
While they walk around with their painted-on smiles and act like they’re so quaint and cute with all of their Wrigley Field bullshit traditions, Cubs fans are among the most classless fans in all of professional sports. The racism issue from item 9 holds true for this one too. Go to a game (or even listen really close to one on TV) and you’ll frequently hear fans taunting the opposing outfielders with racial epithets. They also seem to have a special place in their hearts for throwing debris on to the field.
Do you remember Steve Bartman? Back in 2003, the Shitcago Cubs were leading in the NLCS 3 games to 2 over the Marlins. It was the 8th inning and they were in the lead. With one out already registered in the inning, a shallow Luis Castillo foul ball was hit down the left field line. As left fielder Moises Alou was running over to try to make the catch, several fans in the stands were trying to nab the ball as well. (Yeah, you’ll hold on to a 150 foot foul ball but don’t want a home run ball. Typical Chicago logic.) Though several fans were grabbing for it, the one who managed to get a hand on it was a man named Steve Bartman, who instantly became my personal hero.
The umpire declared there was no interference as the ball was out of play and therefore fair game for fan to try to catch. Moises Alou went batshit crazy for a few minutes, but then play resumed. The Marlins scored 8 runs in the inning and went on to win the game and the series as well. In fairness to Bartman, there were 2 Cub errors that took place in that inning after his incident which were far more costly. Still, being the assholes that they are, the Cub fans took all of their anger out on Bartman and literally tried to kill the guy.
After being escorted out of the stadium by security, Bartman could not return home as a bunch of assholes put up all of his personal information online and his home and workplace were subsquently swarmed by an angry lynch mob with a collective IQ of 13 and a collective total of 0 people possesing souls. I guess these guys were the original doxxers.
7. The Cubs aren’t “lovable losers”.
The Cubs are losers all right, but they’re sure as hell not lovable. Nearly every star player they’ve had in the past 30 years has either been a cheater or an asshole. Do you remember Sammy Sosa’s 66 home runs in 1998? The guy was a bat corker. Ryan Dempster? Enough said. Michael Barrett was another beloved douche of theirs who would never back down from a fight and would also never win one. All of their notable players now bring your piss to a boil just to look at them.
The Cubs haven’t won a World Series since 1908 and haven’t played in one since 1945. They try to blame this on curses but it’s really just an effect of them flat-out sucking and never being able to execute in the clutch. It makes me think that maybe their players have some sort of a latent soul to them after all and know they don’t deserve to win anything meaninful. That’s why they’re such great choke artists.
6. Transplanted Cubs fans
Transplanted Cubs fans are even worse than the ones who actually live in Chicago. They never shut the fuck up about how much they love the Cubs (and every other Chicago team for that matter.) They’ll never miss an opportunity to be seen in Chicago sports garb or to post a picture of themselves in it. Many of them never even lived in Chicago and others have never even been there. They just love every Chicago team by default, simply because of the team’s city of location. I don’t know if it’s the fact that they just like the way the name sounds or if they’re premanently caught back in the 90s and think that Michael Jordan is still dominating the sports world and therefore all Chicago athletes are equally great by assosciation.
The only Chicago team that’s won anything in recent years is the Blackhawks, but fuck them too. Fuck all hockey teams. When the Whalers died so did hockey.
5. “Rookie of the Year”
Did you ever see that movie? I know I say I hate pretty much all movies, but that one holds a special place in my deep dark volumes of hatred. Fuck I’d love to trip that kid when he came up to the plate and then use him for batting practice – as a baseball.
4. They’re from Chicago
3. The media loves them for no good reason
The only Chicago team that I’ve ever been reluctant to hate has been the White Sox. This is because as a Mets fan, I know how it is to back a team from a major city that has another team that always gets top billing. If you go anywhere in Connecticut, you’ll be asked if you’re a Yankees fan or a Red Sox fan. Then they’ll always laugh and say nobody is a Mets fan and that’s why they didn’t ask. The Mets don’t have anywhere near the money the Yankees do yet still manage to outperform them now and again. With the amount of money the Yankees have, they should be in the World Series every year.
This is relevant to the White Sox because they have to play out a similar role to the Mets in Chicago. Everyone loves the Cubs, everyone wears Cubs gear, all the stores sell Cubs merchandise and everyone automatically associates Chicago with the Cubs. The White Sox meanwhile go virtually unnoticed. Even when they won the World Series in 2005, there was hardly a word spoken. Sure, maybe it was just one championship, but it’s still one more than the Cubs have managed to bring to the city in the past 106 years.
All supposedly neutral announcers constantly root for the Cubs in televised games. Politicians love to identify themselves as Cubs fans. There have been numerous movies made about the Cubs. A log of shit deserves more celebration that the Cubs do. At least by evacuating, it managed to save some organism from a bowel impaction. The Cubs have never done that.
2. They’re from Chicago.
1. They’re fucking from fucking Chicago. Fucking. Fuck.
There. Now you hate the Cubs as much as I do.