Shut the fuck up about beer

September 13th, 2015

Shit. I can’t go ten seconds without either seeing a Facebook post about beer, seeing a commercial about beer, or hearing someone babbling about beer. Yes, beer is great and you love it; we get it. That doesn’t mean you have to spend every waking second talking about it. If beer is the lone basis of your social life and the only thing that’s ever on your mind when you’re not working, then you should head to your local Home Depot and invest in some strong, solid rope. You know what it’s for.

I drink because my life sucks ass and so do I. It’s an escape. It’s not something that I do to fit in socially, it’s not in any way comical, and it’s not fun. It’s a simple numbing agent, no more, no less. That’s pretty much all it is for anyone else for that matter. If you need to be drunk to be able to socialize or to enjoy the company of other people, then you’re better off just living out your life as a hermit. Plus, I go for either Jack Daniel’s or Jim Beam. Unless there’s absolutely nothing else available, I leave beer alone (I used to like PBR, but no longer. Thanks hipsters for ruining that for me.) I went sober for a while but that blew and I abandoned it. However, at least I manage to drink in ways that aren’t annoying. Read on and soon you’ll be able to make the same claim.

There are three different categories of the most annoying beer obsessors. First off are underage kids who have either never had beer but pretend they put away a case every weekend, and secondly are the ones who actually do drink and think they’re a bunch of little badasses. If you need to drink at this age, (hell, I did) do it, but kindly shut the fuck up about it. That, or seek therapy. Otherwise, you’re just an annoying little high-pitched speaking bitch who even the most pathetic of adults could wipe out with a single punch. You aren’t tough and you’re not scaring anyone. Even the nerds you bully in the locker room will eventually stop being afraid of you in a few years and just laugh their asses off. That’s right – even the pathetic people you look down upon are still better than you are, so eat shit.

The next annoying group of beer goggle-wearing cunts are the college kids. Holy shit, where do I even start on this one? I hate pretty much everything about college students. I hate the way they dress, I hate the way they think it’s their duty to go around preaching their newly-brainwashed views to every person they see, I hate the way they get so proud after scoring clumsy and awkward sex, I hate the way they talk, I hate the way they walk … I just hate them.

The only thing that can make your stereotypical college student even more annoying is when they obsess over getting drunk. You have the kids who stack beer cans up in pyramids to show how many beers they and their roommates have collectively managed to drink. You have the fake ID kids who spend every spare second in bars and then fill everyone’s social media feeds with their pictures. You have your spring break drunk college kids too, but at least the girls who moon/flash their tits aren’t so bad.

I remember when I was in college, whenever I’d get stuck doing a group project in a business class, some sort of alcohol would ALWAYS be the product the group would want to use. 9 times out of 10, this would be beer. These annoying little fucks have grown up watching college-themed movies and want to live out the lives of stereotyped fictional characters. In doing so, they somehow become even more annoying than the theatrical characters whom they idolize. If I were in charge, the drinking age would be raised to 23 and the only thing that would happen in dorms would be sleeping, eating, and studying. If anything else is done, a session with some cat o’nine tails would ensue.

The third group of people who just won’t shut the fuck about about beer is the group I hate most of all. These are the 20, 30, and sometimes even 40-somethings who are mentally stuck in their college days. They do all of the same things the college kids described above do, but it’s just more annoying coming out of someone older. It’s kind of like how you hate it when some brat kid screams and kicks the back of your seat when you’re on a plane. It’s annoying as fuck, but you manage to get through the experience without resorting to violence. Now imagine that it’s a 30 year old man or woman doing it. You’d want to beat the living intercourse out of them.

These are people who are usually pretty successful and have managed to go on to build nice lives. They have the trophy spouses, perfect homes, and high-level jobs they don’t really deserve, but were able to schmooze and ass-kiss their way into. When they aren’t bragging about that, all they seem to be able to do is get drunk and then talk about it, whether in person or online.

When every picture you’re in shows you drinking a beer, holding a six pack, visiting a brewery, pouring a beer, singing about beer, or engaging in self-described drunken antics, you just need to do the world a favor and die. It’s not funny, it doesn’t make you sexually attracitve, and it doesn’t make it seem like you’d be fun to hang out with. It just makes you look like a douche bag. The more I think of it, maybe it’s not so bad when people do this. At least they aren’t false-advertising or masquerading as someone tolerable or worthy of breathing.

I don’t much feel like talking about this anymore. Time for some whisky and porn. Yes, I suck and I know it, but for the moment, it’s time to watch lesbians sucking some tits and clits.

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