I hate mobile internet

September 5th, 2015

If nobody else is going to come out and say it, I guess I’ll have to. Not that I mind. I hate mobile internet. I hate smartphones, I hate tablets, I hate that fucking Google or Apple watch (I’m not going to bother looking up which company it was that made it, because they both suck ass) and I also hate any other mobile internet device that I haven’t yet mentioned.

I made a post a few years ago talking about how I was hoping the iPad would be a flop. At first, it seemed like it would actually turn out that way. People realized there was nothing they could do with it that they couldn’t do with a phone. The screen was too small to view videos enjoyably, it was too awkward to use as a camera, and its keyboard was too sensitive and difficult for some viewers to use. They’ve since come out with a detachable keyboard, but fuck that too.

For a while, things were going great. Then all of a sudden everyone stopped caring about how worthless these devices were. I don’t know if it was the non-stop advertising, the fact that the “cool” friend in their groups started buying them, or if people’s ADD became too bad to allow them to sit in one place and use an actual computer. Whatever the demonic cause may be, these cursed items started selling like hotcakes. I read recently that in 2014, tablets outsold laptops and desktops combined for non-business users. That was depressing as fuck.

Tablets also were a boon for Netflix. I fucking hate Netflix too. It was actually okay when it first started out around 15 years ago or so. When I was in college I used it to rent DVDs online for some bullshit film class I was forced to take since Quinnipiac wanted to require as many random useless classes as possible so I couldn’t graduate on time and spend a year there without a scholarship. Anyway, they were fine for that purpose; basically they were an online Blockbuster.

The Netflix of today is something entirely different. It’s the preferred choice of hipsters everywhere to watch movies or television series. Now there are even series made exclusively for Netflix. What the fuck is so horrible about sitting still and watching something on a television set? Netflix doesn’t allow you to avoid commercials, it’s not a free service, and you (as far as I know) can’t get any sports coverage on it. If I find out that you can, I’m never setting foot inside of a bar again.

Do you remember a few years back when the parents of spoiled rich kids had tv sets built into their cars to make sure their brats were entertained every second? I fucking hated that. Now every kid has their fucking Netflix on their fucking tablet programming them around the clock. Nobody under the age of 18 should ever be allowed to have a tablet or cell phone anyway. You can’t go anywhere without hearing someone talk about Netflix or having to see someone viewing it. If one more person brags to me about how they don’t own a television set or don’t subscribe to any sort of TV service because they have Netflix, I’m going to have a stroke. Ideally it would be multiple strokes that ended up killing me. Then I’d have a nice 80s style death via different strokes. Nobody can  overexplain a joke into no longer being funny better than I can.

I can’t lay all the blame into tablets and Netflix though. They never would have become what they did if it weren’t for the prior development of smartphones. That’d be like yelling at your underwear for showing instead of yelling at your pants for splitting becuase your fat ass got too big for them and you bent over a bit too quickly. Cell phones were a great convenience when they first started out. Even texting was okay in the beginning. It made it easy to communicate on the run and to just spout off a quick sentence when you didn’t want to have an entire conversation. Oh, if only it could have stayed that way.

Once smartphones came along, texing became pretty much the sole mode of communication. Every asshole you walked by was holding up their phone to take a picture and every asshole who wasn’t doing that was cruising the net while enjoying some slow-loading and visually unappealing website. Right around this time, social media was in its infancy. I miss the days when Facebook was just limited to a very basic profile and only used by college students. I miss MySpace being the outlet of choice. You never had to worry about elderly family members looking at your page or having to worry about every single thing you typed because a prospective employer might see it and choose to not hire you. I post to Facebook a lot, but that’s mostly because I like to bitch and can’t masturbate all the time.

The fusion of mobile internet and social media was like the sperm of the devil fertilizing the egg of Michelle Obama. I’ll eat what I want to and move when I want to you preachy, self-righteous bitch. By the way, how are those school lunches working out? Horribly. How many fat kids are out there? Millions. Do you actually eat healthy or send your daughters to schools that implement your lunches? No. Either back up what you say by doing it or shut the hell up. If you can’t do that, at least be a decent person and don’t get all pissed off if someone asks you to help them reach something off of a shelf at Target. You’re not royalty. I wonder how much of my already minute audience I’ve managed to alienate with that anti-Michelle Obama rant. If it helps, I hated Laura Bush too. Oh well.

Getting back to the issue at hand, this is one of the worst things to happen to modern society. Communication has been destroyed for all practical purposes. Why say something meaningful or have a deep conversation when you can just say some fucking stupid shit on Twitter? Damn Twitter to hell too. Their introduction of “hashtag” into our lexicon is worthy of castraion, if only they had balls to begin with. That’s not entirely Twitter’s fault though. People didn’t bother to learn the actual meaning of the hashtags and/or how to use them, so now they’re just useless clutter both online and in speech.

Mobile internet has fucked me in two different ways. Actually, it’s fucked me in one way and un-fucked me in another. It’s fucked me in the sense that it ended my career. For a few years I was doing organic SEO and was gradually building up a pretty good business and making a decent wage at it. Back then, if you had quality content and knew the basics of html, you could make good money working for yourself in that field. Now, it’s all about social media sharing.

In a bold-faced lie, Google says it now bases search engine result positioning  on the quality content of a page’s content. What they actually mean by “quality” is the most mentions of whatever happens to be trending online, getting the most tweets, or getting the most likes on social media platforms. Since everyone is always on their fucking smart phone or tablet, they’re also always on Twitter or Facebook, which creates the perfect storm for shitty search engine results.

This is actually resulting in a much worse user experience when using search engines. As a side note, before you start riding my ass for hypocrisy for using social media to promote my site, read the area why I address that later in this article.  Rather than finding content relative to what you’re actually looking for, you’ll get results to your query based on what Google now deems to be of high “quality”.

For example, let’s say you’re in Gary, Indiana, and you’re looking for a place to buy shoes. Let’s say during this same time, the Olympics are going on and some track athlete is emerging as a star and has a lucrative shoe deal going. You type into a search engine (without the actual quotes, if you’re like 99.9999% of the population) “shoe stores in gary indiana”. Instead of the first results being what you’re looking for, they’ll be sites that happen to mention the aforementioned athlete/his shoes and also happen to somewhere on the page say “Gary” or “Indiana”. You’ll be lucky if you get what you’re looking for within the first 30 links provided. The fusion of social media and mobile internet has ruined search engines. If what you’re writing about isn’t related to what’s trending, isn’t feasible for social media content, and you don’t have the money to buy social media buzz for it, your site isn’t going to be seen.

Now on to the way that mobile internet has un-fucked me. As you can likely tell if you’ve seen any of my images on here, I’m not much of a looker and I’m not talented at spontaneously coming up with a smooth line to catch a young lady’s fancy in person. I’m not the kind of guy who can walk into a bar and get a date. For years, I’d depended on dating websites and instant messaging platforms to allow me to engage in one-on-one actual conversations in which I could use my writing ability to help me communicate and eventually end up with a date or rarely (even back then) a girlfriend and/or coitus.

You can’t do this anymore. Nobody uses any instant messaging other than Kik, which is basically the same thing as texting except it’s free and drains your phone battery at an amazing rate of speed. The only real reason to ever use it is if you don’t have a texting plan or if you think you may be talking to a creep and don’t want them to have your number. Regardless, it works in the same way that texting does. You get a chance to give a quick one or two sentence hook to pull someone in. If you can’t do that, you’re fucked and you’re not going to get fucked.

The worst part of mobile internet, smartphones, and tablets is the even stronger symbiosis they’ve created between humans and technology. People have predicted that one day androids would come into existence. They pretty much have, only in the reverse way of what was expected. We didn’t build technology that could exist in the manner of a human. We’ve created generations of humans who now function as technology, dependent on their mobile devices for their every action. The programming from the media is now available and flowing in every minute of every day. We’re being told what to think about and how to think about it (constant reports telling us what’s “trending” so we’ll look at it and take the stance on the topic of the media’s choosing) and flamed into silence or submission by other users when we don’t.

Gone is the annonymity that once made the internet so great. If you want to say something online, you’d better fucking watch what it is, because your name WILL be attached to it, even if not directly to the public.

Largely due to Google’s new way of ranking pages, this site has virtually no exposure anymore. It used to come up within the top 5 search results for hundreds of different queries. Now it rarely breaks the top 100. This has led to me having to create a Facebook group for this site and having to link to posts in it, which makes me want to shoot myself in the balls with an M-60. I realize this rant will likely go unnoticed due to that fact, but for anyone who does see this, please, realize the damage this shit is doing to you, your relationships, and society at large.

Fuck mobile internet, fuck smartphones, fuck tablets, and start fucking your significant other. You’ll find it’s much more enjoyable.


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