Archive for June, 2015

The most annoying commercials of 2015

June 14th, 2015

It wasn’t until just now as I type this that I came to realize that both of the first two posts since bringing this site back online have been about commercials. That’s not intentional nor a new theme, but if it were, it’d be a pretty damn good one if I do say so myself.

Anyway, with the year nearly halfway over, we’ve had no shortage of commercials that have blown more ass than a gay Dizzy Gillespie. As usual, a lot of these commercials have been car commercials. Car commercials have always had a special ability to be irritating on many levels. They manage to pressure, guilt, nag, brag, and lie all at the same time. They’re also a constant reminder that I drive a car that would have to grow ten pairs of balls just to become a pussy mobile.

The first annoying 2015 car commercial I’ll cover is for the Mazda MX-5 Miata. If you own a tv, you’ve already seen this shit show.  Because I’m bitter about how my life turned out and I want you to suffer too, I’m including it here anyway.

 

This is one of those commercials that is sappier than the crust you find on a poorly cleaned syrup container at IHOP. It so desperately tries to tug at the heartstrings and be deep and meaningful, yet comes off as excessively sugary and condescending. It contains a rambling attempt at a poem of sorts with several unimpressive lines. The goal is to show some douche going through the various stages of life and trying to link cars, specifically Mazdas, to each step of his development.

It features a sickly and perverted looking guy with red hair whose life is nothing more than a giant cliche. If his life story were any more hackneyed and stereotypical, he’d have been birthed through a cookie cutter and not a vagina. Most people have a little more originality than what Mazda gives them credit for. That’s probably becasue Mazda cars completely lack innovation and are bland, boring, and tired. When’s the last time Mazda came out with a badass car that everyone wanted? Never, that’s when.

This commercial fails to account for all the people out there who don’t manage to hit every single milestone/want to hit said specific milestones. This is the type of commercial that appeals to people who watch Lifetime movies, needlessly adopt gluten-free diets, and strive to adopt every new phrase/expression that hits the mainstream. “It’s my/that’s the jam” is a good example of such a phrase. How I fucking hate it when people say that. Unless you’re talking about a jar of Smucker’s in your possession, then nothing is your jam.

This commercial is almost as bad as the long-running series of commercials Mazda used to have featuring some pale little shit who looked like a young Butch Patrick with gonnorhea. He’d say “zoom zoom” and then some bullshit song would start playing consisting of no word other than zoom. Fuck I hated those.

The next commercial I’ll piss and moan about is a new advertisement by State Farm. Back in the 80s, State Farm had some of the best commercials in the game. That’s why it’s not only annoying but just flat out depressing how bad their commercials are now. Here’s the one we’ll be discussing in this article:

This one has a similar theme to the Mazda commercial in that we have another mindless drone living a life more formulaic than a Seth MacFarlane series. This guy is such a fucking pussy he makes me look like Charles Bronson. He walks around like he’s the catch of the day, always enjoying himself and being a smug jizz rag. He keeps claiming there’s all these things he won’t do (always preceded by “I’m never ___”), but then pussies out and does all of them. At the end of the commercial, he looks at his sleeping wife and two brat kids and wistfully says “I’m never letting go.”

This is supposed to be the big awww moment where we’re all touched and start thinking that State Farm is all heart and will always be there for us. What this really says is that State Farm believes in lying and betraying every single thing you say. That’s not really what I want my insurance company to espouse. I want my insurance company to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. That’s why I chose to go with Traveler’s. They keep their mouths shut and insure without trying and failing to be comical or endearing. Instead of insurance, this should be a commercial for tampons.

Is this the kind of guy women really want? Prickish college frat guy types who beneath their douche exterior are spineless and so whippable you don’t even have to break out the whip? I guess so, or at least that’s the kind of guy women who are insured by State Farm want. If that’s what it takes to attract a mate, then I’ll gladly continue dating my hand.

The next commercial is probably my most hated one that’s on tv right now. It’s a commercial showing some sort of instant payment application, but I can’t remember what company it’s for. That’s lucky for you, because it means I can’t add the video to this post and that saves you from having to see it.

This commercial starts out with a trendy suburban looking family getting ready to board an airplane to take a vacation. I think the wife then asks the husband if he remembered to pay their dog sitter and he turns on his phone to check, saying he needs to do it before they leave the airport, since they may not get service on “the island”. This declaration is met by panic on the part of his two ugly kids. His choppy-haired junior hipster looking son screams, “No service?!?!” and his bitch daughter says, “Seriously?” in one of the most annoying voices I’ve ever heard. “Seriously” is another one of those overused expressions that I can’t go five seconds without hearing. It’s not witty, it’s not a comeback, it’s not anything but obnoxious.

The two kids then panic because they think they may have to talk to each other, but fortunately we never learn what happens because the commercial mercifully ends before we’re stuck having to see/hear any more from them. Kids shouldn’t be allowed to have cell phones or any sort of mobile device. This symbiosis with microtechnology is bad enough with adults, but when kids are raised with it they’ll have no chance of any kind of independent thought or ability to do anything that doesn’t involve a phone/tablet. Plus kids are too fucking spoiled and bratty anyway. They don’t deserve these devices. They just need a good old fashioned kick in the ass and a shut-the-hell-up whack across the face.

This is how the commercial would go if I were the director:

Wife: “Did you pay the dog sitter yet mother fucker? You haven’t gotten wood in 8 years and I have to use a Hobart mixer to get off, but can I at least depend on you to pay for shit on time?”

Husband: “Fuck you bitch, I’ll pay for it by phone. Try shaving your ass once per decade and maybe I’ll stop being impotent. Then again I hope you don’t, because then we’ll risk having more of these worthless shit kids. Oh by the way kids, speaking of you, there will be NO FUCKING SERVICE on the island. Deal with it or stay at the airport and get kidnapped.”

Son: “No service?”

Father: “Yes you ugly little fuck, no service. Get a haircut or I’ll disown you.”

Daughter: “Seriously?”

Father and Mother, after bitch slapping either side of their daughter’s face: “WE FUCKING TOLD YOU NEVER TO USE THAT EXPRESSION!”

Ticket Agent: Hey, can I join the party?

Voiceover: Shut the fuck and buy our products or go to hell.

That commercial would be so good it would qualify as porn. Why am I writing this worthless article instead of getting paid to make kickass commercials like that one?

 

There’s a new series of commercials for Kentucky Fried Chicken being aired now that I abhor. They feature a revival of Colonel Sanders, which, if done correctly, would have been a great premise. Instead, they swing and miss in a big way and the result is completely intolerable, as you can see by playing the following video:

 

This guy has none of the Colonel’s attitude, presence, or general badassery. Making it worse is that the actor in the commercial isn’t even old. He’s very obviously a young guy wearing makeup and a hairpiece to look old, kind of like that Mr Six guy who used to be in the Six Flags commercials. This one is much more obvious though. He doesn’t even do a good job of sounding old. He just sounds like a young asshole with a sore throat.

Harland Sanders gave this Earth one of its greatest treasures. Kentucky Fried Chicken isn’t a simple meaningless title. It is a mark of dignity and integrity, a priceless item of Americana. His innovations have immensely improved the world and we owe him a debt of gratitude that can never be repaid. In addition to being the pioneer behind KFC, Col Sanders also taught Dave Thomas everything he knew about running a restaurant and building chains. Without the Colonel, we’d also never have Wendy’s. To disrespect a man so great by having him portrayed on camera by an asshat like this guy is blasphemy and completely beyond forgiveness.

The last set of commercials I’d like to briefly go over are ones that concern a campaign by Friendly’s. I’m not sure why they’re still making commercials, because I don’t know where any remaining Friendly’s locations are (if there even are any.) Friendly’s has/had pretty good food, but never was known for great commercials. The newest ones though are poor even by their standards. All of them spout out a few empty phrases and then show people stuffing ice cream and toppings into their mouths and getting it all over their faces. It’s fucking disgusting and not something that I want to associate with food.

The actors/actresses end up with melted ice cream smeared all over their faces and happily giggling like a bunch of drooling idiots. It kind of reminds me of this Duncan Hines commercial that was on in the mid-80s. Everyone would scream “deluxious” (that’s not a typing error, it was what they said instead of delicious) and they’d do so with their mouths full of chewed up cake. It was revolting and I thought I’d never have to see it again. Thanks for opening old wounds Friendly’s.

Posted in Uncategorized | Comments (0)

Childhood lessons I learned from cereal commercials

June 11th, 2015

Do you remember the days when a cereal could be marketed to kids without parents’ groups going apeshit about it and demanding the government stop it? This was back in the days when parents actually got off their asses and did actual parenting and had the balls to say no to their kid if they asked for something they weren’t supposed to have. It was also before everyone was obsessed with health food and trying to do whatever they could to stretch out their miserable meaningless lives by a year or two.

If anyone lived through the 80s and to a lesser extent the 90s, then they were witness to a shitload of cereal commercials on a daily basis. This was especially true during kids’ programming such as Saturday morning cartoon blocks. The characters that were included in these commercials are no longer allowed to appear in cereal commercials today because supposedly they made kids want sugary breakfast foods. Damndest thing though, because now that they’re gone, kids are fatter than ever before and twice as stupid.

The way I look at it, the danger of these commercials and the colorful characters they contained was not the fact that the wares they hawked were bad for health (if consumed in mass quantities). The danger was that every one of these commercials had recurring plot lines that looked innocent on the surface, but lurking beneath were some dark and dangerous values which we subconsciously picked up and in some cases have continued to apply throughout our lives.

Beloved characters such as the Trix rabbit, Lucky the leprechaun, Tony the tiger, Sonny (Coco Puffs bird), and nearly anyone who appeared in Eggo or Pops commercials seemed innocent enough. After all, they were our friends and just wanted us to have a balanced breakfast. When one looks deeper into these ads, it seems they wanted to balance our breakfasts with black hearts and machiavellian principles that threatened to turn every one of us into a ticking time bomb.

Let’s start out with Tony the tiger, the world-famous mascot of Frosted Flakes. Here’s a typical commercial featuring him:

This seems well-meaning enough at first glance. Taken at face value, one would say that this commercial teaches the importance of eating a good breakfast if you want to have the energy to perform athletically. Look into it a little bit more deeply and you’ll see the following lessons being taught, which are prominent in nearly every Frosted Flakes commercial from that era.

  1. Everyone in the world is an asshole except for weak people who haven’t yet had breakfast
  2. Everyone has gigantic balls, as taunting a person who has a tiger for a friend doesn’t scare them
  3. If you pull off just a few athletic moves, you’ll win the respect of someone who previously hated and mocked you.

Now put these all together and what message do you get? First off, we learn that it’s okay to prey on the weak and bully whoever you want until they do something that impresses you. We also learn that it’s not dangerous to piss off tigers, as the worst they’ll do is tell you to wait until they’ve had some cereal and then they’ll make you put whatever you said in your pipe and smoke it. Additionally, we’re taught that the only thing you need to do to gain respect is make one single sports play successfully, even if it’s not a particularly outstanding one. No wonder I was such a misfit as a kid.

Next up are the deceptively innocent Trix commercials, such as this one:

We all remember the Trix rabbit. He’d always have some half-baked scheme to try to get his beloved cereal which would always fall short. The kids were stupid as hell, because every costume that he wore did a very poor job of concealing his identity. Regardless, the kids never realized it was him until he fucked up and had a Trix orgasm, causing his costume to fall apart and exposing his ruse. If the rabbit could afford to buy these elaborate costumes, then why didn’t he just buy the Trix instead of bumming them off stupid kids who obviously hated him? Going beneath the surface, here are the lessons we come away with:

  1. Rabbits are fucking stupid
  2. Kids are even more stupid
  3. Wasting money is the way to get what you want
  4. You’ll fail no matter what you try, so just give up now
  5. Never ask for a favor. Try to trick someone into doing one for you

All of this aside, there seems to be a separate even darker message behind these Trix commercials. Did you ever notice how happy the kids were when they denied the rabbit his Trix and then ate their own? The message here seems to be that the value of Trix lies not in the taste of the cereal, but in the taste of you having it and knowing someone else who wants it can’t. Everything is more appealing when you can’t have it right? Chow down you chubby little shits and bask in the glory of having something that others cannot. Silly rabbit, Trix are for pricks.

Lucky Charms

Perhaps the cruelest of all of the cereal sponsored dogma revolves around the character of Lucky the leprechaun and his cereal, Lucky Charms. Here’s a fairly typical video of his struggles:

Lucky’s life consists of two main things: toting around boxes of cereal and having said boxes of cereal stolen from him by kids. Like the Trix rabbit, he’s a tragic character who can just never win and nobody ever cuts him a break. This commercial is probably even worse than most, as he gets so tantalizingly close to making his escape and enjoying his cereal. Poor coordination gets him in the end as he drops the Lucky Charms and the little runts below get to enjoy the new marshmallow he’s just created. Let’s recap some of the messages preached:

  1. Not only is it acceptable to make fun of midgets, it’s also profitable
  2. Don’t work for a living or bother buying your own things. It’s easier to steal them from someone else.
  3. Whenever possible, swoop in and take the benefits from the creations of others. I guess Mark Zuckerberg must have liked Lucky Charms as a kid.
  4. Irish people are pushovers who may try to run, but will never defend themselves.

Maybe this is why midget porn is so expensive. I mean consider the laws of supply and demand. There’s an ample amount of these commercials floating around, but a relative dearth of media that makes midgets appear powerful and/or attractive. Lucky should give up the cereal for the taco. At least then he’d be getting lucky on a regular basis and therefore he could finally live up to his name.

Corn Pops

Before health nazis got going and Kellogg’s decided to puss out, Corn Pops were called Sugar Pops. They still should be, because they taste more like sugar than they do like corn. I don’t have the confidence to eat corn on the cob, but if I did, I doubt it would remind me of Corn Pops. Caramel covered popcorn on the other hand always does. Anyway, here’s a Corn Pops commercial that we’ll examine and dissect after viewing:

As is the case with most Corn Pops commercials, this one follows a simple formula. It starts with someone wanting Corn Pops. Then they discover that someone else has either eaten or moved them. They then start getting paranoid and accusatory toward everyone else in their vicinity. They tell themselves to stay calm, but invariably go apeshit. Once they finally lose their cool, the Pops somehow are either replaced, found, or replenished. To the untrained eye, this is a happy ending. Dig a little deeper with me and you’ll see the dark cloud which overshadows the silver lining. This is what these commercials taught us:

  1. Nobody else has a right to eat until you’ve had what you wanted
  2. It’s impossible to control your emotions so don’t even try to.
  3. It’s beneath you to go out and buy your own Pops
  4. Just lose control and go apeshit and you’ll get whatever you want
  5. Once your tantrum is ended by receiving the object of your desire, suddenly act calm and pretend it never happened. This will allow you to save face.

(Technically not a cereal) Eggo Waffles

Next up are the time-tested “L’eggo my eggo” commercials. When I saw these in the 80s, I never understood that “l’eggo” was intended to be a humorous contraction of “let go of”. I thought they were referring to the lego toy building blocks and never understood the connection. By the time I was around 6 or 7 I realized what they were talking about, but still hated the portmanteau applied. Take a look at this one and enjoy it before I tear it a new asshole and ruin it for you:

This guy just wants some frozen waffles. He’s either too poor, lazy, pressed for time, or bad at cooking to make real waffles. Therefore he has to scale down his dreams and settle for Eggos. He still seems happy enough at the prospect of having them though. Knowing he can’t trust the traitors in his family, he goes to great lengths to have his Eggos at unlikely times and in unlikely places. Of course, this is doomed to failure. One may laugh at this commercial, but when the underlying themes come to light, it’s very sobering and anything but comical. These are the life lessons one takes away from this commercial:

  1. Never trust anyone, even, or perhaps especially, your own family.
  2. People are like sharks. They’re all just hiding out and waiting for their opportunity to spring out and devour what belongs to you.
  3. Proper grammar is unimportant. Teach your kids incorrect contractions. Then again maybe it is important. This way you can punish them by setting them up for poor academic performance and a bleak financial future. Serves the little shits right for taking your waffles, doesn’t it?
  4. Be spineless. You can’t fight or stand up for yourself, so your only means of survival is to try to outwit others. This won’t work out though, as everyone will always be a step ahead of you and you’re doomed to failure from the beginning. Just let people take what is yours and only weakly mumble a stupid catchphrase in retaliation. You can’t do anything better because you don’t deserve anything better. You are inferior to others and the weak must fall to the strong.

Coco Puffs

I’ll wrap things up by discussing Sonny, the cuckoo bird who was once the spokesman for Coco Puffs. Here he is being an asshole after making a pathetic attempt not to be one, which he quickly abandons:

What have we learned from all of this?

  1. Self-control is impossible to exercise so don’t even attempt it.
  2. Go around and destroy everything you can if that’s what makes you feel good.
  3. Destruction of public property is just a normal part of being happy about getting something you wanted.
  4. Being “cuckoo”, or mentally ill, is comical. Let’s go out there and laugh at people who struggle with mental illness.

Every time I see I riot take place in a city after their local sports team wins a championship, I directly blame these Coco Puffs commercials for the havoc that ensues. The rioters have been taught that destructive behavior and public indecency is what you’re supposed to do when you get something you want or something happens that you like.

In summation, I have to agree that the commercials featuring these cartoon mascots and others featuring deviant behavior and/or learned helplessness on the part of the characters in them truly are dangerous. They’re not dangerous because they encourage unhealthy eating habits, but rather for the twisted values that they subliminally taught to children. I hope Post and General Mills are happy for destroying the minds of an entire generation.

Posted in Uncategorized | Comments (0)

It appears I’m back doing this yet again

June 10th, 2015

Well here it is, June, 10, 2015. I started writing this site exactly 6 years, 1 month, and 23 days ago, on April 17, 2009. The site has seen some periods of inactivity during those years (more on that in a moment), some layout changes, and a regrettable period on Tumblr due to vandals destroying the original WordPress site. Other than that, little has changed. I’m typing this at the same chair, at the same desk, with the same man tits, and the same empty wallet as I did when I created this site in 2009. I’m also still in my parents’ house and broke like a compulsive masturbator leaving a porn theater. To sum it up, I’m still pathetic as hell, but if you enjoyed this site in the past then this is good news. You’ll soon be treated to new content featuring more of the same.

Now that that’s out of the way, I’ll give a brief explanation as to my year and a half hiatus. Tumblr sucks ass and after a while I just didn’t feel like posting on there anymore. By the time I decided I wanted to get back to writing for the site, I could no longer remember my password. The e-mail address that I tried to have it sent to had been discontinued due to inactivity so I couldn’t get back in. Add this to a scrape with Google and Tumblr admins randomly taking it down and putting it back up again and you more or less know what this site experienced during 2014 and most of this year. However, being that it is an inanimate object (or actually even less than that as a website isn’t a tangible item), I suppose it didn’t literally experience anything.

Stay tuned in the coming days/months for the irresistible awkwardness and passive hostility that has for some reason made this site a hit in Russia for the past several years.

Posted in Uncategorized | Comments (0)