It wasn’t until just now as I type this that I came to realize that both of the first two posts since bringing this site back online have been about commercials. That’s not intentional nor a new theme, but if it were, it’d be a pretty damn good one if I do say so myself.
Anyway, with the year nearly halfway over, we’ve had no shortage of commercials that have blown more ass than a gay Dizzy Gillespie. As usual, a lot of these commercials have been car commercials. Car commercials have always had a special ability to be irritating on many levels. They manage to pressure, guilt, nag, brag, and lie all at the same time. They’re also a constant reminder that I drive a car that would have to grow ten pairs of balls just to become a pussy mobile.
The first annoying 2015 car commercial I’ll cover is for the Mazda MX-5 Miata. If you own a tv, you’ve already seen this shit show. Because I’m bitter about how my life turned out and I want you to suffer too, I’m including it here anyway.
This is one of those commercials that is sappier than the crust you find on a poorly cleaned syrup container at IHOP. It so desperately tries to tug at the heartstrings and be deep and meaningful, yet comes off as excessively sugary and condescending. It contains a rambling attempt at a poem of sorts with several unimpressive lines. The goal is to show some douche going through the various stages of life and trying to link cars, specifically Mazdas, to each step of his development.
It features a sickly and perverted looking guy with red hair whose life is nothing more than a giant cliche. If his life story were any more hackneyed and stereotypical, he’d have been birthed through a cookie cutter and not a vagina. Most people have a little more originality than what Mazda gives them credit for. That’s probably becasue Mazda cars completely lack innovation and are bland, boring, and tired. When’s the last time Mazda came out with a badass car that everyone wanted? Never, that’s when.
This commercial fails to account for all the people out there who don’t manage to hit every single milestone/want to hit said specific milestones. This is the type of commercial that appeals to people who watch Lifetime movies, needlessly adopt gluten-free diets, and strive to adopt every new phrase/expression that hits the mainstream. “It’s my/that’s the jam” is a good example of such a phrase. How I fucking hate it when people say that. Unless you’re talking about a jar of Smucker’s in your possession, then nothing is your jam.
This commercial is almost as bad as the long-running series of commercials Mazda used to have featuring some pale little shit who looked like a young Butch Patrick with gonnorhea. He’d say “zoom zoom” and then some bullshit song would start playing consisting of no word other than zoom. Fuck I hated those.
The next commercial I’ll piss and moan about is a new advertisement by State Farm. Back in the 80s, State Farm had some of the best commercials in the game. That’s why it’s not only annoying but just flat out depressing how bad their commercials are now. Here’s the one we’ll be discussing in this article:
This one has a similar theme to the Mazda commercial in that we have another mindless drone living a life more formulaic than a Seth MacFarlane series. This guy is such a fucking pussy he makes me look like Charles Bronson. He walks around like he’s the catch of the day, always enjoying himself and being a smug jizz rag. He keeps claiming there’s all these things he won’t do (always preceded by “I’m never ___”), but then pussies out and does all of them. At the end of the commercial, he looks at his sleeping wife and two brat kids and wistfully says “I’m never letting go.”
This is supposed to be the big awww moment where we’re all touched and start thinking that State Farm is all heart and will always be there for us. What this really says is that State Farm believes in lying and betraying every single thing you say. That’s not really what I want my insurance company to espouse. I want my insurance company to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. That’s why I chose to go with Traveler’s. They keep their mouths shut and insure without trying and failing to be comical or endearing. Instead of insurance, this should be a commercial for tampons.
Is this the kind of guy women really want? Prickish college frat guy types who beneath their douche exterior are spineless and so whippable you don’t even have to break out the whip? I guess so, or at least that’s the kind of guy women who are insured by State Farm want. If that’s what it takes to attract a mate, then I’ll gladly continue dating my hand.
The next commercial is probably my most hated one that’s on tv right now. It’s a commercial showing some sort of instant payment application, but I can’t remember what company it’s for. That’s lucky for you, because it means I can’t add the video to this post and that saves you from having to see it.
This commercial starts out with a trendy suburban looking family getting ready to board an airplane to take a vacation. I think the wife then asks the husband if he remembered to pay their dog sitter and he turns on his phone to check, saying he needs to do it before they leave the airport, since they may not get service on “the island”. This declaration is met by panic on the part of his two ugly kids. His choppy-haired junior hipster looking son screams, “No service?!?!” and his bitch daughter says, “Seriously?” in one of the most annoying voices I’ve ever heard. “Seriously” is another one of those overused expressions that I can’t go five seconds without hearing. It’s not witty, it’s not a comeback, it’s not anything but obnoxious.
The two kids then panic because they think they may have to talk to each other, but fortunately we never learn what happens because the commercial mercifully ends before we’re stuck having to see/hear any more from them. Kids shouldn’t be allowed to have cell phones or any sort of mobile device. This symbiosis with microtechnology is bad enough with adults, but when kids are raised with it they’ll have no chance of any kind of independent thought or ability to do anything that doesn’t involve a phone/tablet. Plus kids are too fucking spoiled and bratty anyway. They don’t deserve these devices. They just need a good old fashioned kick in the ass and a shut-the-hell-up whack across the face.
This is how the commercial would go if I were the director:
Wife: “Did you pay the dog sitter yet mother fucker? You haven’t gotten wood in 8 years and I have to use a Hobart mixer to get off, but can I at least depend on you to pay for shit on time?”
Husband: “Fuck you bitch, I’ll pay for it by phone. Try shaving your ass once per decade and maybe I’ll stop being impotent. Then again I hope you don’t, because then we’ll risk having more of these worthless shit kids. Oh by the way kids, speaking of you, there will be NO FUCKING SERVICE on the island. Deal with it or stay at the airport and get kidnapped.”
Son: “No service?”
Father: “Yes you ugly little fuck, no service. Get a haircut or I’ll disown you.”
Father and Mother, after bitch slapping either side of their daughter’s face: “WE FUCKING TOLD YOU NEVER TO USE THAT EXPRESSION!”
Ticket Agent: Hey, can I join the party?
Voiceover: Shut the fuck and buy our products or go to hell.
That commercial would be so good it would qualify as porn. Why am I writing this worthless article instead of getting paid to make kickass commercials like that one?
There’s a new series of commercials for Kentucky Fried Chicken being aired now that I abhor. They feature a revival of Colonel Sanders, which, if done correctly, would have been a great premise. Instead, they swing and miss in a big way and the result is completely intolerable, as you can see by playing the following video:
This guy has none of the Colonel’s attitude, presence, or general badassery. Making it worse is that the actor in the commercial isn’t even old. He’s very obviously a young guy wearing makeup and a hairpiece to look old, kind of like that Mr Six guy who used to be in the Six Flags commercials. This one is much more obvious though. He doesn’t even do a good job of sounding old. He just sounds like a young asshole with a sore throat.
Harland Sanders gave this Earth one of its greatest treasures. Kentucky Fried Chicken isn’t a simple meaningless title. It is a mark of dignity and integrity, a priceless item of Americana. His innovations have immensely improved the world and we owe him a debt of gratitude that can never be repaid. In addition to being the pioneer behind KFC, Col Sanders also taught Dave Thomas everything he knew about running a restaurant and building chains. Without the Colonel, we’d also never have Wendy’s. To disrespect a man so great by having him portrayed on camera by an asshat like this guy is blasphemy and completely beyond forgiveness.
The last set of commercials I’d like to briefly go over are ones that concern a campaign by Friendly’s. I’m not sure why they’re still making commercials, because I don’t know where any remaining Friendly’s locations are (if there even are any.) Friendly’s has/had pretty good food, but never was known for great commercials. The newest ones though are poor even by their standards. All of them spout out a few empty phrases and then show people stuffing ice cream and toppings into their mouths and getting it all over their faces. It’s fucking disgusting and not something that I want to associate with food.
The actors/actresses end up with melted ice cream smeared all over their faces and happily giggling like a bunch of drooling idiots. It kind of reminds me of this Duncan Hines commercial that was on in the mid-80s. Everyone would scream “deluxious” (that’s not a typing error, it was what they said instead of delicious) and they’d do so with their mouths full of chewed up cake. It was revolting and I thought I’d never have to see it again. Thanks for opening old wounds Friendly’s.