The 2013 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show didn’t show much ass, but sucked plenty

December 12th, 2013

I couldn’t think of a more fitting description of the 2013 Victoria’s Secret show than “ass sucking”. This is ironic, because once again, there was barely any ass to be seen. Just like it’s been for the past 8 or 9 years, whenever a model is wearing panties that might even expose just the slightest modicum of ass, she’s in some fucking skirt, cape, or other costume that has nothing to do with lingerie and has no place in a lingerie fashion show.

I actually missed this years Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show when it originally aired since I was working, but just watched it tonight on YouTube. I’m grateful for that, because that means I was able to skip past all the meaningless interviews that are just put in as filler so the network can run the show for an hour and make more money. Damn you CBS.

There’s 1 singular reason why I and any other guy like me tunes into a lingerie fashion show – we’re pathetic, have no lives, and manage to get pussy about as often as February gets to have 29 days. We suck at life and we know it, so our only shot at seeing hot girls in hot lingerie is the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. Well, at least 10 years ago we could. If I wanted to watch rambling videos about the personalities and paths traveled by the models to reach the stage, I’d be watching the Victoria’s Secret Personality Show. There’s no such thing, and thank fucking fuck there’s not. Even I wouldn’t watch it.

During one of the brief interview segments that I didn’t skip through, the models were talking about the Victoria’s Secret commercial they filmed in Paris. Again, no real ass to speak of here either. The only notable part of this segment was the fact that much to my annoyance, the models kept using the phrase “bra and underwear”. This is a phrase which makes no sense as a bra IS underwear. They’re called panties, please refer to them as such and give us dateless wonders a little bit of a thrill in our otherwise intolerable lives.

Getting back to the ass – there were only 3 notable (by notable, I mean non-blurred and lasting for more than 1 second) ass shots during the whole show. Even among these, the best only exposed around 8% of the girl’s ass. Then they put Taylor Swift up on stage who is hot as fuck, but she’s fully clothed. It’s like CBS took a gargantuan shit and then decided to grab me by the neck and rub my nose in it.

I know I’ve bitched about this before in my other Victoria’s Secret posts, but holy shit, stop with the fucking costumes. THEY ARE NOT LINGERIE. When’s the last time you wore 8 foot wings, a 4 foot wide boa, cape, helium ballon, or semi-shredded skirt under your clothes? Probably never, unless you enjoy being extremely uncomfortable and have really bad spending habits. Or maybe you’re a looner. If that’s the case, then maybe you actually would’ve enjoyed the show. If you’re lucky enough to not know what a looner is, look it up. I shouldn’t be the only one to suffer. Lingerie consists of bras and panties. If it’s not something a woman wears under her clothes, it’s not lingerie.

You could extend stockings and garters to the lingerie list, but that brings up another sore point. Why the fuck do so many of the models wear garter belts with dangling straps and no stockings? It makes no sense at all. It’s like going to a ski resort with only poles and no skis. Also, why do the models wear the garter belts right up by their tits? This isn’t 1940. Then again, 1940 wouldn’t be so bad, because then we’d still have the 80s to look forward to.

As usual, the musical guests were annoying as hell and completely unnecessary. I have always hated Fall Out Boy and having them at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was just barely less blood boiling than Justin Bieber being on it last year. It’s like the slightly better sensation of getting punched in the balls over getting kicked in the balls. Then there was some band whose members all looked like transvestites (in all seriousness, I don’t know what gender they actually were) and sang some irritating song about how they don’t look for trouble, but trouble looks for them. I don’t look for flaccidity, but it sure as hell looked for me tonight.

The other musical performer was some guy who played a piano and looked like the bastard love child of Art Garfunkel and a soda can. Every once in a while, one of the models would go by and rub her hand on the piano like it was supposed to be really hot or something. Note to all Victoria’s Secret models – that’s not sexy. Walk up to the piano and play it with your tits or just kick the Sodafunkel guy off the bench and moon the crowd. That I’d pay top dollar to see.

That’s it for this year’s review. Of course I’ll be tuning in again next year even though I know it’ll suck even more. Why will I be watching? It’s a combination of stupidity and involuntary celibacy.

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