Archive for October, 2013

I hate Tom Brady

October 20th, 2013

One of the things that bothers me the most about being on Tumblr rather than WordPress is my inability to fully optimize my posts. I know I’ve complained about that before, but ultimately it leads me getting even fewer hits than I used to and falling down in to the 50s and lower for search terms for which my site used to rank #1. Why do I bring this up now? The answer is simple: I fucking hate Tom Brady and want the whole world to know it.

If ever there was a poster child for the over-indulged, over-celebrated, and over-excused professional athlete, it’s Brady. The guy can do whatever he wants and be an asshole to nearly everyone, yet he’s still some kind of fucking folk hero. One of the things he’s most frequently praised for is being a great teammate. This is ludicrous, as he relates more poorly to his team than any other QB I can ever remember seeing.

When Tom Brady throws a pass that’s too high or too far down the field, he’ll stomp around and squeal at his wide receiver or tight end, insinuating that it was their fault and not his that the pass was wildly off-target. I guess when you’re as spoiled as Tom Brady, you think other people owe it to you to grow 20-foot long arms and have a 96 inch vertical leap. He doesn’t stop after the play either. Once the Patriots’ defense takes the field, you can still seem him pouting on the sidelines and continuing to piss and moan about the guy to whom he threw a pass that even Stretch Armstrong wouldn’t have been able to reel in.

Brady is like that one rich spoiled kid you knew growing up. Everyone had one of these little douches in their life. The kid who had the rich parents, had all the most expensive toys, wore the most expensive clothes, and would get preferential treatment wherever he went. It wasn’t good enough for him just to have it; he wasn’t satisfied until he’d rubbed everyone’s nose in it. The second one single thing, no matter how small didn’t go his way, the wheels would fall off and the tantrums would begin. Tom Brady to a T.

He gets to bang some of the hottest women in the world, and even that’s not good enough for him. He cheats on one supermodel with Giselle Bundchen. Why can’t I fuck a Victoria’s Secret model? Sure, I’m fat, balding, poor, and pathetic in most every way, but at least I can make it five minutes without crying. I’m surprised Puffs of Kleenex haven’t attempted to get Tom Brady signed for some sort of endorsement deal. “Patriots Puffs” – I can see it now.

The guy is just a complete douche yet everyone loves him. Shit, a former priest at a church I went to would even mention him in practically every other sermon. He’s single-handedly ruined the number 12 for me. I think he’s especially petulant this season because he misses his ass buddy Aaron Hernandez. Now that Hernandez is in prison, he’s probably made a whole slew of new ass buddies and Brady can’t handle that thought.

I hate Rob Gronkowski too. Every time someone says “Gronk Spike” I want to whip out a butcher knife and hack their vocal cords into microscopic bits. It’s not really that hard to throw a football into the ground unless you’re either paralyzed or missing your arms. Gronkowski falls into neither of those categories and therefore should not be lionized for doing something 99.99% of everyone else in the world could do just as efficiently.

Today Gronkowski played in his first game back after an injury and he didn’t manage to convert a single touchdown against the Jets. That’s good for my television set, because if the announcer called a Gronk Spike I probably would’ve thrown a brick through the screen.

Since the game has now been over for about 2 hours, my guess is that Brady is currently doing one of three things. He’s either still in the locker room chewing out guys who had nothing to do with the outcome of the game (even if they’re not physically present), sitting at home and crying next to 300 jars of Vaseline adorned with the number 81, or still on the field, curled up into a ball, crying, and ineffectually waving his hands about.

No professional athlete will ever have the level of scorn from me that Michael Vick does, but Brady is probably the guy who comes the closest. I wish they’d make a Rock ‘em Sock ’em Robots game where one boxer was Vick and the other was Brady. Hell, I’m 30 and would never get tired of playing that game and I imagine anyone who’s neither a Patriots nor Eagles fan would feel the same.

As a side note, I’m getting pretty fucking tired of the expression “pick 6” being used when anyone throws an interception. The expression pick 6 is only applicable if the interception leads to a touchdown, but lately every announcer is using it to describe any interception. Some of them are pick threes, and some are pick zeros. It could also be a pick negative 2 if they player who intercepts the pass eventually gets backed into his team’s end zone and is tackled. Stop saying pick six.

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The next person who talks about Radio 104.1 is getting my foot up their ass

October 3rd, 2013

For fuck’s sake. Lately I can never watch TV or drive by a billboard without seeing some reference to radio 104.1. For those of you who don’t live in New England, radio 104.1 is a shitty station that plays “alternative” music and is worshiped by nearly everyone in the region. I’ve never once voluntarily listened to it, but I think it recently came back after being off the air for a while. Either that or their current advertising campaign makes no sense.

I think it’s another part of the societal cancer that is ‘90s nostalgia. 104.1 first got big during that decade and tried to brand itself as the rebellious and anti-establishment radio station, yet it was about as against-the-grain as breathing or walking. I would wager that 4 out of every 5 students I attended high school with owned a Radio 104.1 Fest (more on that in a minute) t-shirt, cap, bumper sticker, or something else related to the station that sets the world record for transmitting the most wallaby jizz over the airwaves of any other entity in history.

In the 90s and early 00s there was an annual event called Radio 104 Fest that every asshole I knew went to. They’d go and listen to all of their “rebellious” bands so they could be non-conformists just like everyone else. I’d spend my time wishing that there’d be some sort of electrical storm that would wipe everyone at the event out. Actually, that’s just retrospection. I was probably either at Wendy’s or at home watching porn.

They have a new series of commercials running on TV lately, all of which take place in a setting where some sort of violent disaster has apparently happened. Inevitably, there will be two people, one of them adjusting a car radio, and the other standing around looking comatose. Eventually, the radio guy manages to tune in to Douche Radio and the comatose person suddenly looks up in awe and asks what’s going on. At this point, the radio operator gets this profound look on his face and says something like, “It’s something great I listened to a long time ago…” Then the screen fades to black and puts up 104’s logo and states that it’s back on the air.

First off, the 90s haven’t even been over for a full 14 years yet. Secondly, 104.1 didn’t go down until some time in the mid 00s. Unless you’re pre-pubescent, a crackhead, or possibly both, anything from that recent of a time period should not seem ancient and mysterious. I cringe to think of what it’s going to be like in about ten years when the 90s nostalgia wave really hits in a massive shit tsunami. (Generally, it seems to take about 30 years for a decade to really start having its junk blown by everyone who was alive for it. Preserve the 80s started in 2009, so don’t blow the hypocrite whistle. On second thought, go ahead. At least the 80s are worth getting on your knees and blowing with all your might.)

Holy shit, the 2020’s are going to fucking suck. We’ll be seeing even more 90s nostalgia and the decade will almost definitely start with either Hillary Clinton or Chris Christie as president. Hopefully I’ll be living in Estonia by then.

Getting back to the subject at hand, Radio 104.1 sucks balls, so stop obsessing over it and acting like it’s Megan Fox’s vaginal ejaculation. They played all of the shittiest bands from one of the shittiest decades. I think the two I hated most were (well are, their format hasn’t changed at all) Green Day and Rage Against the Machine. You already know I fucking hate Green Day if you’ve ever been on this site before. I have not yet declared my hatred for Rage Against the Machine, so I’ll do that now.

This is a band that is the musical equivalent of the 2 girls 1 cup video. Mother of fuck, I hated them with every ounce of my being and still do. You’re certainly raging against “the machine” when you’re a popular band getting widespread airtime and having every little douchebag jr high kid on the planet walking around in your merchandise. Damn, that’s some hardcore anti-establishment shit right there.

That last paragraph reminded me of this obnoxious little shit I went to jr high school with who seemed to wear the same Rage Against the Machine shirt every single fucking day. He liked to pretend he was some kind of badass, walking around in his douche band shirt, BOSS jeans, and backwards cap. Too bad he lost all his “street cred” by way of being a middle class white kid who was about 4 feet tall and had a voice high-pitched enough to shatter glass.

This has probably been the most rambling and tangential article I’ve ever written. It just goes to show much ass Radio 104.1 sucks, because it’s in one way or another related to everything in the universe that sucks. Maybe if it goes down again, everything else in the world that I hate will disappear too. Then there will be little else left other than fast food restaurants and Cuban girls with gigantic asses.

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