One of the things that bothers me the most about being on Tumblr rather than WordPress is my inability to fully optimize my posts. I know I’ve complained about that before, but ultimately it leads me getting even fewer hits than I used to and falling down in to the 50s and lower for search terms for which my site used to rank #1. Why do I bring this up now? The answer is simple: I fucking hate Tom Brady and want the whole world to know it.
If ever there was a poster child for the over-indulged, over-celebrated, and over-excused professional athlete, it’s Brady. The guy can do whatever he wants and be an asshole to nearly everyone, yet he’s still some kind of fucking folk hero. One of the things he’s most frequently praised for is being a great teammate. This is ludicrous, as he relates more poorly to his team than any other QB I can ever remember seeing.
When Tom Brady throws a pass that’s too high or too far down the field, he’ll stomp around and squeal at his wide receiver or tight end, insinuating that it was their fault and not his that the pass was wildly off-target. I guess when you’re as spoiled as Tom Brady, you think other people owe it to you to grow 20-foot long arms and have a 96 inch vertical leap. He doesn’t stop after the play either. Once the Patriots’ defense takes the field, you can still seem him pouting on the sidelines and continuing to piss and moan about the guy to whom he threw a pass that even Stretch Armstrong wouldn’t have been able to reel in.
Brady is like that one rich spoiled kid you knew growing up. Everyone had one of these little douches in their life. The kid who had the rich parents, had all the most expensive toys, wore the most expensive clothes, and would get preferential treatment wherever he went. It wasn’t good enough for him just to have it; he wasn’t satisfied until he’d rubbed everyone’s nose in it. The second one single thing, no matter how small didn’t go his way, the wheels would fall off and the tantrums would begin. Tom Brady to a T.
He gets to bang some of the hottest women in the world, and even that’s not good enough for him. He cheats on one supermodel with Giselle Bundchen. Why can’t I fuck a Victoria’s Secret model? Sure, I’m fat, balding, poor, and pathetic in most every way, but at least I can make it five minutes without crying. I’m surprised Puffs of Kleenex haven’t attempted to get Tom Brady signed for some sort of endorsement deal. “Patriots Puffs” – I can see it now.
The guy is just a complete douche yet everyone loves him. Shit, a former priest at a church I went to would even mention him in practically every other sermon. He’s single-handedly ruined the number 12 for me. I think he’s especially petulant this season because he misses his ass buddy Aaron Hernandez. Now that Hernandez is in prison, he’s probably made a whole slew of new ass buddies and Brady can’t handle that thought.
I hate Rob Gronkowski too. Every time someone says “Gronk Spike” I want to whip out a butcher knife and hack their vocal cords into microscopic bits. It’s not really that hard to throw a football into the ground unless you’re either paralyzed or missing your arms. Gronkowski falls into neither of those categories and therefore should not be lionized for doing something 99.99% of everyone else in the world could do just as efficiently.
Today Gronkowski played in his first game back after an injury and he didn’t manage to convert a single touchdown against the Jets. That’s good for my television set, because if the announcer called a Gronk Spike I probably would’ve thrown a brick through the screen.
Since the game has now been over for about 2 hours, my guess is that Brady is currently doing one of three things. He’s either still in the locker room chewing out guys who had nothing to do with the outcome of the game (even if they’re not physically present), sitting at home and crying next to 300 jars of Vaseline adorned with the number 81, or still on the field, curled up into a ball, crying, and ineffectually waving his hands about.
No professional athlete will ever have the level of scorn from me that Michael Vick does, but Brady is probably the guy who comes the closest. I wish they’d make a Rock ‘em Sock ’em Robots game where one boxer was Vick and the other was Brady. Hell, I’m 30 and would never get tired of playing that game and I imagine anyone who’s neither a Patriots nor Eagles fan would feel the same.
As a side note, I’m getting pretty fucking tired of the expression “pick 6” being used when anyone throws an interception. The expression pick 6 is only applicable if the interception leads to a touchdown, but lately every announcer is using it to describe any interception. Some of them are pick threes, and some are pick zeros. It could also be a pick negative 2 if they player who intercepts the pass eventually gets backed into his team’s end zone and is tackled. Stop saying pick six.