Archive for September, 2013

Shut the puck up about hockey

September 15th, 2013

It’s that time of year again. Football season is officially underway, the baseball playoffs are coming up and basketball season is on the horizon. Every year without fail, this is the time that hockey fans start yammering on and on about how much they love hockey and how much every other sport sucks. There’s only one problem – hockey fucking sucks ass.

There is absolutely no sport that is more boring to watch than hockey. It’s basically just soccer on ice and with sticks. Actually no, it’s even more boring than soccer. At least soccer (international soccer, not MLS which is about as irrelevant as this site) has hooligans. Hooligans make any event better, no matter how much it sucks.

Some people argue that hockey is fun to watch because of the fights. Hockey fights are not amusing in the slightest. With all the protective gear immobilizing the players, as well as the fact that they’re on ice skates, no real ass kicking can really occur. It’s like watching two marionettes duke it out. There’s just lots of entanglement and not a whole lot of real action going on.

The most annoying thing about hockey has to be its fans. They think they’re some kind of honorable brotherhood and if you’re not a part of it, you’re just a philistine who doesn’t know shit about sports. If you’re a football fan, baseball fan, or basketball fan, they think anything you say in person or post online is just idle bullshit but their hockey musings are pure gold.

There was this rotten little bastard I went to school with (same one referenced in the How I Met Your Mother post) who was obsessed with hockey. In 5th grade we had to write haikus about Christmas that would be put in to books that we’d bring home to our parents. All of that kid’s haikus ended up being about hockey and he couldn’t even get the 5/7/5 pattern right in any of them. Fucking bastard. Pepsi girl also was a big hockey fan. If you’re asking yourself, “Who’s Pespi girl?” this is obviously your first time visiting this site.

I was in Chicago this past June. I was there on business, not by choice. I would never voluntarily set foot in Shitcago. Anyway, I was there the night the Blackhawks beat the Bruins in the Stanley Cup Championship. Everyone was running around and going apeshit and trashing the neighborhood to an even worse extent of trash than what it already was, which was no easy feat. Even though I hate hockey and don’t watch it, those are my two most hated teams in the NHL. Boston and Chicago teams always get top priority hatred, with New Orleans coming up in a very close 3rd place.

The last time I even came close to giving a shit about hockey was when the Whalers left Connecticut and became the Carolina Hurricanes. I never went to a Whalers game and almost never watched any, but having 1 major league level sports team in Connecticut made it seem a little less pathetic, even if it was a hockey team.

Another irritating aspect of hockey is that due to the small size of the puck and its dark color, it’s impossible to see what’s going on half of the time. It’s like what you’d get if the TV networks draped a black cloth over the camera lens every 5 seconds during the broadcast of a real sport. The only thing that’s even remotely non-shitty about hockey is that one of the most commonly played songs at hockey games was written by Stompin’ Tom Connors, the greatest man in Canadian history.

On another note… no, forget it. Fuck hockey.

 

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The ten shittiest songs ever written

September 1st, 2013

When it comes to music, if it wasn’t written between 1980-89 and/or by Social Distortion, The Butthole Surfers, or the Paxil Clowns, I pretty much hate it all. However, there are some that are exceptionally irksome to the point that every time I hear them played, my Shawcross Sense starts tingling. Unfortunately for me, most of these are/were wildly popular and so it’s not at all unusual to have to hear them when venturing out of my house.

I have a special hatred for all dubstep music, so intense that my scorn for it won’t even allow me to recognize it enough to include it in the upcoming list. Listening to dubstep is worse than having an orgy in a convalescent home whilst simultaneously having to eat fifty-three of those disgusting vegetable patty things they sell at Subway. Enough of my palaver. Time to start the shit list.

10. “Dirrty” – Christina Aguilera

Where to begin on this one? First off, Christina Aguilera has the worst singing voice of anyone I have ever heard in my life. When I was in elementary school, we had several presentations by the Theater of the Deaf. In one of their performances, they attempted to sing. I was six years old and it scared the living fuck out of me. Still, that’s like a facesitting session from Vida Guerra compared to listening to Christina Aguilera.

I hate Family Guy, but shit, did they ever pin it right on the nose when they described Christina Aguilera as being offensive to all five senses. I hate the way she tries to sound like she’s black when she sings and how she always does that half-choked moaning thing. Honestly, I hate pretty much all of her songs pretty much equally. There are however two reasons why “Dirrty” stands out from the rest. One is that I got shot down by a really hot girl who used the song title as part of her AIM screen name (she did moon me once though, so it wasn’t a total loss), and the 2nd is that it’s ruined several potentially enjoyable stripper performances.

9. “Friday” – Rebecca Black

No list of terrible music is complete without “Friday”. I’ve gotten out of bed, eaten cereal, and entered cars several times and it’s really not thrilling enough to be the basis for a song. If you’re under 18, you shouldn’t be allowed to sing in public under any circumstance. If this song sucked just a little bit less ass, I’d feel sorry for Rebecca Black and the other kids who appeared in the music video, but no. It was their choice to be in this and they must suffer the consequences.

I think the most annoying part is when all the little shits are in the car (none of whom look anywhere near old enough to drive) and pump their fists in the air while Black sings something like “Partying, partying yeah! Looking forward to the weeeeekend”. If you’re already partying on Friday morning, then why do you have to look forward to the weekend? It has to be a 3 day weekend already. Either that or they’re skipping school and driving illegally. They should’ve had a scene in the video where a cop pulls them over and throws all of their amelodic asses in juvenile hall. Hopefully not the one in my town though.

8. “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” – The Clash

This is one of the most irritating songs ever written. From the dragged-out whining by Joe Strummer and repetitive meaningless lyrics, this song is shittier than a septic tank. As a fan of early punk bands and a member of a few punk bands in my younger days, I’ve often taken heat for hating the Clash, and even moreso for hating the Ramones (who are responsible for the next song on this list). Every time I hear this song, it’s like sitting in the dentist chair, as the hygienist picks away at your teeth and you’re just gutting it out and waiting for it to be over.

The whole punk movement is about going against the grain and rejecting the mainstream. Despite this, every once in a great while a punk band comes out with a song that the mainstream loves and without exception, these songs always suck. This is the 2nd best example of such a song.

7. “Blitzkrieg Bop” – The Ramones

I’ll say it plain and bluntly – I fucking hate the Ramones. They’re like what the Sex Pistols would be if they all got together one day and decided to suck as much ass as possible and dedicating their lives to prancing around pretending to be badasses. I mentioned in my rant about “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” that it was the 2nd best example of a punk song that really sucks being espoused by the mainstream. “Blitzkrieg Bop” is number one.

This is a song you hear everywhere. It’ll be played at just about every athletic event imaginable, in bars, restaurants, and in far too many commercials. Communications company commercials are by far the most annoying variety, and I can immediately think of at least 3 of them in which this song is featured.

6. Any Hippie Jam Band Song

It doesn’t really matter that I didn’t pick a specific song or band for this one, since they all sound exactly the same. Whether it be the Grateful Dead, Phish, The Allman Brothers, Ratdog (yes, I know they’re related to the Grateful Dead), Cream, The Disco Biscuits or any other hygiene hating band, they’re all identical. A lot of my friends love this shit and base their whole lives around it, spending all of their spare money going to jam fests and trying to involve hippie music in everything they do.

This is the formula for any hippie jam band song:

1. High-pitched, whining, interminable guitar solos
2. Short bursts of lyrics that are intended to be really profound but fail miserably in the attempt
3. A drummer who is physically present but doesn’t do anything
4. Lots of weed smoking, as there’s no other way to listen to this without killing yourself.
5. Profits for Lowe’s and Home Depot due to the extra rope they sell for those who cannot procure said weed.

90% of the people who listen to this kind of music are lazy, unemployed, self-righteous assholes who have never done anything meaningful or contributed anything to anyone in their wasted lives. This doesn’t stop them from getting in your face and ramming their politics down your throat like they’re Ron Jeremy and you’re Jenna Jameson.

5. “Day-O”

The one and only good thing about this song is that it’s pretty short. If it were any longer, I’d find out who originally composed it, book a flight to their homeland, and take a piss on their grave. This is another one you hear a lot at athletic events, but it’s not really clear why. Standing around and waiting to have bananas that you’ve assembled be counted up by some asshole has no clear connection to any sport I can think of. There’s also no really specific time during the games that they’ll play this song. It’ll just randomly strike like a bolt of lightning annihilating your balls. The audience will always sing along without fail, though mercifully they seldom if ever go beyond the first two “Day Os”. The only way this song could become more annoying would be if Christina Aguilera were to sing it. Fuck, that would be worse than death.

4. “What I Like About You” – The Romantics

This is a song that fortunately isn’t as omnipresent as it once was. That doesn’t make me hate it any less though. During the early 90s, there was a parody of this song that replaced “You” with “Tim” and showed clips of Tim Taylor in a commercial for Home Improvement. The last time I mentioned Home Improvement on this website was four years ago, and my hatred of it has not abated one bit since. This song is just plain annoying and there’s little else than can be said about it. The penalty for playing this song should be having to eat out Michelle Obama. No, I take that back. Nobody deserves that degree of torture.

3. “All Star” – Smash Mouth

For many years, this was my all-time most hated song until some other assholes somehow managed to write songs that were even worse. Hearing this song takes me back to my high school days when I was surrounded by so many assholes that I didn’t know if I was in school or at a proctologist’s office. It would play on the bus, it played at the prom, and it played on just about everyone’s disk-man. Shit, that makes me pine for the pre-iPod days and the days before mobile Internet existed. It’s sort of like waxing nostalgic for the few seconds where only one of your balls has been kicked right after kick number two is meted out.

Everything about Smash Mouth was annoying. I hated their music, I hated their voices, I hated the way they looked, and I hated their music videos. Every time I hear this song, it’s like having a slide show play of all the biggest bastards and bitches I knew during high school. “All Star” was also featured in the first “Now That’s What I Call Music” CD that I can remember seeing. That alone is reason enough to hate anything.

2. “American Idiot” – Green Day

If ever there existed a person designed for having their ass kicked, it’s Billie Joe Armstrong. I fucking hate everything about him, but I hate his music most of all. “American Idiot” became the rallying cry of every teenager and college kid who didn’t understand or really care about politics, but were brainwashed with enough of the “America is always the bad guy” mantra that is preached by all public schools. The thing is, Billie Joe Armstrong is an American Idiot. He’s an idiot, and he lives in America. Why does he spell Billie with an ie and not a y? Is it some kind of a tribute to Billie Jean King? Is his formal name something other than William? Forget it, I don’t give a shit about the way he spells his name and neither do you. A shit heap by any other name would smell as sweet.

Billie Joe Asshole

I’d like to break this guy’s jaw even more than the hipster kid shown in my last post.

I first became aware of Green Day when I was in 7th grade and was in an English class with this kid who was obsessed with the Green Day album Dookie. Anyone who refers to shit as dook or dookie is a guaranteed asshole (no pun intended) and incurs my immediate hatred. Green Day had the rare courtesy to kind of go away for a while after that but then shit their way back on to the national scene again with “American Idiot”. The band’s drummer calls himself Tre Cool. That should be grounds for castration.

1. “Kernkraft 400” – Zombie Nation

Kernkraft 400 literally translates to “Nuclear – by virtue of 400”. That’s a really dumb name for a song. Yes, I know the literal English translation isn’t what the band intended for the title to mean, but still, what a fucking stupid title for a song. From what I’ve read, it’s supposed to mean something more like “Nuclear Power 400”. Still sucks.

The part of this song I hate the most is the “whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh” part that constitutes the chorus of the song. Large groups of assembled assholes love to bust out and sing this part ad nauseum for no apparent reason. Stop. Please. It’s probably the only sound in the world more annoying than a baby crying (except for a baby laughing). It’s the vocal equivalent of the annoying tendency for crowds to start randomly tossing a beach ball around.

While this is by far the most annoying song I’ve ever heard and my most hated song in the entire universe, there’s one thing that makes me hate it even more than the reasons listed above. A while ago I was on YouTube and watching some videos of burlesque routines, which are infinitely hotter than modern-day harlot style stripping. Two words: ass tassels.

Moving on. Two of the videos I found were of this blazingly hot brunette girl who went by the name of Frenchy and as you would expect, she started out her routine in a French maid uniform. She quite seductively goes on to remove her various articles of clothing until it (appears) that she’s only wearing pasties and a g-string. Kernkraft 400 was the sole soundtrack for both of her videos, which almost made me hate it a little less. Note that I said almost. As I looked a little closer, I realized she was wearing skin-toned pantyhose with the g-string over them, so she really wasn’t exposing her ass at all. This changed my hatred of Kernkraft 400 into a cartoonish-level abhorrence that is best left undescribed, should I ever be subject to a sanity hearing.

Here’s one of the Frenchy videos below. She turned striptease into a literal tease and the only true justice would be for her to put herself over my knee, sans pantyhose, and be spanked until the cows come home, and then for a little while longer with the cows watching. Don’t let the awkward look in the freeze frame fool you. This girl is really fucking hot.

 

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