Get over Cheerios everybody, they’re not that special

August 13th, 2013

Before I begin my Cheerios-related rant, I suppose I owe it to the three or four people who have followed Preserve the 80s with any degree of regularity over the years to explain the site’s extended absence. I was originally running it off WordPress (which is infinitely better than Tumblr by the way, since you can actually optimize your posts) and was the repeated victim of some pathetic hacker.

After 3 years, the site’s assailant finally managed to fuck it up beyond the point of salvation and that’s when I was forced to move everything to Tumblr. You sort of have to wonder why someone would so aggressively target my website. It’s not like it’s exactly relevant to anything important. I guess it must have been somebody who really liked the blurring of the Victoria’s Secret models’ asses by CBS The trouble didn’t stop there though, as shortly after the move Google had pulled all of my posts out of their index. I’ve managed to get everything back together again, so (hopefully) Preserve the 80s is back to stay this time.

Now to get to the actual topic I’d been wanting to post about for nearly a year now. Cheerios suck. They just plain blow, and that’s all there is to it. I can’t think of any cereal that’s more bland or boring or one that goes down with a less comfortable texture. It’s like someone took sandpaper, rolled it up into small rings, extracted whatever flavor the sandpaper may have had, and made it into a cereal.

Cheerios taste like ass, but that’s far from being the biggest reason why I hate them with such ardent fervor. Every single facet of their advertising seems like it was designed to be as ingratiating as possible. In their 30 second sap-fests of shit, they try to make it seem as if Cheerios are the only thing over which humans can bond and as that without them, we’d lose all connection to our friends and loved ones.

There’s this one Cheerios commercial that’s on now that I probably hate the most of any they’ve made so far. It starts out with some ugly little kid and her vacant-eyed mother sitting at a table eating Cheerios. Then the kid asks if her grandmother ever ate Cheerios, to which her mother replies with a sob-choked answer to the affirmative. After this, General Mill’s little spokeswhore goes on to say, “So then it’s like we’re eating with Grandma!”

This is a pathetic attempt to grasp at the heartstrings but it fails miserably. I’m sure Cheerios weren’t the only thing your grandmother ever ate, kid. Fuck, I mean I’m sure at some point Vida Guerra has eaten bread. Does that mean I’m eating with Vida every time I have a sandwich? The answer is no and that’s really unfortunate, because I would eat all of my meals off of Vida Guerra’s ass if I could. In effect, all Cheerios achieves is indicating that it is food. Thank fuck they did that, because otherwise we’d never be able to figure it out.

The above is just one of several Cheerios commercials I hate that all run along a similar theme. It’s been going on for a pretty long time, because in one of the last posts I made before my site went down I addressed the “One and only Cheerios” ad campaign which is still squeezing out 30 second blocks of giraffe shit on a regular basis.

The latest ads always contain some meaningless Twitter hash tags as well. If you’ve ever visited my site before, you know how much I hate Twitter, so I don’t think I need to elaborate on the hash tags in and of themselves. What I will elaborate on are the phrases they put next to the hash tags. One of them is just “love”. Nobody loves Cheerios. It’s possible that some people with poorly working olfactory systems and taste receptors may love the taste of Cheerios, but nobody has an emotional bond with the cereal itself. If they do, I pray they seek counseling as soon as possible.

The other hash tag that they put up that was especially irksome was #nomnom. “Nom” isn’t a word and I’m tired as hell of hearing everyone saying it and writing it lately. It’s supposed to be a take on the sounds Cookie Monster (fucking traitor to fat people EVERYWHERE) makes when he eats. However, Cookie Monster has been around for 40+ years and this “nom” bullshit didn’t come about until around 2009. I wish that every time someone said, wrote, or typed it, they’d be sent to ‘Nam and properly disposed of.

With the brief exception of a short period during the late 80s when they ran the “Unsinkable Taste of Cheerios” commercials, they have never managed to come out with a series of commercials that was even borderline tolerable. Earlier in the 80s, they had these black and white cartoon commercials aimed at kids. They’d usually feature figures being flung around and screaming “Cheerio-o-o-o-o’s!!!!” Those commercials used to give me nightmares, but nowhere near as badly as the current ones do. The current ones make nightmares a reality. I’d have a lot more to say about this, but Tumblr is once again doing that thing where there’s about a 90 second delay before anything I type shows up on the screen and it’s too annoying to continue. Time for porn I guess.

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