If you remember the Man Show (the Adam Carolla/Jimmy Kimmel version, not the Rogan & Stanhope farce), chances are you’ll remember a segment they’d do every once in a while called “The Museum of Annoying Guys”. Predictably enough, this would consist of archetypes of various annoying people and explanations as to what makes them annoying. This will be pretty much the same thing, only it’ll cover both genders.
Let’s get the douche parade going and introduce the people who grind my gears until they shatter.
The “Succesful” Guy
Before I begin, I want to stress that I don’t mean this in the “99%” kind of way or as an expression of self-entitlement to things I haven’t earned. It’s not against successful people in general (hence the quotes around Successful) but rather those who aren’t happy unless everyone in the world knows how great they have it.
The Successful Guy is someone usually between the ages of about 30 and 60 who has to spend every second of his life broadcasting to the world how great he his and how many needless possessions he’s managed to rack up for himself. In most cases, he’ll be married to a self-loathing trophy wife who loves the money but hates her husband. You can always see the desperately miserable look in her eyes when she has to do anything with him that doesn’t involve a shopping spree.
The Successful guy has to own a boat, only the most expensive cars, designer clothing, and a summer home that may or may not ever see use. What makes this guy so annoying isn’t what he’s achieved (if he’s earned it) but rather the fact that he uses any place he goes as a platform to stand up and say, “Look at me! I’m better than you! Look at all the great shit I have! Please? Oh God, if someone doesn’t pay some attention to me soon I’ll be alone with my thoughts and I’ll have to come to terms with what a douche I am and how if it weren’t for my money, everyone would hate me. Ok world, have it your way! You won’t recognize my greatness, so you don’t deserve me. Now I’m whipping out my 1898 Luger, the most expensive gun you’ve ever seen!” BANG!
Bye-bye, Successful Guy.
The Roid-Rage Workout Guy
I think we all know at least one of these guys in our lives. All they ever talk about is the gym and how ripped they are and they can’t seem to go 5 minutes without taking off their shirts and snapping a few hundred self-shot pictures in front of a bathroom mirror. They haven’t done anything else of worth in their otherwise pedestrian lives, so they think they have to make up for it by being Mr Universe. They’re always looking for a fight and like to stir up shit with complete strangers just because they get a thrill out of thinking they’ve intimidated someone. They’re usually the high school jock types whose glory days of giving swirlies and scoring clumsy and awkward inexperienced action after school dances have passed. Now they’re just clinging to anything to validate their existence and failing miserably.
The Female Gearhead
There are actually two sub-types to this variety of annoying women. One breed knows a lot about cars and can never shut the fuck up about how they can do anything under the hood better than any guy. They constantly talk about how they’re challenging gender roles and what “Tom Boys” they are. Little do they care that by using that phrase, they’re actually reinforcing gender roles rather than turning them upside down. I don’t think that’d bother them though, just so long as everyone in the room knows they have a vagina and a working knowledge of auto maintenance.
The second kind of female gearhead is ten times more annoying than the one described above. This is a woman who doesn’t know anything about cars and is lucky if she even knows how to pump gas. Despite this, she’ll ramble on and on about cars all the time, whether it be whatever model she’s currently fixated on or how she won’t date a guy who doesn’t drive a muscle car or something that cost enough to make a down payment on a mansion. I had an ex girlfriend who fell into this category. Her obsession was with Del Sols and she owned two of them during the time I was dating her. She fucked up the first one by going 25,000 miles without an oil change and the second one she smashed up while driving it into the side of a grocery store.
The Baby-Obsessed Woman
I’ve mentioned this particular annoying person before in at least one previous post, but they piss me off enough that I’ll light into them again here. This is a woman who goes far above and beyond the typical pride and happiness one normally and understandably enough feels after having a kid (especially if its her first). Suddenly, every single thing she says, whether it be in person or through social media is about her new bundle of soiled diapers.
Whether you want it or not, you’ll not only know every detail of the kid’s life, but also receive a running commentary on every single moment of their day and every action they perform therein. They just don’t seem to understand that other people aren’t going to have the same fixation and enthusiasm with their baby that they do. There’s a saying a lot of anti-religious people like to use that goes something like, “A religion is a lot like a penis. It’s okay to have one and it’s nice that you’re proud of it, but that doesn’t mean you should around go waving it in everyone’s face.” Same goes for your baby, so please, put it away for a while.
The Intolerant Preacher of Tolerance
This is a variety of sub-human who I think nearly everyone hates. They exist in both genders, all age groups, and across all points of the political spectrum. They preach love, kindness, and understanding of all people, regardless of what differences it is they may posses. The trouble is, this all comes crumbling down for them when another person makes one fatal error – expressing an opinion that doesn’t jibe with theirs. Once this happens, the dam breaks open and the floodgates of kindergarten insults come at you like a tidal wave.
This person will shit on your beliefs like they’re in a German porn video, yet expect you to respond by doing a 180 and suddenly agreeing with them 100%. The worst ones are the people who have stubbornly rigid opinions about something with which they have no experience and it’s something you’ve lived with and have had the best teacher of all – life experience. They’ll throw numbers and quotes at you from articles spun by authors who subscribe to their philosophy of choice and insist that you don’t know what you’re talking about. After all, you’ve only experienced it first hand. They’ve read about it.
The Really Unattractive Girl Who Think’s She’s Hot
Let’s face it, you can’t help how you look. If you’ve gone through my site and seen my pictures, you know I’m the last person on Earth who is in any position to make negative remarks about someone else’s appearance. Being unattractive in and of itself isn’t annoying or offensive, but come on, you know the type of person I’m talking about here. Everyone knew one or two of these kind of girls in high school or college – the girl who could’ve compensated by having a nice personality and legitimate self respect, but instead chose to live in a world of self-delusion, strutting about with an insufferable degree of arrogance and unearned confidence on what a hot piece of ass she supposedly is.
This girl loves to go around in barely-there clothing, even when she very obviously doesn’t have the body for it. She’ll babble on and on about how every guy on Earth wants her and is trying to score with her like she’s a hockey puck. One law of the universe is that no matter how hideous you may be, someone equally hideous and horny is out there willing to have sex with you. Whenever I think of this annoying archetype, I’m reminded of this one girl I went to school with from elementary school straight through high school. She had the most grating personality of anyone I’ve ever met and loved to dress like a harlot.
Being of the aesthetically-unpleasing and sex deprived variety myself, even I would’ve rather had a circle jerk with all of my great-grandfathers (including the dead ones) than touch, let alone bang this girl. She got pregnant 3 or 4 times in high school and walked around as if her ongoing series of abortions were some kind of trophy that confirmed that she was our generation’s leading sex symbol.
Again, had this girl had a nice personality, had true respect for herself and her body, or achieved anything other than having sex with old perverts and making me temporarily impotent, I probably wouldn’t even have included this category in my article. She took the low road as everyone else of this personality type does, and thus deserves to be enshrined in the Museum of Annoying People. She also tended to eat with her mouth open, which was equally revolting.
This one doesn’t need an explanation. Seriously, look at this guy’s picture and honestly tell me you don’t have the urge to break his jaw.
The “I just found myself” Person
This one covers a wide variety of annoying bastards and bitches and is kind of hard to sum up in a single category. Generally it’s someone who has just decided to take on some identity that they never were associated with before and they feel it’s their duty to impart the information to everyone in the world with all the subtlety of a sledge hammer. It could be a random new religious affiliation, newly declared Atheism, a new political position, membership in a new subculture (ie the newly formed neo-hippie who won’t shut the fuck up about how much weed he smokes), and so on.
In some cases, rather than taking on a new personal identity, this person will suddenly become obsessed with some random cause that they have no personal connection with whatsoever. They often know little about that of which they speak, much like the Intolerant Preacher of Tolerance introduced earlier in this article. That sure doesn’t stop them from shoving their issue of choice in your face and becoming convinced that you’re the next Hitler if you disagree with them.
That’s it for this round of the Museum of Annoying People, but stay tuned as there are many exhibits to be included as this world has no shortage of douchery. Maybe in the next installment I’ll get around to the pudgy, balding, 30-year-old bloggers who still live with their parents and whose opinions are of no meaning whatsoever. I have to be careful about what I say on that one though, or I might end up getting offended and kicking my own ass.