I can’t leave my house for more than 5 minutes without being either horribly offended or horribly annoyed by somebody or something. (I can’t be in my house for more than 5 seconds without that happening). I feel like I’m a proctologist sometimes – no matter where I go or what I do, I’m surrounded by assholes. With all the sheeple we have wandering around these days, living their lives based on one trend to the next, I imagine all of the other portly and unattractive dateless wonders out there experience the same feelings as I do. Get ready misanthropes, involuntary celibates, and parent’s-house-dwellers (hell, I’m all 3). This post is for you.
The first thing I’ll address are those stick figure family drawings that everyone in the world has on the back window of their cars these days. You know the ones I’m referring to. They’re those stupid black bumper stickers with a white (on rare occasions yellow) stick figure rendition of every person in the family of whoever owns the car. Somebody needs to let these people know that they aren’t special for spreading their legs/jizzing and producing more unnecessary lives. Yes, you’re proud you have kids, but here’s something you might not know – NOBODY ELSE GIVES A SHIT. An example of one of these stickers with my own personally added touch is seen below:
Every time I see one of these stickers while driving, I get the overwhelming urge to drive full force into the back of the car and smash their precious picture to smithereens. The only problem is that a drive a Hyundai Accent and the whole damn thing will fall into pieces if someone breathes too hard on it. I’m thinking of adding a cow catcher to the front. At least that might wedge the cars with those fucking stickers off the ground a bit and if all goes well, their struts and tie rods might break when they land. It’ll be a special kind of cow catcher that can be folded up by a remote button, so once it’s been retracted, there will be no evidence that my car ever touched theirs and Mrs Aging Suburban Trophy Wife’s insurance company will be footing the bill.
Another thing I hate is how whenever people sing about Christmas, they always pronounce it as “Chris-muss”. It doesn’t make the song more powerful, it doesn’t make the lyrics easier to understand, and it doesn’t do anything of use whatsoever. I remember speaking with a friend once who told me that when she was in high school, her chorus teacher specifically instructed the class to pronounce Christmas this way in their songs. I hope that teacher was fired and had her teaching license permanently revoked. Let her work a series of mind-numbing dead end, go-nowhere jobs like I’ve had to do and see if “muss” is still so precious.
Speaking of Christmas, another thing that really pisses me off is how nobody is actually allowed to use the term Christmas anymore. It’s always just “Happy Holidays”. This isn’t just limited to Christian holidays though. These days you can’t say Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Fulfilling Kwanzaa, etc without the PC crowd getting their panties in a bunch over it. If they really want people to celebrate and promote diversity, then shouldn’t they want people who aren’t part of a given faith/ethnic group to be exposed to the practices of others? Apparently not, as the only way to prevent ignorance and promote tolerance is for us all to just pretend that we’re all the same and treat any differences as offensive and keep them in the dark. I’m not Jewish, but if someone were to wish me a Happy Hanukkah, I’d take it as a sign of goodwill and wish it back to them. It’d only be offensive if they said something along the lines of “HAPPY (insert holiday name here) MOTHER FUCKER. IF YOU’RE NOT (insert faith here), YOU’RE GOING TO BURN IN HELL. YOUR BELIEFS ARE SHIT AND IF I EVER CATCH YOU EXPRESSING THEM I’LL KILL YOU ON THE SPOT!”
This over-sensitivity is taken to an extreme in a commercial I recently saw, but I can’t remember what the commercial was for. Anyway, it shows a CHRISTMAS tree, CHRISTMAS stockings, and Santa Claus, yet rather than saying Christmas, simply uses the word “holiday” about 17 times, as if it weren’t clear what holiday they were talking about. We all have a right to freedom of expression and shouldn’t have to live out our faith or lack thereof in the closet. If you’re Christian, Jewish, Muslim, Hindu, Buddhist, Agnostic, Atheist, or anything else, just tell any asswipe who tries to censor you that you’re here, you’re whatever the fuck you are, and they have to get used to it. Here’s the kind of bumper stickers big media pussies like Les Moonves would prefer people had on their cars:
Damn it all, I mentioned Les Moonves. I’ll be having nightmares for weeks now.
Another thing that everybody does these days that I can’t stand is referring to vacation as “vaca”. Nobody did this until about 3 years ago but now everybody does. Yes, I already know that I talked about this in an earlier post about calling vacation “vaca”, but fuck, I hate it now more than ever. The same thing goes for everybody all of a sudden calling California “Cali”. Vacation is only a three syllable word. It doesn’t take that much effort to say it. Imagine how annoying it would be if we started doing this with every word that contained more than one syllable. We’d have president Obam in office, you’d be driving a Chevro which you’d fuel with gaso, and instead of watching the Super Bowl, you’d be watching the Super. Stop this bullshit now or else we’ll all be staring at building superintendents maintaining housing projects instead of the NFL. On the other hand, that might not be so bad because I hate Michael Vick more than life itself and Tom Brady is an insufferable prick. I complain all the time too, so why don’t I get to bang Giselle Bundchen?
Here’s another thing that I hate – people constantly claiming to be nerds and saying that they find nerds to be attractive. Yes, I know Maddox just did a post about this topic, but I was already bitching about this a year ago when I did a review of the 2011 Victoria’s Secret Fashion show, otherwise known as Censored Ass Night. Speaking of Censored Ass Night, quite a few people wrote to me from the old Preserve the 80s site and said they were planning on e-mailing my article to Victoria’s Secret. You will notice this year that the asses were not blurred out. Is it a coincidence? Almost definitely, but I like to feel more important than I actually am so I try to convince myself it was my doing. Whatever the case, they allowed Justin Bieber to perform at the VS fashion show this year, and that cancels out any positives.
Getting back to the topic at hand, if you’re physically fit, good looking, athletic, have an extensive social life, and don’t have any bizarre narrow interests then you’re not a nerd. Also, when you exclusively date asshole guys with money who have all of the above traits, then you don’t find nerds sexy, so stop saying that you do. Until I’m sitting here in the cellar of my parents’ house with my beer gut, collection of 80s tv commercial DVDs, and 20 year old McDonald’s wrappers having to fend off starlets and supermodels with a pointy stick, I refuse to believe that myth. It’s just what’s in right now, so people say it. Why can’t any trends ever be worthwhile? The only exception to this is the rising popularity of leggings, which give this particular ass enthusiast a shell of a reason to stay alive.
I’d write some more here, but there’s more to this topic than can be contained in one post and my blood pressure is getting too high already just from thinking about all this bullshit. There will probably be an equally useless sequel to this one day, but right now I have to go and pick up a new toothbrush and probably have to deal with every last one of the things I just wrote about in the process.