Archive for September, 2012

I hate “How I Met Your Mother”

September 19th, 2012

With the exception of Bizarre Foods, there are very few shows left on tv that are worth watching. Watching the shit that’s put out on the airwaves is still a distraction that beats having to talk to friends/family or realizing just how much your life sucks and that the world is shitting on you like a German porn star. However, some shows are even worse than those alternatives, and How I Met Your Mother is by far the worst of them.

I hate it when people abbreviate it as HIMYM. That has to be the most awkward sequence of letters of all time. Of course, reading that acronym is like diving head first into an olympic-sized swimming pool filled with lesbians and beer when compared to actually watching the show. I wish I hadn’t just typed that. I have access to neither beer nor lesbians at this particular moment and now I’m deeply saddened. I don’t really need the pool though, so I guess I’m ok.

Getting back to the point, How I Met Your Mother is the most annoying show ever conceived. I’ve never watched a second of it aside from commercials and I already hate it more than anything else that’s ever been on tv. I don’t know any of the characters’ names, so you’ll just have to either deal with my vague descriptions of them or leave this article and read one of my other meaningless rambles. Either that or just go out and do what people who actually have lives do. Shit if I know what that would entail.

The main character (guy with blonde hair who played Dougie Houser) is worse than a jock strap filled with fire ants. There’s this commercial on right now for the show where they keep having him say all of his catch phrases and each one is more grating than the one before it. His high pitched “awesooooome” and “what up” are by far the worst of them all though. Whoever wrote those lines for him should be decapitated. One of the other phrases they kept having him say in the commercial was “suit up”. I have no idea what that might mean within the context of the show, but as the Tourette’s Guy would say, I don’t give a dead moose’s last shit. I wish they’d have him “suit up” in copper wiring and throw him into the nearest river.

I also hate Alyson Hannigan’s character. When I was in high school and college, I used to watch Buffy the Vampire Slayer with the tv muted because I hated the show but greatly enjoyed the hot female cast. Some of the greatest moments came in later seasons when Willow (Hannigan’s character on Buffy) came out as a lesbian and started having softcore lesbian scenes with that other girl. Wow, for some reason I’m really fixated on lesbians tonight.

Anyway, from what I gather from the commercials, she has some douche bag husband/boyfriend on the show and blending in with all the other assholes on this show depletes her hotness and sullies the positive memories I have of her earlier days. It’s kind of like how you spend your earliest years seeing your grandfather competent and active but then spend the later years watching him sit around in Depends. It’s sad.

There’s another character on the show whose name I don’t know who always hangs out with the annoying blonde haired main character guy. He reminds me of an adult version of this kid I went to elementary school with who was the most obnoxious little douchebag I’ve ever met.

Making How I Met Your Mother all the more annoying is how beloved it seems to be by everyone in my generation other than myself. This show is like what you’d get if The Office produced offspring with Friends, and then failed in an attempt at a back alley abortion. Speaking of abortions, I wish could get a guest role on the show and do an episode where I go back in time and meet all of the characters’ mothers then give them the old coat hanger special. Then they’d change the title to How I Prevented You From Having to Watch Another Bullshit TV Show.

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