Archive for August, 2012

I wasn’t planning on doing any more annoying 2012 commercials posts but…

August 23rd, 2012

I just can’t let these bullshit commercials slide. They need to be called out for the embarrassing abominations that they are. Sometimes I think that advertisers these days aren’t even trying to make money, they’re just trying to piss us all off. Maybe they were bullied too much in school or maybe they’re all chronically impotent. Whatever it is, there’s some real anger and resentment brewing in their sick minds and they’re taking it all out on us. Anyway, let’s just get on with this review of the most annoying and embarrassing commercials on tv today.

AT&T “U-Verse” Commercial

This one is quite possibly my most hated commercial of all time. Yeah, I know I say that about at least one of the commercials in every post, but trust me, this one is the worst of them all. I’m sure you’ve seen this one by now. It’s for AT&T’s U-Verse and it seems like it’s been on tv for about sixty years now. I hate how everything is being bundled these days. Phone, tv, and internet all in one package. Maybe it’s convenient only paying one bill, but when a company takes over too many industries and becomes the only game in town, you won’t be able to do anything about it once it begins to suck. This is part of why anti-trust laws came about but nobody seems to care about those anymore. Shit, my blood pressure is already going up and I haven’t even started talking about the commercial yet.

This commercial starts out with some dumbass from a cable company making a presentation for Career Day in some school. Career Day never happens in real life. It’s just some bullshit plot device used for TV. The cable guy starts talking in his drably annoying voice until some little shit in a purple sweater pipes up and starts talking about U-Verse and how they can bundle cell phones into their packages. The cable guy then claims that nobody can do that and little miss bitch then says “Mom says AT&T does. soooo…” As she says this, she says “soooo” with the most annoying inflection I’ve ever heard and with the snottiest look on her face I’ve ever seen in my life. Every time I see this little piece of crotch rot and hear her hellish voice it’s like having my balls run over by a convoy of tanks.

Feeling panicked, the cable guy then desperately interjects “but I bring TV to YOU”. At this point, the hot teacher starts talking about U-Verse and all the stupid shit that it entails and some other little bastard looks at her and dreamily says, “Miss Jones has U-Verse”. That poor kid has a shitty life ahead of him. Anyone whose sexuality centers around telecommunications packages is going to be alone for life and will probably find themselves receiving several lifetime bannings from call centers and power stations.

Also, why do they have to call the teacher Miss Jones? She’s very obviously Asian and since it’s Miss and not Ms or Mrs, she’s single. This means she’s been a Jones since childhood, despite the fact that she is clearly not of the Anglo-Saxon persuasion. But that’s ok AT&T. We know all Asian people in the United States are adopted. These presumptuous assholes make my Mongolian blood boil.

*Note: I’m sorry about the poor quality of the video above, the original video was made private so I had to substitute this one in place of it. Not that anything about this commercial had any quality to begin with.

The “One and Only Cheerios” Commercials

This next one is by special request, though even if it wasn’t, I’d still include it anyway as it is the most irritating non-AT&T commercial that’s presently on the airwaves. Actually it’s not so much one commercial, but rather a series of them. Lately, Cheerios has been making all these ads in which they show disturbingly generic looking people with their ugly ass babies. Babies aren’t cute. They almost always look like little shriveled old people and they shit themselves and almost never stop crying.

These commercials always show these stupid little bastards who have no idea what’s going on sitting at their high chairs with Cheerios spread around on the trays. Sometimes they’ll have another kid come in and swipe them and other times they’ll just have the parents standing around in awe as if staring at tiny pieces of a shitty grain-based cereal with their offspring is the most magical experience one could ever have.

Other times they don’t include the kids and just show couples bonding over Cheerios. There were a ton of commercials to choose from, so I decided to show you this one which touches on most of the elements.

The worst part of all of these commercials is the background vocals. They’re performed in a voice that makes you feel like something is invading your immune system and completely destroying you from the inside out. The singer is gushing her most deeply felt feelings for Cheerios and operating under the assumption that they alone are what keeps families together and keeps humanity running.

I hate the “Oh Oh Ohs” but the worst line is at the end with “The one and only Cheerios”. I guess if you get a generic o-shaped grain cereal it just won’t have the same effect. Only a bland and flavorless General Mills product has the ability to make our interpersonal relationships meaningful. I guess my consumption of non-General Mills cereals is the reason why I just can’t get my shit together in life and don’t have a wife or girlfriend.

Alienation has become a pretty common theme in our modern day society. Most marriages end in divorce now and everyone hates everyone else. Some other cereal should try to be the official cereal of alienation, only with cold hard reality rather than this sappy Cheerios bullshit. I’d suggest Corn Pops. Only people who are miserable and alone eat those. I know, as it’s the most common cereal that I consume. Shit, that’d be a cash cow. People want to see commercials they can relate to after all. Maybe I should contact Post with my idea and I’ll finally break the $20,000 income in one year barrier. It’s only taken me 29 years.

Annoying Honda Pilot “Road Trip” Commercial

Another commercial that I really fucking hate is for the Honda Pilot. It starts out with a car full of people driving along some road out in the middle of East-Ass-Fucking-Nowhere. Everyone looks dull and tired, until one little asswipe who looks like one of the Children of the Corn starts singing “bum bum. bum bum, bum bum, bum bum”. Then some little bitch next to him sings “ay ay ay” and before long every last damned soul in the car starts singing. Pay close attention when it starts… the black kid next to the pale faced albino just looks down to the ground and is absolutely distraught. He knows what’s coming.

There’s not too much else to say about this commercial, since I’ve already pretty much described the whole thing. Just watch it and you’ll see why I hate it. Just to be a dick, I’m going to post an extended cut. The fact that someone actually made an extended version of this commercial proves that humanity is nothing more than a failed experiment.

1-877-KARS4KIDS Radio Commercial

The last commercial I’ll mention in this post is actually a radio commercial and not a TV commercial. If you don’t happen to live in New England or the New York/New Jersey area you’ve probably never heard this one before, but it’s time for you to be as miserable as the rest of us. This particular commercial is the 1-877-KARS FOR KIDS commercial. It just has the same refrain sung the whole time. The first time through it’s by some little runt with a voice high enough to shatter bricks and then the second time some guy who sounds really fat and tired sings it. At the end, they both sing it together.

Supposedly, the goal of this commercial is to get people to donate their unneeded cars to help kids with cancer. That’s a noble thing to do, but this commercial goes about it in the complete wrong way. You don’t annoy people into being generous.  This commercial is like going over to your friend’s house, smacking his girlfriend’s ass, taking a piss on his bed, running his laptop through the microwave, and then asking him to give you a ride to work. It’s utterly nonsensical. If you actually do want to help with this organization, I suggest visiting the Official Kars for Kids site to make a donation BEFORE playing the commercial below.

Play this video. I don’t know you, but nobody is without sin. I’m sure you’ve done something horrible enough in your life to deserve having to listen to this.

 

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I hate ketchup

August 14th, 2012

If there’s anything that should not be legal for human consumption (hell, I wouldn’t feed it to mosquitos) it’s ketchup. It’s offensive to all 5 senses. It looks bad, smells bad, tastes bad, feels bad, and even sounds bad coming out of the bottle/packet. Trust me on that one… or don’t. Listen carefully the next time the vile substance is making its way out of a container and you’ll see what I mean.

People always associate ketchup with America. I guess this is because we use it more in the country than anywhere else, but come on. It’s time to take back our national dignity and stop putting this shit on our food. I know every country has its embarrassing stereotypes, but this has to be the worst one. Please, do your part to make this one go away.

It’s a tragedy how many innocent and delicious foods are tainted and destroyed by the scourge of ketchup. Hot dogs, eggs, sandwiches, fish, chicken, and worst of all fries (which should only be garnished with salt and butter) are abused and destroyed daily. Every time I go to a restaurant it takes every ounce of restraint I have not to take everyone’s ketchup bottles away and destroy them. Either that, or deliver a heartfelt eulogy to the ruined foods.

Once I was on a blind date with a girl who didn’t speak very good English. My Spanish was much better back then than it is now, but it still wasn’t horribly fluent. She ordered eggs and toast and doused both in ketchup. As if this were not bad enough, she had a huge glass of milk and the eggs were covered in cheese. Milk and cheese are the only two substances on Earth more disgusting than ketchup. I had to avoid eye contact for the rest of the date and since I didn’t know how to express my phobias in Spanish, I had to just let her think I was some kind of basket case… which I am, but hating ketchup isn’t a part of it. Probably for the best though, as another date probably would have produced even worse horrors. Perhaps macaroni and cheese with ketchup.

The following is a list of things that I would rather have on my food than ketchup:

    • Paint
    • My own blood from a freshly slashed arm
    • Someone else’s blood
    • Cat vomit
    • That stuff that comes out of snails when they have sex
    • Battery acid
    • Melted children’s toys
    • Liquefied elephant tits
    • One of those hats people wore in the 50s that looked like crowns
    • Basically anything short of human feces/sexual fluids

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