Archive for July, 2012

How to use social media in 11 annoying steps

July 22nd, 2012

Social media is pretty big these days and unfortunately, it’s not going to go anywhere for quite a while. The difference between this and any other trend however is that participants can be infinitely more involved and active with this than with most any other fad in history. Therefore,  they have the opportunity to be infinitely more irritating with it. If you want to do your part to make this whole thing even worse than it already is and make the world a slightly more oppressive place to conduct our rather pointless existence, then read on to see how.

1. Be Mark Zuckerberg – Of all the greedy, annoying pricks in the world, Mark Fuckyouberg is near the top of the douche chain. He stole the whole idea for Facebook from his friends and then he goes to major business meetings in a hooded sweatshirt (or “hoodie”, a term I fucking hate) like he’s Mr Casual Badass and the new generation of big business leaders. I’m glad things fucked up so bad for him with the IPO, because this is a greedy bastard who just gets greedier with time. Businesses are starting to abandon Facebook as he’s making it harder and harder for them to make any of their posts/pictures seen without paying high prices that don’t really get results. Nobody’s string of luck lasts forever, no matter who they are. Some day shit will catch up to Zuckerberg and he’ll find himself wearing his precious “hoodie” to lunch at a soup kitchen. He shouldn’t be there long though, as he is the most perfect person on Earth to voice Kermit the Frog now that Jim Henson is dead. Whenever I hear him talk, I always except to see him throw his hands up in the air and do that screaming thing that Kermit always did.

Mark Zuckerberg sounds like Kermit the Frog

Yes, I know I did a horrible job with that picture, but Zuckerberg does not deserve any better.

2. Constantly Posting Shirtless Pictures (if you’re a guy that is)

When I’m going through my Facebook feed, the last thing I want to see is a bunch of guys without shirts who are still mentally stuck in their college days/trying to catch on as the next toxic waste bag to make it on to Jersey Shore. It’s one thing to have 1 or 2 such pictures, but most of the guys who do this have upwards of 20. These pictures are usually either taken at beaches or taken by insecure guys who work out all the time and have the need to constantly be complimented on their fitness since they have no other reason to justify their existence. In either case it’s annoying, disgusting, and something nobody wants to see. Cover up already Captain Roid Rage.

3. People Who Constantly Talk About Going to the Gym

This one ties in closely with the whole shirtless thing, but both men and women do this one all the time. It’s not enough to for some people to simply exercise. They have to be seen doing it and if they think you won’t see them, then they’ll tell you all about it. The funny thing is that most of the people who do this are already in decent shape and don’t need to be working out every second. Yes, I know that they may want to maintain their form, but last I knew, stretching and good hydration are much more efficient ways of priming your body for exercise than trying to let everyone in the world know you’re a gym rat.

4. “Liking” your own status

This one is like standing up and taking a bow to congratulate yourself after you take a shit. Just don’t do it.

5. Using Twitter in Any Way, Shape, or Form

Twitter is to social media what cancer is to any living organism. It spreads and spreads until it kills you, and that’s what Twitter is doing to any possible enjoyment social media could have provided. I fucking hate all of those bullshit hash tags that are included at the end of every “Tweet” and how everyone thinks they’re so bitingly witty with the dumbass 1-2 sentence lines of mucous they cough up every time they go online. The most annoying thing with Twitter is when people connect it to other forms of social media, because it makes it that much harder to avoid enraging Tweets from some douche you don’t care about. That and it spams up whatever account feed you’re viewing faster than a sped class valedictorian can rack up brightly colored smiley face stickers.

6. Chronicling Every Second of Your Kid’s Life

I understand that when someone produces offspring they’re excited and want to give their friends updates about it. That’s fine. What I’m talking about are the people who literally can’t go one hour without some meaningless babble about their kid that nobody on Earth would ever find interesting. Here’s a hypothetical example:

9am: “Madison just looked at a wall! OMG what a little miracle she is!!!!”

9:15am: “Madison was breathing during the news! Do you think that means she wants to be the next Barbara Walters???”

10am:“I just took Madison to the grocery store for the first time and she frowned at the cashier. Total Diva!”

10:15am: “I unpacked some carrots and Madison stuck her hand out! I guess she’s turning into a little bunny rabbit :)”

And so on. You get the point. Also, why are people giving their kids such irksome names these days? There’s being original and then there’s just plain being stupid. I’m sure your kid will thank you in 12 years when they start jr high school and are getting their ass kicked every day in the gym locker room.

7. Constantly Sending Out Game Requests

I’ve never played a game on any social media platform and I never plan to. Despite this, every day I probably get about 25 or so requests asking me to join mafias, work on a farm, or some other such nonsense. When I want to play a game, I’ll round up some Cuban girls and play butt bongo a la Howard Stern. As a pudgy  28 year old guy with no money who still lives at home I’ll  probably never be able to do that, so fuck games.

8. Incessant “Love My Life” Statuses

It’s nice to hear about something going well in a person’s life, but when they keep bragging about the same fucking thing over and over again, it’s beyond annoying. Okay, so you love your life. Prove it by actually going out there and living it instead of bragging to the rest of us all day.

9.  Lack of Ass Shots

As you already know, I’m an assman. Girls frequently post quasi-sexual and revealing pictures to Facebook, but it’s always from the front. Don’t get me wrong, I certainly love a nice rack, but you’re depriving all the ass men out there of the view. Is it that hard to put the camera on auto-capture and turn around once every year or so?

Facebook needs more ass shots

In a perfect world, this is what all Facebook pictures would be.

Wow, I’m pathetic.

10.  Posting health nazi materials

The evil bastards who write up that propaganda don’t need any help.

11. Using Somebody’s LinkedIn Account to Evaluate Them as a Job Candidate

This is another step toward companies not caring about hard work and being more interested in how “fun” somebody might be. There are several more important attributes a potential employee has than their ability to win some kind of non-existent popularity contest. As long as we keep glorifying lazy assholes who never do anything that’s not entertainment and shun more serious people who are willing to roll up their sleeves and put in a solid day’s work, our economy will not improve, no matter who is in office.

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