Boston Market is pointless

May 30th, 2012

Why does anyone go to Boston Market? The whole concept on which they are based is self-defeating. If you want a home style meal, shouldn’t you be eating at home? Going out to a restaurant for a home style dinner is like living in Brooklyn but hopping on a plane to the Denver Airport and eating at their Sbarro when you have a hankering for New York style pizza. It’s utterly nonsensical.

Also, I don’t really understand why they identify themselves as a home cooking type of establishment. I only went to Boston Market once, and that was in 1995. Everything they served smelled, looked, and tasted like the kind of food they serve in hospital cafeterias. If you happen to live in a hospital, I guess it would count as a homestyle dinner, but for anyone else, it’s just shitty food. Then again, if you live in a hospital, you’re probably either in very poor health or mentally ill. In either case, you aren’t very likely to have the chance to leave and go to Boston Market, so their one opportunity to fit the bill they’ve given themselves is moot.

Back in 1995 when I went to Boston Market, they were still calling themselves Boston Chicken. They should still be doing that now. They still primarily serve chicken and chicken based meals. They’re not a grocery store, they’re not a department store, and (as far as I know) you can’t go in there and buy anything except their shitty hospital-esque food. That’s a restaurant, not a market. Maybe I should start doing the same thing. From now on, this site won’t be called Preserve the 80s – it’s going to be called Advanced Wind Surfing Instruction for Infants. See? It just doesn’t work, nor should it. Go back to calling yourselves Boston Chicken.

As if their food, and I use that term loosely, wasn’t bad enough, they also have to put out some of the worst commercials ever to hit the airwaves. There’s this new one that’s on now where some nervous white guy is at a table with a borderline attractive woman and a black guy with big pointy hair. Why do all commercials with black people in them have to show them with Sideshow Bob style hairdos that nobody, regardless of race, has in real life? It’s just like how almost all white people on commercials are hipsters, even though I’ve never once encountered a single hipster in person.

Getting back to the commercial, the nervous guy darts his eyes around and keeps saying, “Are you going to eat that?” to his dining companions. You’ll notice that as he does this, he hasn’t eaten anything on his own plate. At one point, he asks the borderline attractive woman if she’s going to eat her repulsive macaroni and cheese. In response, she sticks it into her mouth (negating her attractiveness in the process) and scrapes the fork against her teeth. I hate that sound. It had to have been added in, or at the very least amplified, as it naturally would not have been that audible. It’s a very grating kind of sound, so you would think they would want to remove it. Then again, that’s just what makes Boston Market Boston Market.

After this, they stop showing the three diners for a while and talk about something else. Then they focus back on them again and the nervous guy finally starts eating, and the woman, turning the world upside down, asks if he’s going to eat his plate. If you pay close attention, you’ll notice that as the guy is eating, he looks absolutely miserable and seems to be fighting back tears. That seems par for the course.

I guess the real irony in this commercial comes in the fact that it everyone in it seems to hate each other and just sort of seem to be stuck together. This is the only factor that in any way resembles a true home style dinner.

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