Stop the 90s nostalgia. Now.

May 11th, 2012

Lately, I’ve been hearing people go on and on about how great the 90s were wherever I go. The first time I heard it, I figured it had to be a joke, but then it just kept happening until I realized that for some reason, people legitimately do miss that poor excuse for a decade.

Granted, things in the 90s were better than they are now, but they still sucked ass. Missing the 90s today is the equivalent of an amputee fondly recalling the days when his leg was useless, withered, and consumed by gangrene rather than reflecting on the days when it was healthy and functional.

In fact, the 90s were what gave rise to my love of the 80s. Like any other rotten little bastard from hell (ie anyone below the age of 18) I didn’t appreciate a good thing when I had it and wasn’t concerned when the 80s came to a close. I can remember watching the ball drop and the second the 90s began and actually being excited for it. It was kind of like spending months looking forward to your bachelor party, only to have it come and be treated to a 45 year old obese toothless stripper, O’Doul’s, and reduced fat ham.

90s music flat out sucked ass. We mainly just had a litany of bullshit rap and r&b acts that made me envy the deaf and music videos that made me envy the blind. Then there was the grunge scene and in it, Nirvana, the most overrated band of all time. I wouldn’t go as far as to say that Nirvana sucked, since they were easily one of the best bands of the 90s. That’s not really saying too much though. It’s kind of like winning the prize for being the hottest ugly person.

However, Kurt Cobain wasn’t this immortal tortured genius that the world makes him out to be. He was just a guy who played guitar, moped around, enjoyed cross-dressing, fucked Courtney Love, and killed himself. Apart from the suicide, he was just like anyone else in America. If he was really this deep, complex soul who couldn’t stand the concept of “selling out” then he never would have left his garage to begin with.

Then there was 90s Internet, which for most of us meant a dial-up connection. Do you remember having to wait 45 minutes to download 30 second porn clips? Yeah, that was really fun. Not to mention the fact that they usually had a poorer visual quality than what you’d see if you had cataracts, were blindfolded, and held underwater.

The 90s were also the decade that served as the downfall of commercials. Commercials from around 1990-1992 are ok, but there was a gradual yet steady drop in the quality of commercials throughout the 90s that saw them starting out nearly as good as 80s commercials and ending up pretty much equally shitty to the ones that are on tv now. Think I’m bullshitting you? Take a look at the 2 following clips, one from 1990 and the other from 1999.

In the first clip, we meet Calvin, a kid who is bettering himself by getting a job in the most noble profession on Earth – supplying people with burgers. It’s turning him around and making him into a responsible member of the community. Now watch the 2nd clip. It shows some douche sitting around and bragging about his wealth, even though there’s nobody around to listen. I want to kill this man and so do you, and therein you can see the deterioration in the quality of commercials.

At the beginning of the 90s, they featured likable characters you could root for. By the end of the 90s, as is also the case here in 2012, every commercial actor/actress was such an asshole it would ruin your day just to see them. These days, poor Calvin is probably dead, having taken the high road and deciding to kill himself rather than help advance the whole “McCafe” horseshit.

90s tv sucked too. When I think of 90s television, I remember such unwatchable drivel as Full House, Home Improvement, Friends, Seinfeld, Phenom, Dr Quinn Medicine Woman (which my mother forced me to watch EVERY Saturday night), 704 Hauser St, Step By Step, NYPD Blue, the Commish, and so on. There were also a lot of shitty kids’ shows that were on back then too that everyone in my generation has sand in their vaginas about not being able to watch anymore. I didn’t have cable until the later 90s, but friends and kids in my neighborhood did and I’d get stuck watching annoying Nickelodeon shows with them like Doug, Rugrats, and a whole slew of others, the names of which I can’t recall. The one I hated the most was one that was about beavers or something. You probably know what I’m talking about. If you don’t, you’re a lucky bastard.

One thing that was really annoying that I remember from the 90s was how “90s” was used in so many catchphrases. There was “It’s the 90s!”, “90s kind of guy/girl”, “life in the 90s” and anything else that the name of a decade could be added to. I hated it. Even all these years later, we still haven’t managed to stop the bleeding. Aside from the speed and availability of porn, every single one of these issues is in even worse of a state now than it was back then.

Truth be told, we all should’ve just killed ourselves on December 31, 1989 at 11:59pm since the 80s were the pinnacle of being and it was impossible that we could have gone any direction but down once they had ended.

If you happen to be one of the 4 or 5 people who will see this article, think twice before the next time you say something about how much you miss the 90s. Remember how much they sucked and then punch yourself in the face for even having that thought. It’ll be the first step on the road to your recovery.

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