Archive for April, 2012

A window into the mind of one screwy little bastard

April 24th, 2012

When I was 8 years old, I frequently found myself being sent to the school counselor. After taking a look at some old elementary school papers I’d written that were saved for God knows why, I now see why I was such a fixture there. Included below for your approval are just three of the rather bizarre literary works I produced in 2nd grade, with spelling mistakes and other errors intact.

1. The Chicken McNugget Festivle

One day Jane-Wane and Stewart were going to Denny’s by the highway. The Chicken McNugget Festivle was going to happen. It was sponsored every year on October 20th in honer of Jane-Wane and Stewart. It wasn’t their birthdays, they are just plane spoiled!

When they got there Jane-Wane dived into the food. Eggs everywhere, chicken everywhere, mayonase everywhere! Jane-Wane was tied to the Denny’s sign. Everyone feasted, Stewart and all.

It is 1:00, the time when the Chicken McNuggets go to the leaves! When the Chicken McNuggets were released, Jane-Wane got free but she was too late. The Chicken McNuggets had put on tubes and jump in the river. “Oh no!” said Stewart. “We must not let them get away!” yelled Jane-Wane. “Too bad” said Stewart “We will probbably miss them next time.”

When they got home, it was supper time because they spent all afternoon looking at signs. They wanted Chef Boyardy meals so they picked up cans and sat on the burners. Stewart and Jane-Wane stayed on the burners for 11 seconds then jumped off because they were hot. Jane-Wane saw that the burner put red checkers on her dress. “What perfect fashin to eat my Chicken McNuggets in!” yelled Jane-Wane. Stewart’s pants had a red square. Hooray he hollered. The End

2. The Canadians

The Canadians are very fat and dirty. All four of them live in a hut. Canadian Max is the fattest. Canadian Joe is the dirtyest. Canadian Mike is the most annoying. Canadian Mack smells the worse. The hut is in a pine forrest and they live there with their yack.

Every year on New Year’s Eve, one of the Canadians drives the van to town to get lard. This year is Canadian Max’s turn. Canadian Max went to the store and when he came home he covered the floor in lard and said “Hey guys! Lard!”

SMACK! Canadian Joe jumped down into the lard from the loft. SMASH! Candian Mike jumped into the lard through the window. BASH! Canadian Mack slid into the lard from the table. BING! Canadian Max hurled himself down into the lard.

The next day, after a breakfest of beer, flies, and vests, all of the Canadians went into the van. They drove around. They got out of the van with their chainsaws and started to saw down houses. One man in a house yelled “What are you doing?” Canadian Mack said, “I’m sawing down your house, what do you think?”
The End

Wally the Waffle

One day Wally the Waffle was cross. He didn’t like it that the Dent family kept cooking and eating all of his frends. “Waffles don’t deserve this, it’s sad and it hurts.” said Wally. Then Wally had an idea! He would have a meeting with all of the other waffles in the Dent house.

On Friday when Mr and Mrs Dent were at work and Ted was at school, the meeting started. Wally was worried because only six waffles were there. That means sombody didn’t come. “Where is Ed?” asked Wally. “Ted ate him for breakfest this morning” said Henrietta. “Oh no! This has to stop. We need to get back at the Dents. It is their time to burn! I’ll tell you how” said Wally.

The waffles made their plan and went into action. They moved all of the numbers and stickers around and turned the burners on so the Dents wouldn’t know if they were hot. Then they stole the fangs from Ted’s Haloween costuem so they could bite the Dents.

The Dents came home and wanted to have Jiffy Pop. They all went to the stove and burned their hands. “Ow!” They all screamed. Wally and his friends then rolled into the kitchen and began to jump on the Dents and biting them as they yelled in pain. “This is how it should be! Now you know how we feel!” said Wally.

“We’re sorry” said Ted. We didn’t know you could feel things. “Well we can” said the waffles. The Dents never ate waffles again and Wally and his friends helped fix the burners. Everyone felt normal.
The End

Posted in Uncategorized | Comments (0)

Well somehow I haven’t gotten myself killed yet

April 17th, 2012

Happy 3rd birthday Preserve the 80s.

Posted in Uncategorized | Comments (0)