Archive for March, 2012

The ten most useless people in America

March 17th, 2012

Greetings once again loyal readers of Preserve the 80s. As you may remember, I fairly recently wrote an article entitled The Top Ten Greatest Americans Alive Today. If you had enough spare time on your hands to waste and read it, you’ll remember that it pretty much just lived up to its name. I droned on about how such living legends as Wilford Brimley and Vida Guerra are out there donating their services every day to make the world a slightly less miserable place. This article, as its name would imply, is going to do the reverse. Now that I’ve given you this painfully obvious explanation that really wasn’t needed, I’ll get started in giving credit where credit is douche and share with you the ten most worthless people our country has to offer.

George Clooney is a douche10.  George Clooney (Image courtesy of Dystopian Cliche) – George Clooney is an annoying asshole who never provided the world with anything that a yak with IBS could not. For some reason, women go crazy over him, even though he looks more like he should be the lead man in a Depends commercial than a Hollywood leading man.  He’s also one of the most smug people on the planet. He’s the leading cause of smug you know, which is much more poisonous and permeating than smog. Clooney has to be the dumbest last name of all time. If your last name is Clooney and you don’t either legally change it, the penalty should be a sentence of 35 years to a closet listening to Enya. As a side note, douche is not spelled wrong in his picture. Click the image to see it in full size, intact with the ever important e.

Herpes Incorporated9. Anybody on Jersey Shore – It says a lot about how far our society has fallen when a group of disease ridden drunken sluts and man-whores are able to become millionaires just by being their worthless selves. Any of us who work real jobs have to feel a little suicidal when we work our asses off for chump change while knowing there are people out there who are making enough money to buy and sell us just to get drunk and fuck. Besides, anyone who calls themself “Snooki” or “The Situation” is better off taking a cyanide pill anyway.

Eric Devendouche8. Eric Devendorf – 99% of the world probably doesn’t know who he is, so if you’re not someone who watches Big East basketball, I’ll fill you in on the details. Eric Devendorf was a douchebag who played for Syracuse from 2005-2009 and led the NCAA in unlikability  each season. I don’t think “unlikability” is really a word, but who gives a fuck. When he wasn’t standing on tables and pounding his chest like a retarded gorilla after making a shot that he failed to get off before time ended, he liked to spend his college days smacking around his girlfriend, being a general prickbag, and getting his ass bailed out time and time again by slick Jimmy Boeheim.  He entered the NBA draft and failed to get picked by a team, then ended up playing in New Zealand briefly before getting in trouble with some cops after a bar fight and subsequently released from his team. Last I knew, he was playing somewhere in the D-League with about as much chance to make the NBA as Sally Struthers.

Jennifer Aniston is a narcissistic bitch7. Jennifer Aniston – If there were ever a person who needed to just shut the fuck up and get over themselves, it’s Jennifer Aniston. Every time she has the slightest disappointment, she’s out there crying and whining about it and is on the cover of every magazine. Just once, I’d like to be able to go to the checkout counter in a grocery store and not see 20 magazines with her on the cover or people talking about this “Team Jennifer” bullshit. Nobody ever cares when I go through a breakup, nobody cares if you don’t get to have a fucking baby, and nobody is whining when your ex is dating someone else 8 years after breaking up with you. The only reason that Jennifer Aniston is ranked at the 7th most worthless and not even higher is that her nude shot on the cover of Esquire back in 1993 (when she was still hot) made waiting in the barbershop more enjoyable for my 10 year old self.

6. Me –  (Image not included since some of you may be trying to eat while you read this) I pretty much have to put myself on this list or else I’d be quite the hypocrite. I’m 28, live with my parents, don’t make a living wage, have man tits, and the closest thing I have to a girlfriend at the moment is the baconator. Yeah, I suck ass from a straw.

Sasha Cohen is the most annoying prick on earth5. Sasha Cohen – I fucking hate this guy. Rather than rehash everything I’ve already said about him on this site, I’ll just leave you with my two previous anti-Cohen rants. Read them, they’ll help pass the time:  First Sasha Cohen Sucks Ass Article   Second Sasha Cohen Sucks Ass Article

Rush Limbaugh - Retard Extraordinaire4. Rush Limbaugh – Pictured here blowing more smoke up your ass, Rush Limbaugh is either an incredibly stupid douchebag or a thinly vailed semi-intelligent douchebag who is just acting. I’m much more inclined to go with the first one though, as you can’t fake the kind of shit he spews out. I can’t think of any person throughout history who has done more to damage their own cause. Limbaugh is the kind of guy who gives conservatives a bad name, and yet many conservatives still worship the ground that this ass hat walks on. He’s the equivalent of a pitcher who hits every batter that comes to the plate and makes the opposing team win without having to do anything. With guys like him and the conservative lemmings who support him, it’s no wonder why America voted in a clown like Obama. Speaking of the Obama, that brings us to #3.

Shut up Michelle Obama, you're not important3. Michelle Obama – She may be married to a president, but that alone doesn’t make a person important. She’s an attention whore to the tenth degree and I’m sick as all hell of her, her annoying voice, and her health nazi ways. Based on her appearance and the fact that she can’t even get her own husband to stop smoking, I can’t really imagine that she truly believes in half the shit she says. She just knows that health nazism is the flavor of the month and figures that by yapping about it non-stop she’ll be seen as some kind of national hero championing a great cause. Even so, it’s not like she’s hitting new territory. Everyone is talking everyone else’s ass off about health these days, so she’s not doing anything that hasn’t already been done. It’s the equivalent of flicking a Bic and then acting like you’re the one who first discovered fire. Basically the one and only thing that I like about Barack Obama is the fact that he eats at Five Guys. I hope the next time he goes there, he brings back an extra burger to cram in his wife’s mouth so she’ll shut up for once.

I hate David Letterman2. David Letterman – As is the case with Sasha Cohen, I’ve pretty much already pointed out all the reasons why David Letterman is an asshole in a previous post. When it comes to being douche though, David Letterman is like Sasha Cohen squared, not only because he’s been around for much longer, but also because in addition to being annoying and unfunny, he has an ego bigger than Jennifer Lopez’s ass. I almost said Vida Guerra’s ass, but I didn’t want to taint her hotness by using her in that sentence.

Michael Vick should be in prison1. Michael Vick – Michael Vick is not only the most worthless person in America, but one of the most disgusting, evil, and abhorrent people in the universe. I have nothing but respect for the Atlanta Falcons for canning his ass and nothing but disrespect for the Philadelphia Eagles for giving this guy the 2nd chance that he did not deserve. The guy was already a multi millionaire, but for more money and his own sick fun, he ran a dog fighting ring which resulted in the injury, mutilation, and death of countless dogs. The man is a murderer and should be rotting in prison for the rest of his life. Instead, he’s out there playing football, making millions, and banging supermodels. I hope next season he’ll take a hit that breaks every bone in his body and when he’s down on the field, every spectator comes down and rapes his ass with machetes.

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Haikus to live by

March 11th, 2012

When you have breakfast

Don’t put milk in cereal

It is just plain wrong


Vida Guerra’s ass

Is proof that God loves us all

Cuba’s best export


You know what I hate?

Blowing on babies’ stomachs

Grounds for homicide


Don’t buy kids iPhones

They’ll grow up to be assholes

Just like mom and dad


Fuck off health nazis

Baconators forever

Fat pride – Recognize


Never wear boyshorts

Thongs are far superior

For displaying ass


Relish my relish

You are now 18 years young

Here’s to 18 more


Two and a half men

Ashton Kutcher is a douche

Please cancel this shit


Michelle Obama

Please shut up and go away

Queen of health nazis


This is what I do

When I have no ideas

Sorry for this post

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