Archive for February, 2012

What a surprise…

February 12th, 2012

A few days ago, I was either watching TV or some video online and a commercial was playing for a movie that looked shittier than the NYC septic system. It seemed that this movie was about some dictator from a foreign country (I guess the title The Dictator made that a little obvious) and centered upon the dictator’s wacky misadventures and annoying behavior.

As the commercial wore on, the whole thing started to feel more and more familiar – sort of what I imagine a recurring herpes attack feels like for a veteran herpes sufferer. Then it hit me, I knew where I’d seen this kind of pathetic and annoying acting before – in Bruno and in Borat. Sure enough, as soon as I had completed this thought, it was revealed that Sasha Cohen was starring in and directing this steaming pile of slug shit.

I Hate Sasha Cohen

Isn’t it enough that this douche has already put out two movies where he played the same character and used all the same jokes, with only the titles being the different? I was pissed off enough when Bruno came out but now it seems there’s a trilogy of worthlessness upon us. Please don’t waste your money on this bullshit, it’ll only encourage Cohen further and inspire him to make the same movie for a fourth time.

Sasha Cohen is like that unfunny drunk you run into at every party who never shuts the fuck up and never gets out of your face. He’s like a hammer made of petrified jizz rags eternally nailing you in the brain until you’ve completely lost any sense of humor or for that matter, any will to live.

I also hate the way he always uses his middle name. Sasha Baron Cohen is the shittiest name anyone has ever had, bar none. Maybe he thinks just Sasha by itself sounds a little too effeminate. Instead of including his middle name, maybe he should just stop wearing mankinis and stop t-bagging Eminem if he wants to restore his masculinity. He’s not the only celebrity to do the middle name thing. Lots of them do it and it’s really fucking annoying for some reason. Some of the other offenders are Jennifer Love Hewitt, Jonathan Taylor Thomas (who in and of himself made the 90s unlivable), Sarah Michelle Gellar, Jennifer Jason Leigh, and several others who I don’t feel like bothering to remember at the moment.

Nobody uses all 3 names in real life, so why do these dumbass celebrities think they have to do it? It doesn’t make their names any more catchy nor does it make their weak acting skills and insufferable personalities any easier to bear. Sarah Michelle Gellar gets a pass though, because when you’re as hot as she is, you can get away with pretty much anything.

Getting back to the main topic, Sasha Cohen blows. His arrogance knows no bounds. I can’t figure out how he manages to sleep at night after making the same exact shit movies time after time and raping people’s wallets to see them. Movie theater employees should shoot anyone who buys a ticket to The Dictator. Not only would this help to prevent Cohen from making another film, but the intense pain and arduous road to recovery provided by the shootings would by no doubt bring infinitely more happiness and laughs to the victims than watching any Sasha Cohen movie ever could.

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