First off, I’d like to wish you all a tolerable New Year. Now that that’s out of the way, I shall address the topic of this post, which if you somehow managed to get here without seeing the title concerns the most annoying commercials that are currently on television. I know I’ve done a lot of bitching about commercials on here already, but asswipe ad creators seem to always be one-upping each other in suckassitude, and therefore I’m yet again writing up an annoying commercials tirade post.
The first commercial on the shit list is the “Dance Cooking” commercial for Bounty paper towels. This commercial combines three of my least favorite things: dancing, kids, and spilled liquids. It starts out with these two annoying little shits clumsily flopping around the kitchen to music as they wave spoons around and stir unidentifiable substances in bowls. All is well, happy, and serene as their mother looks at them with a look of intolerable smugness although the father has the classic “why the hell didn’t I get a vasectomy before it was too late?” look. It’s an unmistakable expression. I saw it on my father’s face every day of my childhood, and rightly so.
Update: You can’t see the video anymore, since it was made private. It’s not available anywhere else, so you don’t have to see it. You’re a lucky son of a bitch.
Anyway, one of the daughters eventually bumps into a glass and spills some kind of juice onto the counter. The kids just kind of gape at it in shock and Mr NoSnip looks like he wants to die. That’s when the smug mother snaps into action and blows our collective minds by showing she can wipe up the spill with just one sheet of Bounty paper towels.
I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to saying why I hate this commercial. Kids should be permitted to dance under absolutely no circumstance. I hate the looks on those little brats’ faces. So happy and secure with themselves as they dash around like retarded monkeys to shitty music. If your kids are going to be that careless when they’re cooking, then you shouldn’t let them cook. I wouldn’t trust them with an EZ Bake Oven, let alone actual cooking supplies. The whole commercial is like some kind of a pro-abortion PSA. Maybe in the next Bounty commercial the mother will have a miscarriage and wipe it up with just one sheet of paper towels. This time it’ll be the father who dances for joy.
This commercial has since been removed from YouTube. I’ll repost it if it ever comes back up.
Annoying commercial #2 is yet another one from Geico. Not satisfied with the irritating commercials they created that I mentioned in my annoying insurance commercials post, Geico had to raise the shit bar and scrap the Gecko in favor of the mother fucking annoying screaming pig. I hate the Geico pig more than pretty much anything else on this planet, and that even includes the health nazis. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, click the previous link or if you’re too lazy to go up and do that, (hell, I probably would be) watch the embedded video below.
Every time that fucking pig says “wee-wee-weeee” I feel like I’m being gang-raped in every orifice with thorn encrusted dildos. It is the single most annoying and unpleasant sound I have ever heard. The worst thing about this commercial isn’t even the commercial itself – it’s the fact that this is a remake of an even more annoying commercial featuring the same abhorrent little porker (the one where he’s being driven home by some generic soccer mom). You’d think Geico would have gotten enough complaints over the first one, but apparently there are enough assholes out there who actually enjoyed it that they were inspired to make another one.
I also hate the way the pig waves those fucking pinwheels around the whole commercial. On an unrelated note, does anyone else out there remember the show Pinwheel? That show used to scare the living fuck out of me as a kid.
The third grating ad is the new commercial that’s running for the bacon double cheeseburgers at McDonald’s. This commercial sucks so much ass that even McDonald’s must be ashamed of it, because I can’t find a clip of it on YouTube to serve as a visual aid.
It’s pretty hard to create an advertisement for anything containing bacon that would incur my hate and wrath, but McDonald’s has managed to do just that. The commercial I’m haranguing is the one where some fat middle aged guy with a beard is lying in bed and his pregnant wife mumbles the word “pickles”. The guy appears to be about 50 and is too fucking old to be having new kids. It’s also depressing that this 50 year old fatass with a scraggly beard can get a hot young wife when I can’t attract women to save my life. Yes, I know it’s just a commercial but still… fuck.
As the commercial wears on, the expectant dipshit gets into his car and keeps saying “pickles pickles pickles” to himself over and over again. That alone shows that he shouldn’t be reproducing. I mean shit, his wife asks for one item, not an entire shopping list. Is he really going to go out in the middle of the night in pouring rain and then forget why he’s doing it? Apparently this is the case, because he gets distracted when he sees a McDonald’s and stops in for a bacon McDouble and returns home without the pickles and his wife is at the door waiting for him and scowling. He then gets back to his car and starts chanting about pickles again.
What kind of empty sack must this guy be anyway, that he’s getting up in the middle of the night to buy his pregnant wife pickles? She can fucking wait until morning if she wants them that badly. I can’t say I feel any pity for him though, because any guy who is dumb enough to not be able to remember something as simple as a jar of pickles deserves to be whipped and miserable. All other things aside,pregnancy craving jokes are the lowest form of comedy. Hack writers have been milking this shit-gem for decades now. It wasn’t funny 60 years ago and it’s not funny now.
Another commercial I hate that I can’t find a video for, or more correctly a series of commercials, is that ongoing douche opera featuring the roommates who are always playing Nintendo DS. Maybe it’s a different Nintendo system, but I don’t give a fuck. I suppose the fact that I can’t even remember what actual product these ads are for is a shining example of their utter worthlessness.
Anyway, each of these commercials starts out with four or five trendy looking wastes of life who are sitting around playing video games and talking among themselves. The main topic of conversation usually revolves around how much they hate the roommate with the blond hair and the big nose who I think is called John. John then proceeds to make some sort of claim that he’ll beat them in their current round of gameplay, only to fail and be subjected to various humiliating treatments.
The only game I’d like to see these bastards play is Russian Roulette. The only catch would be that every chamber would be loaded, so they’d all die. The John guy would get to have his revenge by shooting all of his roommates, and then as he was dancing around and gloating he’d inadvertently blow his own head off too. Somebody would also have to sneak some cyanide tablets into their beers too just in case they survived the bullet wounds. That’d be five less trendy college kids to worry about.
The last infuriating commercials that shall be discussed in this post are the ones that have been airing for the past 10 years or so for “Kidz Bop”. Every one of these commercials is pretty much the same. They feature groups of shrill voiced little bastards flailing around and singing their favorite pop songs. Pop music is annoying enough as it is. The only thing that can possibly make it worse is having the actual singers’ voices replaced by those of prepubescent little monsters.
There’s something very wrong with the world when these albums are successful enough that they’re continuing to be produced. The kind of parents who buy these for their kids are probably the same ones who end up being grandparents before the age of 40. Your obnoxious little bastards will have time to be sexually promiscuous and arrogant teenagers soon enough. For now just let them be the miserable little self-centered shits that they are.
Just in case you’ve managed to enjoy your life thus far, watch the below clip of the Kidz Bop kids dancing to Lady Gaga’s “Born This Way”. It will make you regret your very existence. Speaking of Lady Gaga, she has a sinfully nice ass.