Holy Flaccidity Batman!

November 30th, 2011

There was a time, not too long ago, where I thought I would never experience a disappointment that would outdo the disillusionment I felt after first Trying the new McDonald’s Angus Burgers. I was proven wrong last night, in oh-so-many ways by one single entity: The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Yeah, you read that correctly – The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. You’d think that being disappointed by an hour of blazingly hot girls in lingerie would be like freezing to death in hell – utterly impossible – and up until last night, I would have agreed with you.

Granted, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show has been going downhill for the past 8 years or so, but this year’s specimen blew the shit right out of the toilet bowl. At one time, this used to be an event that was all about insecure pathetic guys who sat around at home because they lacked social lives and couldn’t get an attractive woman if their sad lives depended on it. In other words, guys like me. This was the one night of the year when we could pull our heads out of the oven and enjoy an evening of sophisticated titilation that didn’t result in quite the same degree of self hatred as shelling out money for Internet porn.

These old times for which I pine were in the days when the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was about lingerie, rather than weird looking costumes that nobody would ever wear in real life. How fondly I recall the VS Fashion Shows of old where models would strut the catwalk in thongs and actually have the cameras focus on their asses as they turned to walk back to the backstage area. Anyone who reads this site with any degree of regularity knows that I’m an assman to the core. (I’m 1/2048th black and my fondness for a voluptuous set of female buttocks is where it comes out.) As I said, in recent years the show has been going more and more downhill, but it is the ass shots that have suffered the most. Now, if any model is wearing panties that leave anything exposed, she’ll be wearing some kind of fucking cape or weird looking skirt to deprive us assmen of the view. In the few instances where this isn’t the case, the camera will usually pan away as soon as the girl turns around. However, even as recently as last year, a few ass shots were allowed into the airing.

Fast forward to this year’s show and things have taken a drastic turn for the worse. As I watched one model turn around, I saw that her ass was actually blurred out by the camera. Fucking Unbelievable, I thought to myself, hoping that it was just a case of the camera having trouble focusing at a distance.

My self delusion didn’t hold up for long though, as ass after ass was blurred out in a similar manner. For a moment, please consider the thong. The thong is all about the ass, so to have a fashion show that displays such an item and to not show the ass itself is completely inexcusable. Let’s forget thongs for a minute. By this point I was willing to accept any ass shots at all. I kept time throughout the airing of the show and the total amount of screen time for a rear view of models (and this is counting panties that had full ass coverage) totaled 29 seconds. The show is 60 minutes long and when you factor in commercials and the insufferable musical peformances, there was probably about a half hour of actual lingerie being displayed. Even so, this amounts to 1800 seconds. This amounts to less than 2% of the time being devoted to ass shots. Even if you’re someone with an actual life, perhaps a woman watching the show, wouldn’t you at least want to see how the lingerie would look in action from all angles?

Going beyond the lack of ass, what was even more sorely lacking was actual lingerie. Instead of strutting the catwalk in bras and panties as they once did, nearly all of the models were wearing gaudy, ugly-ass, weird costumes that aren’t even sold in the Victoria’s Secret stores and which nobody would ever wear. You can quite clearly tell that these were designed by the kind of fellows who don’t find women attractive. I could see if just a few of these were included for the pageantry and all, but without exaggeration, they made up about 90% of the show. That’d be like Pizza Hut having an hour long tv special where they spend nearly the whole time showing their salt shakers and neglecting to mention any actual pizza.

One costume group that especially bothered me was when they had the models in “lingerie” superhero outfits. All of these of course came with capes that again blocked out any ass shots and in general were about as revealing and arousing as a grandmother in a bathrobe. I remember one of the capes said “Incredible!” on the back of it. The only thing “incredible” about this evening was the level of disappointment incurred and the fact that despite my complaining, I and every other pitiful guy in the country will be tuned in again next year, simply because it’s Victoria’s Secret and we’re stupid. If CBS were to show an hour long film of Ron Howard eating celery and put “Victoria’s Secret” into the title of the show, it would still draw millions of viewers and earn CBS a killing in ad revenues. Sometimes I just wish the world would end.

There were also a lot of needless segments that took place throughout the show. There were interviews with the models that nobody on Earth would find interesting. As if the regular interviews weren’t bad enough, they spent a good amount of time filming the models showing pictures of themselves as kids, often in revealing outfits. Note to CBS – showing a topless picture of a 6 year old isn’t going to impress anyone. If we wanted to see that, we’d be looking at child porn, and then hopefully looking at a prison cell. At one point during this process the screen kept filling with Batman-esque textual sound effects (hence the title of this post). When you can’t tell if you’re watching a lingerie fashion show or a low-budget 60s Adam West tv series, something is horribly wrong.

The worst part of the evening was probably all of the musical guests. No self-respecting sex deprived loser wants to watch Maroon 5, Jay-Z, or Kanye West sing and hobble around the catwalk at a lingerie fashion show. Hell, I wouldn’t want to see that anywhere. They could’ve at least gotten Beyonce to perform and made it more pleasant on the eyes… or they could’ve just had nobody singing and just had a real lingerie fashion show.

The commercial breaks pissed me off too. They kept touting annoying odious product after annoying odious product. “The Talk”. Late Show with David Letterman. The Lenovo “Do” Machine, PC Richard and Sons (damn that fucking whistle to hell). A wide array of CBS shitcoms. The only worthwhile commercials were the ones for Victoria’s Secret that actually showed some panties. Oh, the bitter irony.

Oh and I almost forgot to mention, there’s the whole “I love Geeks/Nerds” thing that kept going on. Some of the girls were wearing clothing that said it and some said it during their interviews. I’ve been hearing this all over the place lately (and seeing it on dating sites as well) but it seems to be yet another one of those meaningless phrases like “I’m laid back”, “Hope and Change”, or “No Child Left Behind”. When it’s time to put their money where their mouth is, women still hate and reject us nerdy/geeky/dorky chaps just as much as ever before and time and again choose the athletic hero/popular college guy types. Stop giving us false hope.

These are the kinds of things that make me feel like I’ve gotten old before my time. It took my grandfather over 80 years to become this bitter toward the world, though when he reached his pinnacle of bitterness, he was truly a king among men. I guess it’s nice to know that at least in one way, I’m significantly ahead of the game.

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