Archive for November, 2011

Holy Flaccidity Batman!

November 30th, 2011

There was a time, not too long ago, where I thought I would never experience a disappointment that would outdo the disillusionment I felt after first Trying the new McDonald’s Angus Burgers. I was proven wrong last night, in oh-so-many ways by one single entity: The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. Yeah, you read that correctly – The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show. You’d think that being disappointed by an hour of blazingly hot girls in lingerie would be like freezing to death in hell – utterly impossible – and up until last night, I would have agreed with you.

Granted, the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show has been going downhill for the past 8 years or so, but this year’s specimen blew the shit right out of the toilet bowl. At one time, this used to be an event that was all about insecure pathetic guys who sat around at home because they lacked social lives and couldn’t get an attractive woman if their sad lives depended on it. In other words, guys like me. This was the one night of the year when we could pull our heads out of the oven and enjoy an evening of sophisticated titilation that didn’t result in quite the same degree of self hatred as shelling out money for Internet porn.

These old times for which I pine were in the days when the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was about lingerie, rather than weird looking costumes that nobody would ever wear in real life. How fondly I recall the VS Fashion Shows of old where models would strut the catwalk in thongs and actually have the cameras focus on their asses as they turned to walk back to the backstage area. Anyone who reads this site with any degree of regularity knows that I’m an assman to the core. (I’m 1/2048th black and my fondness for a voluptuous set of female buttocks is where it comes out.) As I said, in recent years the show has been going more and more downhill, but it is the ass shots that have suffered the most. Now, if any model is wearing panties that leave anything exposed, she’ll be wearing some kind of fucking cape or weird looking skirt to deprive us assmen of the view. In the few instances where this isn’t the case, the camera will usually pan away as soon as the girl turns around. However, even as recently as last year, a few ass shots were allowed into the airing.

Fast forward to this year’s show and things have taken a drastic turn for the worse. As I watched one model turn around, I saw that her ass was actually blurred out by the camera. Fucking Unbelievable, I thought to myself, hoping that it was just a case of the camera having trouble focusing at a distance.

My self delusion didn’t hold up for long though, as ass after ass was blurred out in a similar manner. For a moment, please consider the thong. The thong is all about the ass, so to have a fashion show that displays such an item and to not show the ass itself is completely inexcusable. Let’s forget thongs for a minute. By this point I was willing to accept any ass shots at all. I kept time throughout the airing of the show and the total amount of screen time for a rear view of models (and this is counting panties that had full ass coverage) totaled 29 seconds. The show is 60 minutes long and when you factor in commercials and the insufferable musical peformances, there was probably about a half hour of actual lingerie being displayed. Even so, this amounts to 1800 seconds. This amounts to less than 2% of the time being devoted to ass shots. Even if you’re someone with an actual life, perhaps a woman watching the show, wouldn’t you at least want to see how the lingerie would look in action from all angles?

Going beyond the lack of ass, what was even more sorely lacking was actual lingerie. Instead of strutting the catwalk in bras and panties as they once did, nearly all of the models were wearing gaudy, ugly-ass, weird costumes that aren’t even sold in the Victoria’s Secret stores and which nobody would ever wear. You can quite clearly tell that these were designed by the kind of fellows who don’t find women attractive. I could see if just a few of these were included for the pageantry and all, but without exaggeration, they made up about 90% of the show. That’d be like Pizza Hut having an hour long tv special where they spend nearly the whole time showing their salt shakers and neglecting to mention any actual pizza.

One costume group that especially bothered me was when they had the models in “lingerie” superhero outfits. All of these of course came with capes that again blocked out any ass shots and in general were about as revealing and arousing as a grandmother in a bathrobe. I remember one of the capes said “Incredible!” on the back of it. The only thing “incredible” about this evening was the level of disappointment incurred and the fact that despite my complaining, I and every other pitiful guy in the country will be tuned in again next year, simply because it’s Victoria’s Secret and we’re stupid. If CBS were to show an hour long film of Ron Howard eating celery and put “Victoria’s Secret” into the title of the show, it would still draw millions of viewers and earn CBS a killing in ad revenues. Sometimes I just wish the world would end.

There were also a lot of needless segments that took place throughout the show. There were interviews with the models that nobody on Earth would find interesting. As if the regular interviews weren’t bad enough, they spent a good amount of time filming the models showing pictures of themselves as kids, often in revealing outfits. Note to CBS – showing a topless picture of a 6 year old isn’t going to impress anyone. If we wanted to see that, we’d be looking at child porn, and then hopefully looking at a prison cell. At one point during this process the screen kept filling with Batman-esque textual sound effects (hence the title of this post). When you can’t tell if you’re watching a lingerie fashion show or a low-budget 60s Adam West tv series, something is horribly wrong.

The worst part of the evening was probably all of the musical guests. No self-respecting sex deprived loser wants to watch Maroon 5, Jay-Z, or Kanye West sing and hobble around the catwalk at a lingerie fashion show. Hell, I wouldn’t want to see that anywhere. They could’ve at least gotten Beyonce to perform and made it more pleasant on the eyes… or they could’ve just had nobody singing and just had a real lingerie fashion show.

The commercial breaks pissed me off too. They kept touting annoying odious product after annoying odious product. “The Talk”. Late Show with David Letterman. The Lenovo “Do” Machine, PC Richard and Sons (damn that fucking whistle to hell). A wide array of CBS shitcoms. The only worthwhile commercials were the ones for Victoria’s Secret that actually showed some panties. Oh, the bitter irony.

Oh and I almost forgot to mention, there’s the whole “I love Geeks/Nerds” thing that kept going on. Some of the girls were wearing clothing that said it and some said it during their interviews. I’ve been hearing this all over the place lately (and seeing it on dating sites as well) but it seems to be yet another one of those meaningless phrases like “I’m laid back”, “Hope and Change”, or “No Child Left Behind”. When it’s time to put their money where their mouth is, women still hate and reject us nerdy/geeky/dorky chaps just as much as ever before and time and again choose the athletic hero/popular college guy types. Stop giving us false hope.

These are the kinds of things that make me feel like I’ve gotten old before my time. It took my grandfather over 80 years to become this bitter toward the world, though when he reached his pinnacle of bitterness, he was truly a king among men. I guess it’s nice to know that at least in one way, I’m significantly ahead of the game.

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Someone’s in the kitchen with disappointment

November 15th, 2011

Recently, many fast food chains have been changing around their burgers at record speed and few if any of these changes have been for the better. Living in New England, which is widely known as the national dead zone for fast food chains, the pickings are slim. Basically our only burger choices are McDonald’s, Burger King, and Wendy’s (Though fortunately Five Guys and Sonic have recently entered the market). The big three have been fiddling around with their products and I’m not 100% sure why. All of the research I’ve conducted has produced different findings. Some say that they’re trying to appease the health nazis, some say they’re trying to appear more upscale, and others say that the changes are just due to the fact that the restaurants just want to continually evolve with time. You know what I say to that? Bullshit.

There’s no need to fix what isn’t broken. The first case I’ll bring up is with Wendy’s. Rather than simply introducing a new burger, Wendy’s has recently decided to completely change how ALL of their burgers are made, with the new incarnations bearing the “Dave’s Hot and Juicy” label. I hope Dave Thomas doesn’t know about this, because if he knew they were going to fuck up his burgers and use his name to do it, he’d be rolling in his grave so hard it’d cause an earthquake. One of the changes included in this package is that the corners of the meat patties are now rounded. The whole fucking reason they were square in the first place was because research showed them to fit better on the bun that way. In addition to this, Thomas liked the idea of square meat because it literally showed that they weren’t “cutting corners”. A Wendy’s burger with rounded corners is like a strip club where all of the strippers’ tits are pixelated.

They’ve also changed the toppings on the burgers. Gone are the days of crisp, delicious iceberg lettuce and juicy ripe tomatoes. The vegetables atop the new burgers have the texture of a poorly starched shirt sleeve and taste about half as good. I’d have to say the worst change is how they’ve doubled the amount of cheese on each burger. I don’t know why it is that cheese is being pushed so hard. It tastes like shit and it’s not even good for you, so even the health nazis have no real reason to desire it. I always order my burgers without cheese anyway so this doesn’t affect me, but damn it, I have my principles.

Now I know what you’re all saying right now. You’re saying, “Wait a minute dumbass. The new burgers are ‘butter toasted’, so stop your bitching.” While this is true, it seems to be true only in theory, as a full month after the introduction of the new burgers, every Wendy’s location I’ve visited has been giving me burgers that are neither buttered nor toasted.

Burger King has been striking out pretty badly lately as well. One of their newest menu categories is their “topper” burgers. I was a bit excited when I first learned of these, but bitterly disappointed when I tried them. The Western BBQ topper is no different than the rodeo burger, the Deluxe is nothing but a deluge of cheese, and the Mushroom Swiss contains mushrooms that taste like they’ve spent 10 years enveloped in fat people’s rolls, marinating in sweat.

Another new and disappointing offering from Burger King is the Chef’s Choice burger. The only thing setting it apart from any other burger is the fact that it has double cheese (what the fuck is it with this trend?) and comes on a roll so spongy, thick and flavorless that is manages to almost entirely cancel out the flavor of the actual burger itself.

The greatest indicator of the brain death of Burger King is the fact that they’ve just pulled the greatest burger they’ve ever had from their menu. Of course, I’m talking about the California Whopper. With one bite of a California Whopper with its bacony goodness and guacamole kick, I would forget all about being in shitty-ass New England surrounded by assholes and think I was back in southern California, dining at a boardwalk Carl’s Jr or Jack In The Box and seeing hot girls go by in bikinis and seeing the crystal clear waves crash up against the shore. And homeless people. The California Whopper alone is what got me through the 2 week power failure following Hurricane Irene and now the bastards take it away from me.

The last establishment I’ll touch on in this post is McDonald’s. For a limited time, they’ve once again brought back the McRib, which is nothing less than a gift from God himself. However, three of the past four times I’ve tried to get one, it’s gone horribly wrong. One trip resulted in them putting the McRib on a regular hamburger roll, which is pure blasphemy. Another time they dressed it in cheese (again, with the mother fucking cheese), and a third time there were 2 hairs present in my McRib. My most recent visit was to a newer and cleaner looking McDonald’s whereupon I ordered five delicious McRibs to make up for the prior disappointments. I really do love the McRib. If I ever get married, I hope my wife will wear a McRib thong, complete with McRib sauce on our wedding night.

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