Time sure does fly when you’re poor, not getting laid, overweight, awkward, prematurely balding, and obsessed with 80s commercials. Actually that’s a big fat lie, but somehow preservethe80s is still going and maintaining its whopping 6-visitors-per day readership. Well to all 6 of you who may be reading this now, I’m giving you what you still, according to my anayltics, seem to want most. That’s right, it’s time for another list of depressing facts.
1. No matter how many different razors and guards I try, I still can’t stop my beard from being scraggly and uneven.
2. Last week some waste of life in Ohio tried to get her daughter’s elementary school in trouble for serving tater tots at lunch time.
3. Dancing with the Stars still hasn’t been cancelled.
4. Charlie Sheen worshippers are still constantly saying the word “winning”
5. Google’s straglehold on the Internet is even stronger now than it was the last time I bitched about it.
6. I never managed to get to Hot n Now before they went out of business
7. Clowning jobs have fallen 71% within the past 6 years. Clowns scare the hell out of me, and the only thing more unsettling than a happy clown is a sad one.
8. Almost every McDonald’s is masquerading as a snobby coffee bar with that whole McCafe nonsense.
9. Speaking of McDonald’s, I’ve only gone there three times this year since the Monopoly game started and I already have 5 Pennsylvania Railroad game pieces.
10. You never see old people buying those 10 cent York Peppermint Patties anymore. That used to be a staple image in every restaurant.
11. The bottle/glass/can return at Adam’s won’t accept 16oz cans of Pabst. There goes a good chunk of my income.
12. The original Wendy’s location has recently closed its doors.
13. Kids’ cereal mascots are no longer allowed to play prominent roles in commercials. With Cap’n Crunch no longer there to look out for my safety, I feel completely alone and adrift.
14. I recently saw an article entitled “The Death of the Thong”. Damn boyshorts. Damn them to hell.
15. Nobody has thrown Michael Vick to the lions, and I don’t mean the football team from Detroit.
16. Alan Keyes isn’t running for president.
17. Northern toilet paper is now officially called Quilted Northern. My Northern toilet paper-obsessed college accounting professor must be crying his eyes out.
18. The new dollar bills have a very unpleasant texture.
19. We now have another sitcom featuring Ashton Kutcher.
20. Wikipedia editors have become much more speedy and effective at detecting and removing my acts of vandalism.
21. Dish network found it necessary to replace SNY with the Oprah Channel
22. You came to this page looking for depressing facts, and now you’re just depressed that you wasted your time reading it.