I’ve been busier than a Depends-changer at a convalescent home lately and consequently haven’t updated this site in quite a while. Worry not, from now on I’m keeping my priorities in order and shall never again let Preserve the 80s fall to the wayside.
Now that that’s out of the way, I’d like to introduce the topic of this post. As a change of pace, instead of bitching about people. places, and things that suck ass, I’ve decided to think positive and make a humble tribute to the ten greatest currently living people in the USA. These people are Kings and Queens among commoners, legends among also-rans, and in general just too badass for this world. Without further ado, I present to you the list of the Top 10 Living People in the USA.
10. Betty White
Betty White is one of the few regulars from Match Game still living today, therefore making her the strongest link we have left to the comedic genius known as Charles Nelson Reilly, as he sadly did not reproduce. That reason alone is more than enough to qualify her for this list.
If you’re scratching your head and asking “Who the hell is George Ouzounian? Or Maddox?”, you need to immediately stop whatever you are doing (including reading this page) and visit The Best Page In The Universe. Maddox’s hatred for the world and everyone in it was a partial inspiration for Preserve the 80s. If Preserve the 80s can ever be 1/1000th as badass as Maddox’s site, it will be a miracle.
8. Mike Ness
Mike Ness of Social Distortion is pretty much single-handedly responsible for maintaining whatever dignity and appeal that punk rock has left. He’s what keeps the Green Days of the world at bay.
7. Tom Kruse, Inventor of the Hoveround
Not to be confused with the ambiguously oriented actor Tom Cruise, Tom Kruse is the distinguished inventor of the Hoveround, the greatest mobility device ever to exist. He has done more than anyone else to make us free to see the world.
6. Richard Karn
Richard Karn has beyond a doubt done more to promote and spread the awareness of flannel than any other man in the history of the world. He was also the sole tolerable actor on the shit heap known as Home Improvement and was more than adequate during his tenure as the host of Family Feud.
5. Wilford Brimley
While the rest of the world is telling Chuck Norris jokes, Chuck Norris is telling Wilford Brimley jokes. He has taught us all the importance of oatmeal and will one day win his one-man-war against Diabeetus. Screw the Dos Equis guy, Wilford Brimley is the most interesting man in the world.
4. Bill Cosby
Nobody had a stronger presence in the world of 80s tv commercials than Bill Cosby. Whether he was promoting Jello, New Coke, or Kodak Film, he did it all with style, class, and the best sweaters on the planet.
3. James Rolfe (The Angry Video Game Nerd)
Anyone who has ever gone on YouTube knows the Angry Video Game Nerd. Through humor, anger, violence, and profanity, he helps to heal the wounds caused by all the subpar video games we played in our childhoods. He’s the Gold Standard as far as online video game reviewers go and the only one even remotely worthy of this list. Overlord (real name unknown) deserves an honorable mention though, because it takes some balls for a grown man to admit to the world that he owns and plays a Barney video game.
2. Whoever Invented the Baconator
I wish I knew who this giant of culinary genius is, but unfortunately I do not know his or her name. Whoever you are, please know that you will always be one of my greatest personal heroes and have produced the all time greatest creation by a non-deity.
1. Vida Guerra
I will never need Viagra, solely because of the existence of Vida Guerra and her insanely hot ass. As if this were not enough, she recently posed nude in a video for PETA. I may not be too big a fan of PETA, but you’ll be hard pressed to find a bigger animal lover than me. While she may have been aiding an insane organization, her heart (and ass) was in the right place. Possessing a degree of hotness never before, presently, or in the future equaled, Vida Guerra is the #1 greatest person in the United States (shit, in the whole world) alive today.