Archive for July, 2011

I hate David Letterman

July 17th, 2011

David Letterman is an asshole and like any other asshole, he’s out there every day spewing more shit into the world. Every time I see his gap toothed smile or hear his irritating voice, I want to take a baseball bat to every television set in America. Between his patronizing interviews, ignorant remarks, legion of empty headed fans, and stale attempts at “comedy”, there are as many reasons to hate David Letterman as there are dollars in his bank account.

To my knowledge, my house isn’t set as one of the homes used in Nielsen’s ratings studies, but in case it is, I turn on Jay Leno every single night just to take a chance at putting a small dent in Letterman’s ratings. Jay Leno isn’t much better – choosing Leno over Letterman is like choosing to have a hand amputated over having your cock amputated. That’s why when I put Jay Leno on I mute the tv and leave the room.

Sometimes I used to sit around and wonder how an asshole as great as David Letterman could possibly exist. Not being able to figure this out caused me great anxiety and frustration, until one day when I came up with the following theory, which shall henceforth be known as the David Letterman Equation:

David Letterman is a douche
The David Letterman equation is as follows: one ape + a pair of glasses + a pile of jizz rags = David Letterman. Remember that, because pretty soon it’s going to be appearing in math textbooks worldwide.

David Letterman’s assholery knows no bounds. He loves to spout of his political opinions, which are always misguided and utterly biased. I guess I shouldn’t complain though, who could possibly understand politics and the real world better than a guy who sits around telling unfunny jokes, licking his teeth, and cheating on his girlfriend? Speaking of his girlfriend, that’s another thing that pisses me off. David Letterman is 64 years old and a very unattractive 64 years old at that. Even with his money, he should be thanking his lucky stars that a woman is willing to let him penetrate her. Instead of realizing his good fortune, he goes off and bangs some other woman. I really hope that other woman was a prostitute, because having sex with Letterman and not getting paid for it is one of the worst tragedies a person could ever experience.

I also hate the fact that David Letterman had a kid a few years back. This new trend of guys (especially guys who are celebrities) knocking up women and producing chips off the old shit block after the age of 50 is just wrong. When David Letterman’s son has a birthday party, he and his friends must have to play Tape the Depends on Daddy instead of Pin the Tail on the Donkey.

A few years ago I remember Bill O’Reilly appearing on the Late Show. Bill O’Reilly is another douchebag. The idea that conservatives want to use him as their mouthpiece makes about as much sense as somebody appointing Michael Vick as the spokesman for the Humane Society. Then again, Republicans have put up the likes of Newt Gingrich and Sarah Palin as their preferred 2012 candidates who are probably the only 2 people in America who COULDN’T beat Obama at this point.

Anyway, Letterman and O’Reilly were engaging in a debate which mostly consisted of O’Reilly babbling about various things and Letterman spouting off nonsensical answers that were nothing but emotion and basically “I know you are, but what am I” type rebuttals, each of which would be followed by an ovation by his drooling Pavlovian fans. By the end of the debate, O’Reilly had pretty much sealed a runaway victory, which was just sad. Getting owned in a debate by Bill O’Reilly is only slightly better than losing a chess match to a Pringle. Actually it’s probably worse, because at least the Pringle won’t be looking into a mirror and masturbating about the victory afterward.

Another reason I hate David Letterman is that he is responsible for spawning Jimmy Kimmel Live. Jimmy Kimmel is quasi entertaining and semi likable when he’s part of a comedy team or ensemble, such as his roles with Win Ben Stein’s Money, The Man Show, and Crank Yankers. However, he doesn’t have the personality or comedic ability to carry a show on his own. This is probably due to the fact that he is widely known to have idolized David Letterman as a kid and obsessively watched every single episode, even going as far to host David Letterman parties with his friends. After all that time watching Letterman, it’s amazing that Jimmy Kimmel isn’t an even more mindless unfunny drone than he already is.

David Letterman is as smarmy a bastard as they come. Every now and then he gets himself in hot water by opening up his dentist-neglected mouth and saying something that pisses everyone off and he’s forced into making an apology. However, every time this happens, his apology ends up being just another insult to whoever he pissed off and another self worshiping session.

I really hate every single thing about David Letterman and his show. I hate that bald guy who basically serves as Letterman’s right hand man during each episode. You know who I’m talking about – that bald guy with the sunglasses. I don’t hate him as much as I hate David Letterman, but he’s still obnoxious and unbearable. He’s like that lone hard piece of shit you sometimes see in the middle of a pile of dog diarrhea. I literally got writer’s block and sat here for 20 minutes trying to come up with a good analogy to suit that guy, and that’s the best I was able to come up with, though it is pretty fitting.

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