Right now I’m at a Hyundai service center waiting for the air conditioner in my Accent to be fixed. Upon my arrival I was informed that I was in for a bit of a wait, so I decided to traverse around the building to see what I could do to pass the time. In my travels, I happened upon a row of vending machines and moved in for a closer look. After examining their various wares and weighing my options, I decided on a pack of “Swiss Creme Sandwich Cookies” and after depositing my money, receiving the cookies, and picking up my change, I headed back to the waiting room.
As I looked down at the package of cookies in my hand, my expectations were fairly low – I mean this was a pack of cookies from a vending machine that cost 85 cents. There were six in the package, so that works out to just over 14 cents per cookie. Adding to this was the fact that Swiss was up until today an unknown brand to me, I vowed not to get too excited and set myself up for a fall. All I can say is that I was wrong. Dead wrong. More wrong than an ethics committee consisting of Anthony Weiner, Mark Sanford, John Edwards, Arnold Schwarzengger , and Andy Dick. From the first moment I tasted one, I knew I had to dedicate my life to both consuming and spreading awareness of what can be called without hyperbole, the greatest invention of all time.
The price, location, and fairly nondescript packaging of these cookies greatly belied their immense glory. The texture was amazing. It was crunchy but not crumbly and light and crispy but not even remotely health-nazi esque. The cream filling is far superior to anything I’ve ever tasted in an Oreo, and dare I say it, even a Hydrox. The filling and exterior come together in a way that I can’t even begin to explain. The first bite was more intensely pleasurable than 1000 simultaneous orgasms. I finished the first package in about 30 seconds, and with the remaining $10.00 I had in my wallet, I purchased 11 more. In all seriousness, it is taking every ounce of restraint in my body right now to not commandeer the PA system in this building and trumpet out the splendor that is a Swiss Creme Sandwich Cookie to every worker and customer here.
Even on an aesthetic level these cookies are incredible. Each half of the sandwich cookie features an intricate and highly artistic pattern of four converging swirl patterns which in the middle form a noble and unmistakable diamond. Forget the Mona Lisa, Starry Night, the Sistine Chapel painting and any of that other “art”. These cookies are art. A masterpiece. A work for the ages.
Has this article piqued your interest in Swiss Creme Sandwich Cookies? If so, I have some wondrous news for you – these gifts from God are available in 120 – ONE HUNDRED FUCKING TWENTY packs on Amazon. As soon as I pick up my paycheck I’m ordering 2 of those, minimum. I strongly urge you to do the same, or at least search for a vending machine that possesses them and join me in paradise. It will be more thrilling than losing your virginity, the birth of your first child, your wedding, graduation, and nearly every other notable event in your life combined, and that is no lie.
Update: 3 hours later
If any of the above wasn’t compelling enough, here is a picture of my dog as I’m showing him the Swiss Creme Sandwich Cookie I’m about to give him. Don’t let the cool and suave exterior fool you, inside he’s spinning somersaults of joy.