Archive for May, 2011

Everything you wanted to know about McDonaldland but were afraid to ask

May 29th, 2011

I’d like to begin this post by saying a big “shame on you” to the pussies at DDB Worldwide. DDB Worldwide is the corporation that handles marketing for McDonald’s and that has recently given in to pressure from Mrs. Rodupmyass and her ilk. As I’ve covered in a previous article, irresponsible parents such as Mrs. Rodupmyass have been all over McDonald’s and other fast food companies in the past few years trying to get them to eliminate “unhealthy” items from their menus because they’re too damn lazy and feckless to just say no if their kids ask for them. Unfortunately, their efforts to remove beloved fast food Americana are not limited just to the food itself.

In 2007, a group of unfit parents rallied against McDonald’s and DDB Worldwide demanding that the McDonaldland characters be removed from marketing as they were supposedly to blame for their kids becoming giant fatasses. They’ve allowed Ronald McDonald to stay as long as he is visually advocating healthy lifestyle choices (better wrap up Ronald ol’ buddy), but the rest of his friends are gone for good. I don’t know exactly what Grimace was supposed to be, but I can say with 100% certainty that he’d be a more fit parent than many of the people who are “raising” kids today.

As much as DDB Worldwide’s lack of balls annoys me and as much as I hate to see the health nazis win another battle, there’s something else about this whole issue that really eats at me. As you’ve most likely noticed, the McDonaldland characters, and for that matter, McDonaldland itself, were removed from McDonald’s marketing without a proper send-off. There was no formal announcement or commercial story to show what happened to them or where they were going. Nobody knew the fate of McDonaldland… until now. Read on to learn of the tragic and unfortunate demises which befell our beloved childhood friends.

Hamburglar – After years of petty theft and brief stints in various McDonaldland prisons, Hamburglar started getting tired of such an unfulfilling life of trivial and inconsequential crimes. Whenever the other inmates discovered that he was in prison due to hamburger theft, he ended up beaten and full of “special sauce” faster than you could say robble robble. Such vulnerability was compounded by his unusually small stature and childlike facial features. Knowing that he couldn’t shake a life of crime but wanting more respect in the big house, Hamburglar decided to kick his criminal activity up a few notches. Never being much for forethought, Hamburglar decided to just take the first opportunity that came his way.

This came in the form of a tickertape parade for Mayor McCheese after he won an unprecedented 21st re-election. Hamburlgar took his position atop the McDonaldland Gun Shop (the irony was purely coincidental, not intentional on the part of Hamburglar) and opened fire when McCheese’s motorcade passed on the street below, instantly killing the beloved politician.

As Hamburglar turned to flee, he realized that he had accidentally locked the roof access door behind him, leaving him stranded atop the building. Deciding there was nothing left to lose, he jumped down off the building with the gun, in a kamikaze style attack. Unfortunately, his poor coordination ended up foiling him as he instantly fumbled the gun and his suicide attempt was also unsuccessful as the building was only one story tall. He was promptly arrested by Officer Big Mac, tried for the murder of Mayor McCheese, found guilty, and sentenced to death in the electric chair.

Mayor McCheese- See above

Birdie – After being guilted by family members about spending all of her time in McDonaldland and never visiting, Birdie decided to book a flight to see her kinsfolk in southeast Asia. All was going well at first, but after a few days Birdie starting feeling horribly ill. She couldn’t stop coughing, her muscles ached, her throat was on fire, and she was beginning to develop pink eye. After attempts by the village doctor to diagnose her illness proved futile, Birdie flew back to the United States to visit the Mayo Clinic. Unfortunately, she died on the flight over there and was posthumously diagnosed with Avian Influenza.

Officer Big Mac – Once Officer Big Mac had managed to finally take care of the Hamburglar for good, he felt invincible and unstoppable. He figured if he could do away with McDonaldland’s most notorious criminal and avenge the death of his dear friend Mayor McCheese, then no task was beyond his ability. He decided to take a trip out to New York to crack the still-unsolved case of the Long Island serial killer. After talking with Joel Rifkin to get some insight into the mind of a top level prostitute whacker, Officer Big Mac headed into Long Island to bring the killer to justice. Soon after that, he disappeared and two weeks later, his remains were found in the same marsh as the killer’s other victims. Closer inspection by forensic scientists revealed that McDonaldland’s top cop had his head cleaved in two with his own badge. The Lesson – Pride goeth before fall.

Happy Meal Guys – Somebody ate them. I don’t know why this didn’t happen sooner.

Grimace – With his uncontrollable lust for McDonald’s milkshakes, Grimace was a long-time sufferer of obesity and the perfect fodder for famous asshole Morgan Spurlock to use in his health nazi propaganda film,Supersize Me. Not wanting to be the cause of the death of what he loved most, Grimace put his clogged heart and soul into trying to lose weight and get in shape so that Spurlock couldn’t make his film. All was going well until one day when Grimace made a trip to the McDonaldland mall to buy some multivitamins from GNC.

As he ascended on the escalator, he unfortunately became lost in thought and didn’t realize when he had reached the top, which led to his toe getting caught in the belt of the escalator and his body being horribly mutilated. Grimace survived long enough to make it to the hospital, where, on his deathbed, Ronald McDonald tearfully lied to him, saying that Morgan Spurlock had been sued for libel and couldn’t produce his documentary. Though deceived, Grimace died a happy whatever-the-fuck-he-was.

The Fry Guys – After years of confusion and frustration, they’ve finally discovered their sexuality and now go by the name of “The Bi Guys”

McNugget Buddies – After years of their non-stop gratuitous use of puns, everyone in McDonaldland was getting pretty sick of the McNugget buddies. The locals hatched a plan whereby they would cook up a false award ceremony in which the McNugget buddies would be honored for their bravery and tenacity in proving that anyone, even cut up and deep fried pieces of chicken carcasses could survive and make a difference in the world. The ceremony was to be held in the outskirts of McDonaldland, right next to the very bear-centric nature reserve.

Knowing the propensity of the McNugget buddies to jump into whatever dipping sauces were available before shrieking out corny puns, the townspeople brought along several honey packets. As the ceremony began, the McNugget buddies predictably enough jumped into the honey packets, uttering such irritating phrases as “What a SWEET deal!”, “I don’t need a hairbrush, I need a HONEYCOMB!”, and “Gee, I hope this bee honey doesn’t give me HIVES!”.

The conspirators then faked laughs and anxiously waited for the bears to show up. After a few seconds, a bear smelled the honey and arrived on the scene, gobbling up the McNugget buddies. Among screams of pain and fear, one of the McNugget buddies was heard saying, “I guess I’ll just have to grin and BEAR it!” as he disappeared into the mouth of the bear. The bear then vomited up the mangled corpse of the McNugget buddy and lumbered away.

Captain Crook – Considering himself too good of an actor to continually appear in McDonald’s commercials and trying to steal Filet-O-Fish sandwiches, Captain Crook decided to go to Hollywood and audition for the latestPirates of the Carribean movie. However, he was cut before he could even read his first line. Overwhelmed with misery, he swiped a reel of film from the studio and took it back to his hotel room where he used it to hang himself.

Mac Tonight – The only member of the McDonaldland gang other than Ronald to survive, Mac Tonight now tours with Richard Cheese as his opening act.

After all of these deaths, McDonaldland’s economy had taken quite a hit as McDonald’s commercials were its backbone. Both economically and emotionally depressed, the citizens of McDonaldland were looking for help and were willing to believe in anything. It was around this time that Jim Jones’s lesser-known brother Tim Jones showed up and started a cult of his own in McDonaldland. The basic goal of this cult was to ensure that people stopped incorrectly referring to the Flavor Aid used by his brother as Kool Aid. After mixing up some Flavor Aid laced with poison, Jones passed it around to the townspeople and they all drank it and promptly died. Jones’s last words were, “From this day forward, people will use the expression ‘drinking the Flavor Aid’!” He was wrong.

So now that you know the true story behind the disappearance of the McDonaldland characters, you must be asking yourself “What’s going to happen to Ronald now that he’s lost all of his friends?” Well, the answer is that Ronald became very depressed and started hanging out at Hot Topic. He’s now emo and is too skinny, weak, and depressed to appear in McDonald’s commercials to promote healthy lifestyles, because that’s a little hard to do when you can’t go five minutes without cutting yourself.

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