Cut the bullshit and sell your damn insurance

April 15th, 2011

You know what’s neither funny nor entertaining? Insurance. Insurance is a necessary evil in our lives and when it comes to buying insurance and setting up a policy, the best thing to do is to just get to the point and not beat around the bush so that you can get on with your life. When an insurance company puts out an advertisement, it should be informative and serve as a tool to steer you to whatever company and policy best fit your needs. State Farm, Progressive, Geico, and eSurance don’t seem to understand this simple concept.

Lately all of their commercials have been pathetically failed attempts at comedy that have made me hate insurance salesmen more than ever before. They’re advertising insurance. They’re not on the stage at some shitty comedy club. Perhaps they think that by annoying the public enough, they’ll be stuck in their heads and they won’t be able to help but buy their insurance. Companies like these make me wish there was some commerce equivalent of a serial killer that would take these companies out one by one in successively grisly fashion.

While Geico’s commercials aren’t quite as bad as the other comapny’s ads, I blame them for all of this bullshit because they were the first insurance company to start trying to inject comedy into their advertising with that fucking gecko. The Geico gecko is to insurance commercials what Ted McGinley is to sitcoms – slightly annoying and pretty forgettable, yet at the same time a harbinger of annoyance, weak comedy, and an eventually unbearable watching experience.

The latest Geico commercials feature the Gecko along with some stupid douche who looks like a college radio disc jockey. The basic formula is to have someone call into their radio show and ask a question which is then answered by the gecko with some insipid drivel mixed in from the douche jockey. I really hate that kid. If that “Dude, you’re getting a Dell” guy banged and somehow impregnated a hybrid of a Hanson cd and a tampon used by Goldie Hawn, the douche jockey would be the end result. That’s probably the laziest and worst analogy ever made in the history of mankind, but the douche jockey doesn’t deserve any better.

While Geico is the indirect cause of this annoying trend, State Farm is probably the participating company that lets me down the most. Back in the 80s (and even the 90s) when you heard the phrase “Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there” it actually meant something. It struck a chord deep within the soul and tugged at the heartstrings quite unlike any other insurance tagline ever could. The commercials were brief and to the point and there was no doubt as to the fact that State Farm had everyone’s best interests at heart.

Sadly the mighty have fallen and they’ve fallen hard. The State Farm commercials of this day and age always consist of a bunch of young and trendy assholes sitting around and fucking up, then singing the once sacred catchphrase and adding “with…” and then some person/item that will improve their situation and consequently being bailed out by a State Farm agent and said person/item.

The last time I saw one of these commercials, I tried singing the catchphrase and then adding “with a ray gun that will allow me to banish all of the actors in this commercial into an alternate dimension”. I didn’t receive my ray gun and the shitty commercials continued. Way to give me false hope State Farm.

eSurance has hopped on to the non-comedic comedy train as well with its latest ads. After spending a few years featuring Erin e-Surance in their commercials and realizing that there aren’t enough people out there who are willing to jerk it to a cartoon character, eSurance decided they’d try to blend in with the crowd and annoy the fuck out of the viewing public.

eSurance’s new commercials are not only tremendously annoying, but they also unintentionally depict eSurance as a pretty pathetic company. In their most recent commercial, the “Saver” (some asshole who likes to spout off different names for money and who is apparently eSurance’s top seller) is revealed to be a party disc jockey on the weekends.

If a company’s top performer is making so little money that he has to resort to such a pathetic side job to survive, the company must suck large quantities of ass. I guess it doesn’t speak very well of me that I’m bothering to read this much in to an insurance commercial (and a poor one at that), but what else does a parent’s-cellar dwelling 27 year old who makes less than $10k per year going to do with his time? I can only devote so much time to porn. As a side note, what is it with insurance companies, shitty commercials, and disc jockeys anyway? Maybe these commercials are written by manatees just like Family Guy.

I think Progressive’s commercials are the ones that I hate most of all. The only good thing about them is that they named that annoying bitch who stars in all of their commercials Flo. It’s quite a fitting name because she’s about as tolerable as a woman who’s being visited by eight simultaneous Aunt Flos. You’d think such a thing would be physically impossible, but I also thought it was impossible to make such annoying commercials until Progressive proved me wrong.

Progressive commercials also win the prize for being the most disturbing out of all of them. The way they have everyone appear in some seemingly endless white space has a distinctly disorienting and troubling effect. Are they trying to make it look like some distorted interpretation of heaven? If so, and they’re accurate, maybe going to hell won’t be so bad. Then again, if I go to hell, it’ll probably be an endless Progressive commercial. I guess my only option is to stay alive, but then I’ll still be seeing these ads. Apparently there’s no escape. I’d better drink up and stop thinking about this.

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