Archive for January, 2011

It’s not McDonald’s’ job to raise your brats

January 26th, 2011

The double apostrophe isn’t a mistake. That’s how you show the possessive for an institution already shown in the possessive. Interesting, right?

A few nights ago I was bored and was watching Nightline, 20/20, or some other irrelevant piece of shit news program. One of the guests they had on the show was this self-righteous bitch (who will henceforth be referred to as “Mrs Rodupmyass”) from California who was in the process of organizing a lawsuit against McDonald’s because their Happy Meals “encourage unhealthy eating habits in [her] child”. Before I got the chance to yell at the tv and tell her that it’s her own damn job to say no to her kids and not a restaurant’s responsibility, the interviewer asked her something to the same effect. Her reply was, “I can say no, but that’s where the battle begins. Even if I do say no, she’ll still see all the commercials advertising the happy meal and think she has to have it.”

After hearing this remark, my blood began to boil. Battle? What fucking battle? When I was a kid and asked for something and my parents said no, that was the end of the discussion. There was no back and forth battle or negotiation. On the few times where I tried to do that, my parents made me sorely regret it and that’s what should still be done with kids today. Also, who cares if the kid sees a commercial and wants whatever is being shown? Does this mean that Mrs Rodupmyass buys her daughter every single thing targeted to children that’s advertised on tv? Your kids don’t have their own money. If they have something, that means you bought it for them. Somehow I doubt that any six year old has the ability to forcibly drag their parents into a car, force them to drive to McDonald’s, then force them to fork over the money and buy them a Happy Meal. If this unfit mother has a problem with McDonald’s food, then she should get off her ass and cook a meal herself instead of counting on somebody else to pick up the slack and raise her little monster.

This whole story becomes even more ludicrous when one considers the fact that McDonald’s now offers apple slices and water/milk in place of french fries or soda with a Happy Meal. Add that to one tiny hamburger or 4 Chicken McNuggets and you don’t have all that unhealthy of a meal. That’s not good enough for Mrs. Rodupmyass though. She feels that french fries and soda shouldn’t even be an option, because her daughter may ask for them and she can’t say no. It pisses me off enough that McDonald’s even has to offer the alternative Happy Meals, let alone the fact that Mrs Rodupmyass wants them to be the only choice.

It’s not like the healthy foods being shoved at kids are making any kind of a difference. I was at McDonald’s last week and was in line behind a couple and their three kids who were all hyperactive and misbehaving. Their parents ordered the health nazi version of the Happy Meals for them, but it did little to quell their misbehavior or help their obviously low levels of intelligence. Two of the three kids were even running from the counter to the glass doors and ramming their heads into them, just for the hell of it. Not one scolding word came from the parents though, they just looked on as if to say “look our our precious little miracles and how beautifully they’re expressing themselves”

Parents like these are the reason this country is such a mess today and why the economy is tanking. Yes, shady banks, government blunders, and corrupt business practices also play a role, but let’s face it, we have to take some personal responsibility as well. If we don’t, we’re all just as bad as Mrs Rodupmyass. Nobody wants to do their job at work anymore if it’s not fun. Nobody wants to work in schools and colleges unless it’s a group project where they can just slack off. Nobody can wait for anything anymore or save up their money, they just want what they want when they want it and since their parents never taught them that this isn’t how the world works, they never learn this concept and make the same mistakes over and over again. This is only going to get worse once the youngest generation takes over because they’ve been spoiled and raised with these attitudes more than any other generation.

The examples are countless. Similar to Mrs Rodupmyass was a professor I had in college who was having a class do a debate on fast food restaurants marketing toward children. I was the only student in the class to take the side of the fast food chains, raising the point that it’s up to parents and not restaurants to decide what kids eat. The rest of the class looked at me like I had three heads and was speaking in Chinese and the professor’s only reply was “Well, my generation just doesn’t feel comfortable saying no to our children.” Then there was this little brat I saw at Sears a little while back. She wanted some skirt and her mother wouldn’t buy it for her, so she hauled off and hit her. Then her mother softens up and says, “I’m sorry I was so hard on you honey, we can get it.” The kid didn’t even thank her, she just made a smirk of smug entitledness and took the skirt off the rack.

Seriously, with parents like this, what hope to kids today have of growing up to have any kind of character, self-discipline, or morals? Sooner or later, they’re going to have to learn the word no, whether it comes from their parents now or if it comes 20 years down the road when they want a double advance on their welfare checks.

The point I’m trying to make here is that if you want to have kids, then be willing to do the work of raising and disciplining them and don’t rely on other people and institutions, especially restaurants, to do it. McDonald’s may not have the healthiest of food, but it wasn’t designed with the idea that everyone would be eating there for every meal every day. It’s fine to eat that kind of food in moderation. The problems with your little brats don’t begin at McDonald’s, they begin at home and if you aren’t willing to accept that, then you should get a vasectomy/have your tubes tied and just to be on the safe side, never engage in coitus again without using at least eight condoms and three diaphragms.

To all you lazy and spoiled parents out there, I’ll repeat what I’ve said several times: Help control the dumbass population. Have your kids spayed or neutered.

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January 5th, 2011

Once again, a new year is upon us. Predictably enough, people everywhere are coming up with dumb-as-shit resolutions that they don’t intend to keep. Why delude yourself into thinking you’re going to do anything to improve yourself within the next 12 months when you know damn well that best you can hope for is to just slow down the decline? Living with oneself is always quite difficult to do, and New Year’s resolutions are just one of the many tools we come up with to try to make this task slightly easier even though we always fail miserably.

Depressed yet? You should be. The weight of the world is heavy on all of our shoulders and my goal through creating this little portal of misery on the Internet is to make the world’s shoulders droop just a little bit more. However, I’ll arm you with some impossible to fuck up resolutions for the new year so for once you can say that you’ve kept your resolutions. We can all give ourselves a pat on the back on December 31st after we’ve achieved the following goals.

1. Broaden your horizons by broadening your ass. Break out the Fritos and Haagen-Dazs and get to work.

2. Become more bitter and angry toward humanity and all that it represents.

3. Tell yourself you love/are attracted to whoever you happen to be banging even though you know it’s not true so that you can look yourself in the mirror with a little less shame. If you’re not banging anybody, just spend more time whacking off. If you’re impotent, just repeat goal #2 as needed.

4. Donate a nominal amount to some random charity you don’t care about then tell everyone you know that you did it. This one has the double bonus of letting you enjoy a bit of self-righteousness while at the same time inspiring more guilt and self hatred in your friends, family, and co-workers.

5. Devote your attention and spare time to watching/listening to unabashedly biased political programming then accuse everyone on the other side of the political spectrum of being brainwashed. If you’re a liberal, tell everyone how George Bush is ruining the world and reply to any opposing argument by screaming “Fox News”. If you’re a conservative, tell everyone how Barack Obama is ruining the world and reply to any opposing argument by screaming “CNN”.

6. Procrastinate on every responsibility you have.

7. Do something that you always criticize other people for doing.

8. Come up with at least one bullshit excuse for not doing something/not going somewhere every day.

9. Watch a movie and look for something to happen in the movie that isn’t realistic. Then spend the rest of the time bitching about it and ruin the movie watching experience for everyone else in the room.

10. Leave hair clogs in a tub you share with somebody else. If you live alone, go to a gym and do it.

11. Speaking of gyms, get a membership to one but never go. If you have to go, just work out for 5 minutes then brag about it for 5 hours.

12. Act like it’s a miracle when your bratty kid does something that pisses everyone else off.

13. Let any parent who fawns over their stupid baby know you think it’s the ugliest thing this side of Gary Busey.

14. If you’re a guy, no matter how many women you’ve had sex with within the past year, lie and say it was five times more. If you’re a woman, lie and say you’ve been with five times fewer men. Both sexes can milk the double standard on this one.

Chances are, you’ve already done every single one of these things already and it’s only January 5. If not, take heart as there are still 360 days remaining in this year. (In the eyes of banks, that’s still a whole year.) For once, you can feel the satisfaction that comes with actually holding true to your New Year’s resolutions. I’d keep writing, but I have to go now and get a little fatter and then lie about who I’ve been engaging in intercourse with. Good luck to you all.

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