Archive for August, 2010

Perhaps this will help you if you’re a dieter with poor self-control

August 17th, 2010

For some reason whenever I’m around, fucked up things tend to happen. Unfortunately for me, many of these things consist of rather revolting events surrounding various foods which render me unable to eat said foods ever again. I shall relate to you some of these sad tales and maybe in the process ruin some foods for you as well.

Peanut Butter – This one takes place on the fateful day of May 30, 2006. It was actually about 3 hours earlier on the same day as an unpleasant flight I mentioned in a previous post. I was on a layover at the Minneapolis/St Paul Airport and it was around lunchtime. I was looking around for a place to eat but the food court in the terminal I was in was quite crowded. It had a section in which most of the tables were two seaters with one high seat on each side. I was unable to find a table that was completely empty, so I settled on one where I was across from a corpulent fellow who was suffering from rather severe acne. He was dining on a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, chewing with his mouth wide open and smacking quite loudly. I cannot verbally express how severe the smacking was. Even in the rich history of Three Stooges films there has never been sounds of smacking this highly audible. At one point during my meal (which was a fish sandwich, not that anyone cares) I happened to look up. This motion is one that I would soon come to regret for the rest of my life. My eyes instantly met with the image of the tubby bloke’s mouth wide open with thick strings of peanut butter colored phlegm going up and down between his teeth. I nearly vomited on the spot, though I managed to get to the bathroom where I had dry heaves for a bit, but no actual vomiting occurred. Vomit or no, peanut butter was forever ruined.

Bologna Sandwiches – I never much liked these to begin with, but after a convalescent home experience in  the summer of 1993, they have become completely inedible for me. It was a hot, balmy day and the convalescent home didn’t have the best air conditioning going. Everyone was hot, sweaty and miserable. Either through pure luck or clever planning by the staff, the meal being served that late afternoon/early evening was bologna sandwiches, so at least the ovens wouldn’t be running and making the place even hotter. My gratitude for this did not last long though. The sandwiches were consumed without any significant events occurring around them. The trouble began shortly after when my grandmother’s room mate decided to go to bed early. Before going to bed, she took her dentures and put them in a glass to soak. Shortly before leaving for the night, I went into the bathroom and happened to see the aforementioned jar. My grandmother’s room mate had not taken great pains to clean her dentures before soaking them. In the glass with the dentures were several bloated and stringy fragments of wet bologna, bread, and what I think might have been cheese. Some was wedged into the dentures themselves and some was floating around near the top. To this day I cannot even hear the word bologna without getting ill.

Milk- Milk is disgusting and revolting in and of itself. You shouldn’t need any jarring experience to make you not want to drink it. Don’t drink/buy/sell/rent/steal/ pour/ touch it. Ever.

Oregano – This is another convalescent home one, but oddly enough it was not a real live event, but rather a dream I had around 1991 or so. In the dream, I was in the former Deep River Convalescent Home. That’s right – the 77+1 Deep River Convalescent Home. In the dream, I walked down the dingy main hall of the convalescent home and saw a really unappetizing looking pizza sitting on a pedestal in an alcove. The pizza smelled very strongly of oregano and as I got closer to it, I could see that it had a layer of oregano over it about 3 inches thick. As I looked around the building, I saw bits of oregano everywhere on the ground and I started walking away. I suddenly looked to my right and saw an old guy on a chair in the hallway with Aqua Fresh Toothpaste leaking from his eyes. I didn’t see the actual toothpaste tube, but I’m guessing it had to be Aqua Fresh as no other toothpaste during that time period had the green/white/red color scheme.

Any of the egg sandwiches at Dunkin Donuts – Since my place of work doesn’t really have a bathroom, I typically use the one at the Dunkin Donuts which is about a mile down the road from it. On one such visit, I went into the bathroom, only to find an elaborate fecal mess all over the floor with a stench which even 1000 dead, rotting monkeys using 1000 typewriters made of crotch lint  could not begin to describe, though it had a strong egg component to it. The same is true for the visual make up of it. I darted out of the bathroom as fast as I could, but could not get the smell off myself for the rest of the day, despite taking 3 showers.

That’s all I can type on this subject for now, as I do eventually want to be able to eat again. Happy vomiting.

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