Archive for June, 2010

Is humanity a terminal illness?

June 30th, 2010

I’m beginning to think it just might be. It seems as though every day the asshole population among us grows exponentially and I come across more and more beings who are nothing less than completely intolerable. If you disagree, read on and you’ll get my point. Here are a few of the reasons why as a species, we need to just throw in the towel.

People who say “We’re pregnant” – Just typing “We’re pregnant” nearly gave me a stroke. Here’s a quick biology lesson. Females can get pregnant. Males cannot. Only one person at a time is capable of carrying any given fetus. Multiple people can not be pregnant with the same bundle of future semantic abusing asshole at the same time. For fuck’s sake I hate people who utter this phrase. Anyone caught saying it should be clubbed until unconscious and then sterilized in the most efficient manner possible. On second thought, just club them but don’t knock them out. Being unconscious for their sterilization would be too good for them. They should also find some way to slip the fetus a cyanide tablet because if it has any sense, it won’t want to go through life having sprung from such a genetic cesspool.

People who honk their horns at you when you’re fully immobilized in traffic – Ever get held up by construction or in any other kind of traffic jam and get completely locked in? It happens to the best of us. It also happens to the worst of us. I witnessed the latter just yesterday morning while stuck in traffic in New London. There were vehicles surrounding me in every direction and traffic was at a standstill. Despite the fact that there was absolutely nowhere I could go, some raging bitch in the lane next to me was blaring her horn at me, screaming what I assume were obsenities, and wildly gesticulating in a manner befitting a simean tourette’s syndrome sufferer. When I looked away, she began revving her engine ineffectually. She kind of reminded me of a female version of Colonel Sanders, only she didn’t have a white Kentucky Colonel suit, van dyke, fried chicken franchise, or any of the Colonel’s general badassery. Come to think of it, I guess she wasn’t that much like Colonel Sanders, but some loose association brought him to mind. Getting back to the point, you’re pretty much a pile of shit if you somehow expect someone to be able to, and throw a tantrum when they do not, defy the laws of physics and just race through a solid wall of automobiles which surrounds you in all directions.

Enviro-Nazis – They’re not as bad as health nazis, but they’re still a gargantuan pain in the ass. Caring for the environment is all well and good, but there’s a difference between being responsible and having a mile long rod of self-righteousness permanently jammed up your ass. If I want to buy paper plates or a set of plastic utensils, I’m going to do it. A few years back I was reamed out by some enviro-nazi for doing just that. He was a filthy looking creature, with greasy matted hair, crooked teeth, and a ratdog t-shirt. He peered at me through glassed over eyes and his roundish John Lennon style glasses for a moment and then proceeded to tell me I was living for myself and killing the world. His tirade came to an ubrupt end however when I asked him from what eco-friendly material the plastic beads he had around his neck were made of.

Whoever it was that designed those hotelplanner.com commercials – Whoever you are, there’s a special place reserved for you in hell.

The author and purchasers of the Eat this, Not That Series – This one says it all. Not only is there some asshole out there continually shitting all over all things delicious and basically ordering us how to dine, but he actually has a following of devoted fans. It boggles the mind. Instead of being locked up somewhere, this motherfucker of a bastard of a cocksucking douchebag is being rewarded for his exploits. He is the number one reason why I will soon have to buy either tranquilizer darts or a defibrillator.

This post is getting me too agitated. Time to go upstairs for some bacon wrapped waffles to put out this fire.

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