Any of you unlucky ladies out there want to date a portly 80s commercial obsessed bloke?

May 18th, 2010

If your answer to the above question is “yes”, do two things. Step One- seek immediate psychiatric help. If none is available, proceed to Step 2, which is to read the following article about the most annoying recurrent themes found various dating profile sites of women I’ve viewed within the past year or so. (Note: I’m sure there are just as many men’s profiles which are equally abhorrent, but being that I solely seek people who possess vaginas, I wouldn’t know and thus will not be covering them in this article.)

1. Women who refer to themselves as “laid back”
I don’t really know why, but that term in and of itself kind of pisses me off. However, it is much more annoying when I encounter it in a dating site profile. This is mainly because in my experience, the women who refer to themselves as being laid back usually end up being some of the most intense and unstable people I’ve ever met. One such woman I met on a dating site (I think it was okcupid) described herself as laid back, then proceeded to tell me about how she once purposely scalded a customer with hot coffee while working as a waitress because said customer complained of slow service. This was about ten minutes into our very first conversation. My point is this- don’t false advertise. If you aren’t a peaceable person, just don’t mention that and play to your other strengths. If you are, then please refer to yourself as “serene” rather than laid back. That would be infinitely less annoying, and also carries an additional benefit in that the word serene has always reminded me of mint mouthwash and connotes good oral hygiene.

2. Using “If you like piña coladas” as a headline

This one is just as hackneyed and annoying as the laid back thing. If hell has a soundtrack, the pina colada song must be on it. Eight times. If you have to make a Jimmy Buffet reference*, at least go with Cheeseburger in Paradise. At least that one involves burgers which is always a plus. Just thinking about that headline makes me want to bash myself over the head with a hammer until I’m in a coma. Even “Want crabs? You’ve come to the right place!” would be a more appealing headline. Dating sites aside, pina coladas are a shitty drink. Speaking of drinks, that brings me to my next point.

3. Women who show themselves with some kind of alcoholic drink in every single one of their profile pictures.

A lot of people like to have a drink now and then and there’s nothing wrong with that. You might think that showing six pictures of yourself with a drink in your hand, depraved grin on your face and a guy leaning into the frame who looks like such a douche that he must be an heir to the Massengill family fortune makes you look like a fun loving and free spirited kind of girl. It doesn’t. The whole getting drunk every Thurs-Sun night thing gets old quick and doesn’t help to make you an attractive dating prospect. Additionally, it gives off the impression that since you’re always drunk, your memory probably isn’t the greatest so you might forget to take the ol’ pill and lock us both into the hell that is parenthood.

4. Overtly sexual/revealing pictures on the part of people who shouldn’t be so willing to expose themselves

Even if you have the body for it, have a little self respect and leave something to the imagination. Putting up borderline nude pictures on a site that almost anyone can see might give you a bit of a thrill, but it also makes you look, to put it delicately, like somewhat of a harlot. It leads a chap to think that you’ll be exchanging bodily fluids with another guy before we can even make it to the table at the restaurant on the first date. There’s a time and a place for porn and a dating site isn’t it. It’s just about the only place I DON’T wish for nudity. (well dating sites and convalescent homes). This goes double if you’re severely out of shape. Dressing sexually won’t make you more attractive if you’re in poor physical shape. Taking better care of your body will, as will having a certain degree of self respect and sophistication. There’s a reason I stopped appearing shirtless in public after developing a beer gut worthy of a 50 year old trucker.

5. Citing “meeting up for coffee” as an ideal first date

This one is quickly replacing dinner and a movie as the cliche of choice for a first date. If there’s any place I can think of that’s an inopportune location for getting to know somebody, it’s a coffee bar. Their space is drafty and ill-defined, they’re always crowded, they’re chock full of pseudo intellectuals, and they’re expensive as hell. It’s the kind of place that’s fine if you’re just going in and out to get a coffee, but you don’t want to spend any amount of time there. You’ll have no privacy and will be contending with the meaningless babble of all the other patrons in addition to the sound of weather channel style music and the constant clicking of laptop keys whenever you try to speak to your date.

Those are just a few of the disconcerting trends I’ve been seeing on dating sites. There will likely be a sequel to this article as the number of my online dating attempt failures continues to grow along with my bitterness. Now that any of you single women who might be reading this know how not to entice me with your profiles you can change them accordingly. Just think, you could be dating a fast food obsessed-26 year old-80s commercial fan who still lives with his parents and has a fear of milk. On second thought, avoiding that situation is probably why women are making their profiles like this to begin with. Fuck.

*I’ve since been informed that the Pina Colada Song isn’t by Jimmy Buffet. That doesn’t make it suck any less, so stop using it in your dating profiles.

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