Archive for February, 2010

11 Ways to be an asshole using Cheetos

February 16th, 2010

Are you constantly frustrated by your lowly position in the world? Tired of being given all the shit work by your boss or being tormented by bullies at school? Sick of seeing all the other guys get the hot girls? Pissed off at the government?

If any of the above apply to you, or if you’re just a plain douchebag, take heart. This article will tell you various ways you can get back at the world you hate so much while armed only with a bag of Cheetos and an unhealthy mind.

1. Destroy some clothing – This one I actually lifted from a Cheetos commercial in which some woman gets pissed off and somebody and throws a bag of  Cheetos into her load of whites at a laundromat.  A more effective way to do this is to just throw a pair of pants that you don’t value that much anymore into someone else’s load of laundry with a few Cheetos in the pocket. Hilarity will ensue when your victim takes their clothes out of the wash only to find them caked in orange stains and grease. This one works especially well if you’re some little bastard kid because you can always just pretend  you forgot the Cheetos were in there or didn’t know they could stain the clothes. So if you’re a kid and  you’re reading this, just remember that your generation is pretty much retarded and excessively spoiled so you might as well use that to your advantage. If your parents won’t get you that new toy you want, just throw some Cheetos in the wash and come up with some insipid excuse as to why you did it then act like you feel really bad. If you whip up enough fake tears, your parents might not only forgive you, but also even buy whatever it was you wanted in the first place. Just remember to be creative with your excuses and insincere. This is a skill you’ll need to hone not just for Cheeto related revenge, but also in the professional world when you grow up.

2. Fun with people’s principles – There are a lot of different routes you can take with this one, but for now I’ll stick with the example of vegetarians and health nazis. If you have a PETA badge carrying vegetarian friend,  scrape some of your Cheetos up against some rare meat you have handy (rare, not raw, unless you really want to be a dick about it) until they’ve taken in some of the meat juices then offer them to your earth-friendly pal. Don’t tell them what you’ve done until after they’ve eaten the Cheetos. Just sit back and watch the fun develop as they force themselves to vomit to rid their systems of the minuscule amount of meat they’ve taken in. Alternately, you can just skip the whole meat rubbing part but just tell them you did it anyway. Wait until after they’ve induced vomiting to tell them you were just pulling their leg. A variation on this would be to tell one of your health nazi friends that Cheetos have banned trans fats, then after they eat them you can reveal that no such action had really been taken.

3. Baby Surprise – This one is only feasible if you have access to a baby that isn’t your own, so I guess this is one you could do if you have to baby sit for somebody you don’t like very much. All you really need to do is take some of the ground up Cheetos, wet your hands a little bit, and rub them all over the baby’s body. The parents will come home and think it was their fault for feeding the kid too many carotine-rich foods. They’ll question their ability as parents and maybe even waste some money on a doctor’s appointment. In the meantime, they won’t be feeding junior any strained carrots. Take that Gerber!

4.  Think Different – This one’s pretty simple. Just go around smashing Cheetos into the screens, keypads, and other instruments of any Apple products you come across. This one isn’t really that much of an asshole move, because in the long run if you deprive people of Apple products you’re actually helping them. However, it would piss enough people off so it stays on the list. I don’t know if anyone will get the Apple reference I made by saying “Think Different”, but it was their old slogan. Explaining that weakens the punch of that title a little bit.

5.  Cheesy Deities- This is another pretty simple one. Take a picture of any random Cheeto you find, claim it somehow forms the image of some religious figure and put it on eBay. Some people out there are willing to believe anything and have pretty deep pockets.  Start the bidding at a high price and watch it go up and up. Use the profit you make to buy more Cheetos and repeat the process. Be a real bastard and rip off on shipping too.

6.  Does the carpet match the curtains? –  It sure as hell won’t after you’re done with it. Visit somebody who’ s just put in a new carpet, preferably light colored, and drop some Cheetos as you’re walking around in the room. Pretend you don’t see them and step on a few, making sure to crunch them as deep into the carpet as you can. This will work even better if the house belongs to somebody who lives near you and you can slip in and out of the house without being noticed. If they don’t see you, they’ll never know you did it and their kids will have to take the rap.

7.  The Chester Cheetah Enema – Are you into kinky sex or have any friends or acquaintances who are? If so,  you might want to try the Chester Cheetah enema. Simply grind up some Cheetos and put them into the enema bag along with a little bit of water and let the good times roll. The recipient of the enema will be in for a shock when they go to evacuate and realize they have a colon full of processed cheese powder.  Pretend you don’t know what happened and watch them try to sue the enema bag company. The look on the judge’s face will be priceless when he hears about the case he’s about to preside over. When they don’t win the case, you can  send them a sympathy card along with a coupon for Cheetos enclosed in it.

8.  Fun at the Movies – If you’re at a movie and you have somebody in a seat near you riding your ass about being on your cell phone, coughing too loud, or anything else, you don’t have to take that shit. Just dump an empty Cheeto bag over their head. They’ll be too busy trying to get the crumbs out of their eyes to bother bitching at you anymore and you can sit back and enjoy the movie.

9.  Ruin Somebody’s meal – There are a lot of different things you can do for this one. Just be creative and use your imagination because the sky’s the limit. If you do a really good job, the person who views your disgusting Cheeto act may come to associate whatever food they were eating with your caperings and may never be able to eat it again. This one works best around rich people, because they’ll probably be having some kind of snobby meal that they spent a lot of money on. Why should they get to dine on lobster and filet mignon when you’re stuck eating steak-ums and frozen dinners every night? Take them down a peg throw a phlegm or puss covered Cheeto their way.

10. Morbid Mayhem – Is the thought of going to an upcoming funeral getting you down? Turn that frown upside down by having a little sadistic, psychotic pleasure with the deceased. Be sure to be one of the first guests to arrive, ideally before the service is ready to begin. You’ll also want to make sure that it’s an open casket service or else your efforts will be for naught. Wait for the undertakers to come out and start talking with the immediate family then make some excuse to leave the room, like saying you have to go to the bathroom or take a call on your cellphone. Make sure the coast is clear then sneak into the viewing room. Take some Cheetos and crumble them over the clothes and wipe them on the face of the corpse. This will work especially well if the deceased has facial hair, as Cheeto crumbs are a bitch to get out of it. You can also put a Cheeto in each of their nostrils for the classic “walrus  tusk” joke.  Sneak back into the room with everyone else then wait for the viewing to begin. The funeral home will be in some hot water when they have to explain to how they wound up making the dearly departed so unpresentable for their final appearance. Just make sure you don’t have any tell-tale Cheeto powder on yourself anywhere or else you might wind up in a coffin too.

11. Cheeto Cheating Kids – Kids are stupid and most of them really like Cheetos. Try getting them to do all your bitchwork for you and telling them you’ll give them a bag of Cheetos as a reward. No matter how good of a job they do, tell them it wasn’t good enough and they haven’t earned their Cheetos. You can also put individual Cheetos onto strings and pull them away just as soon as the kid is about to reach them. You might eventually want to give them the at least a few Cheetos at some point though, or else they probably won’t come back and you won’t get to do this again.

The next time you find yourself bored on a rainy day with nothing to do, I hope you’ll remember this little guide and try out some of the tricks above. You’ve got nothing to lose and a world to gain, possibly including some prison time, but some misanthropic fun with Cheetos is always worth the risk.

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