There are a lot of words/phrases/pronunciations that annoy the hell out of me and should never be said while I am within hearing range. Just what consequences will you suffer if you violate this request? Probably none, but if you’re not careful I might end up trying to come up with a blog post about it that I abandon after I can’t get past the third or fourth sentence, so you’d best watch out.
For each phrase, I shall use the Ashton Kutcher scale of annoyingness, with 1 Ashton Kutcher representing mild annoyingness and 5 representing extreme-fucking-murderous- rage inducing annoyingness. Unfortunately when I had to transfer this site to Tumblr due to some douche hacking the original Preserve the 80s beyond control, the Ashton Kutcher pictures didn’t translate well, so you’ll have to use your imagination.
1. “Vaca” for vaction – 3 Ashton Kutchers
Nobody ever said this until about a year ago, but now everyone does. It’s only subtracting one syllable, so it’s not like it’s really saving any amount of time, it’s just adding a whole fuckload of annoyance to the listener. I don’t really know why, but for some reason it reminds me of the song “Vacation” by the GoGos which is a song that I hate more than life itself. I suppose it doesn’t make any sense since they actually say vacation correctly in the song, but I’m sure had the expression “vaca” been around back then they would’ve used it. I also despise their song “Our Lips Are Sealed”. I wish their lips were permanently sealed in cement. Once again I’m getting off on a tangent but I have Asperger Syndrome, and that’s what I do.
2. “Ant” for Aunt – 2 Ashton Kutchers
I realize this one is somewhat of a regional dialect so I guess I sort of have to let it go but I still hate it. U is a letter and must be recognized.
3. “Cue-pon” for Coupon – 2 Ashton Kutchers
You don’t call your car a “kewp”, you don’t put “cryoo-tons” on your salad, you don’t clip “cue-pons” from the newspaper. Enough said.
4. Shotgun, when used as a term of reservation – 4 Ashton Kutchers
I haven’t heard anyone say this in about 8 years, but used to hear it all the time in high school. People would say “I’ve got shotgun on those fries”, “I’ve got shotgun on that chair”, “Shotgun no blitz on that vibrator”, etc etc when they saw something they wanted and wished to lay claim to it. I’m not sure who or what was responsible for starting that trend, but if I ever find out who the originator was, they’re getting my foot up their ass.
5. “insert word: FAIL” – 3 Ashton Kutchers
This one comes from Failblog, one of the most annoying internet memes in recent memory. I don’t really know why I hate Failblog as much as I do. Being the fuck-up that I am, I should enjoy seeing others out there whose life efforts are as fruitless as mine, but instead it just pisses me off. Maybe it’s the wording, maybe it’s the popularity of the site, or maybe it’s just some other intangible quality I can’t quite put my finger on, but as Tourettes Guy would say, I hate the shit out of it.
6. “Kleenex” being used for non Kleenex facial tissue – 1 Ashton Kutcher
Kleenex isn’t the only kind of tissue out there. Give Puffs and all of the other brands the respect they deserve and call them by name. If you ever ask me for a Kleenex, be prepared to be denied unless that’s the actual brand I have within my possession.
7. Using “google” as a verb – 5 Ashton Kutchers
Google is the most overrated search engine of all time and should not become a part of our lexicon for in any form other than a noun. In my mind, to google something means to mindlessly devote yourself to it no matter how much ass it sucks. The only thing people are googling these days is google itself.
8. Saying “I itched it/myself” rather than “I scracthed it” – 3 Ashton Kutchers
This one doesn’t need much explanation. You never hear anyone who’s just painted their house say they “housed it” instead of painted it and you never hear anyone say “I girlfriended her” after they’ve banged their girlfriend. Why? Because if you use the subject of a sentence where the verb should be it makes you sound like a dumbass. Why doing that with the word itch gets a free pass I will never understand.
9. “It matters on” instead of “It depends on” – 2 Ashton Kutchers
In all my life I’ve only known one person who has said this and I haven’t seen her in well over ten years, but that annoying phrase of hers still rings in my ears on a daily basis. She was also a huge fan of Smash Mouth, so that doesn’t help her case any.
10. “Booya” – 5 Ashton Kutchers
Anyone who says this should be shot on site.
11. People blowing on babies’ stomachs- 500 Ashton Kutchers – Use your imagination, I don’t have the time/desire to find a way to fit that graphic in here
Yes, I understand that this one isn’t a figure of speech and I also understand that I limited my scale to only 5 Ashton Kutchers. However, this is the most annoying action known to mankind so I couldn’t leave it off the list. The penalty for doing this should be similar to the one for saying booya, only the shooting should be carried out in a less humane fashion.
12. “Christening” instead of Baptism – 2 Ashton Kutchers
My mom says this one all the time and I hate it.
13. Calling those small hamburgers “sliders” 1- Ashton Kutcher
I’m pretty sure that’s actually the correct terminology, but I hate it anyway. We need to come up with a new term for those. I suggest “miniature burgers”.
14. “Make Love” instead of “Have Sex”, “Bang”, “Engage in Sexual Intercourse”, or “Hot Depression Injection” (the proper term for sex with me) – 4 Ashton Kutchers
You would think in a society that is as open about and obsessed with sex as ours is, we’d be able to actually talk about sexual relations without having to resort to hackneyed and nonsensical euphamisms. There’s no such thing as “making love”, the phrase is meaningless.
15. “Sleep Together” – 5 Ashton Kutchers
Same as “make love” only even more annoying. Never say you slept with somebody unless you literally mean that you slumbered alongside them.
There are probably upwards of 1000 more items I could have added to this list, but this is pissing me off too much and I need to go to Wendy’s now to get this off of my mind. Farewell.