Do you remember the days when you’d log into your inbox and you’d see a long and complicated letter about how you’re the only surviving yet long-lost relative of some Nigerian king who has nobody to leave his millions to except for you? Do you recall reading e-mails telling you you’d won the Estonian lottery or that if you don’t read and pass along an e-mail that you’ll get ass cancer and die in 39 days?
As impractical and unrealistic as these kind of spam e-mails were, a certain amount of creativity and (albeit it very weak) mental effort was put forth to come up with these thirty second escapes from all things relevant which sadly in some cases actually worked on a select and gullible few. (At least some effort was required when the template for the form letter was made) The spammers of today are of a lazier breed than those in the golden age of spam.
Now it seems as though they don’t even care if they take anybody in or not. They no longer pay any attention to demographics or the websites you’ve visited. I’ve done a good amount of traveling in my life and I’ve watched my fair share of porn, but I can guarantee you that I’ve never once been to Vietnam or had an interest in porn featuring goats banging Vietnamese stable maids. Despite this, on a fairly regular basis I receive spam promising access to just that and for only pennies a day.
I also get e-mails on a daily basis from the URI alumni association (I never attended URI), petitions from pro choice groups telling me now is the time to protect my body and ensure my right to an abortion (I don’t possess a vagina), senior discounts for various online stores, notifications of $500 shopping sprees to Victoria’s Secret that I’ve supposedly won, and offers for merchandise about various sports teams that I don’t give a rat’s ass about. (I’ve never watched a Cleveland Browns game, never cared about the Kansas City Royals, and never even knew about the Ft. Wayne Mad Ants).
As sad and puzzling as these demographically misguided spams are, there are others that are far more pathetic and project a true lack of effort and heart on the part of the spammers of today. These include the ones where the subject line is something like “Hey suga wanna huk up?” or “Local girls want you to fuck their brains out tonight!”. As much as I’d like to believe it, I’m pretty sure the latter isn’t true and even if it were, an e-mail that has a subject line but is otherwise blank isn’t exactly going to help me get to this supposed fantasy fuck fest. Then you have the ones that will just say something like “Miley Cyrus nude Paris Hilton shoves telephone booth ass New Jersey english muffin dildo NASA predicts lunar changes cellophane tape football jersey applesauce horny schoolgirl Uganda Ted Bundy wood glue!” These ones are computer generated and the lack of human touch shows.
I don’t want to live in a cold lonely world where I can only receive unwanted e-mails that are of no use to me through machines rather than straight from the greasy fingers of some poor fat, bespectacled, hygiene lacking, socially unskilled (even compared to me) real live pathetic Internet user unsuccessfully attempting to con me out of money I don’t have. Where’s the love in that? Get off your asses, or more correctly, on them, and start sending us real live spam again or just give it up.
PS: I already realize the irony of the fact that I wrote this article about being pissed off by spammers yet most of my comments are from spambots, so don’t bother pointing it out.