Archive for August, 2009

A few more commercials I hate

August 13th, 2009

I’ve written a bit in this blog about some commercials I despise, but so far I haven’t dedicated an entire post to it. Having little else to do with my time, I shall now expound upon a few of my most hated commercials.

Axe Deodorant- I hate all of the Axe commercials. They all feature some douche bag guy/guys striking out with women, then using their product and finding it’s the biggest aphrodisiac since a fat wallet, box of chocolates, and a ten inch cock. The saddest part is, apparently this marketing campaign must be working because the commercials have followed this same basic premise for the past five years or so.

Pimply faced young dumbasses by the thousands must be flocking to their local Walgreens to buy this in hopes that it’ll help them get laid, but it never will. As a guy who women have been finding repulsive for more than a quarter of a century, I speak with some authority on this subject – it doesn’t matter what brand of deodorant you use, if you don’t have money, good looks, personality, a nice car, trendy clothes, etc you aren’t going to get laid. End of discussion. Damn you Axe for building false hopes in the naive and stupid.

Yogurt (not sure which brand) – The fact that this series of yogurt commercials sticks in my mind enough to annoy me, yet not enough to allow me to remember what brand of yogurt it’s for pretty well illustrates how much ass it sucks. I really don’t need to say anything more about it than that, but I’m going to. The commercials I’m talking about are the ones that feature that vapid looking douche and his bitchy wife who always refers to him as “babe”. One of the two assholes is always on the phone with somebody talking about eating various seemingly fatty desserts whilst being on a diet. Over the course of the commercial, it’s always revealed that they’re not talking about the actual desserts, but rather low fat yogurts that have the flavor of the desserts. I can’t decide if I hate the guy or his wife more, both of them are more intolerable to me than not being the center of attention is for Brad Pitt… which brings me to the next commercial I hate.

I don’t know if I’m getting the title of this movie right (and I don’t really care) but I think it’s called Glorious Bastards. It’s another multi hour shitfest churned out by Quentin Tarrentino and I’ve been seeing commercials for it non-stop as of late and I’m getting pretty tired of them. The movie stars Brad Pitt, who is among my very most hated of celebrities. The commercials for the movie seem to indicate that it is a comedy based around army officers trying to kill Nazis during World War II.

One especially annoying scene that seems to be in all of the trailers for the movie is a guy playing Hitler saying “Nein nein nein!” then Brad motherfucking-i love myself-i get to fuck angelina jolie and you don’t-i have a goatee that makes me look like even more of an asshole Pitt says “Oh yes yes yes”. I don’t know why that scene annoys me so much, but it does. If a commercial for this movie comes on again tonight and I see it, something or somebody is going to pay, and that’s a promise.

“Truth” anti tobacco ads – If there existed a place where the inhabitants were forced to spend all day changing old people’s depends using only their teeth while simultaneously being slashed by razor blades and having acid poured all over their bodies, I’d rather spend a week there than sit through a truth anti tobacco commercial. We all know smoking is bad for us. We don’t need to watch film-school style commercials filled with young hipsters annoying tobacco companies and spouting off statistics to tell us that.

It’s like watching some combination of an low budget educational video and a Tom Green sketch. Every time I see one of these commercials, I get the uncontrollable urge to drive to Cumberland Farms and buy two cartons of Marlboros. One would be for myself, and the other would be to open up and toss cigarettes out to all the kids I see on my way home. Quitting smoking is always a good thing, but if anyone ever quits because of these commercials, I sincerely hope they start again because their lives are not ones that should be lengthened.

Well there you have it, a small sample of some of the commercials that piss me off. Try watching them for a while and you’ll become just as bitter and angry as me.

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Slow days in the office

August 12th, 2009

Book Guy: Would you like something to read? Big Bird: Do you have any issues of Self Magazine?

Book cart guy: Would you like something to read?

Big Bird: So cold… Book cart guy: Would you like something to read? Big Bird: Get the hell out of here!

big bird in prison shower, being raped by snuffy

Book cart guy: Would you like something to read? Big Bird: Fuck your books, I’m being raped! Snuffy: Rub a dub dub BITCH!


When the business isn’t coming in, pictures of Big Bird in prison are made.

In each drawing, the guy with the cart says “Would you like something to read?”

In the first drawing, Big Bird asks “Do you have any issues of Self Magazine?”

In the second drawing, Big Bird doesn’t reply.

In the third drawing, Big Bird first says “So cold…” then “Get the hell out of here!”

In the last drawing, Snuffy’s visit to Big Bird goes horribly awry and prison rape ensues. Snuffy says “Rub a dub dub BITCH!” and when asked if he wants something to read, Big Bird replies “Fuck your books, I’m being raped!”

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