Archive for July, 2009

Trying to keep positive

July 22nd, 2009

With life throwing gallon upon gallon of shit at me as of late, I’ve decided I’m going to make an effort to have a positive outlook (an undertaking that is by no doubt doomed to failure). In that spirit, I’ve been trying to focus on the bright side as of late and attempting to find some things are going well both in the news and in my personal life. Here’s what I’ve come up with:

Jack in the Box plans for national expansion, beginning next year. Even though predictably enough, New England will be the last region to get a Jack in the Box, they do still plan to come here, most likely before the end of the next decade. Though it’s no Carl’s Jr, Whataburger, or In N Out, Jack in the Box is still head and shoulders above McDonald’s and Burger King.

The incontinence rate at Groton Regency Center has gone down for the past 3 consecutive years. This is a claim any convalescent home would be proud to boast. In 2006, they had a rate of 60%, which went down to 49% in ‘07, an at the end of last year, it stood at an impressive 29%. Unless you happen to work for the company that makes Depends, that little tidbit of news has to put a bit more bounce into your step.

Lots of people are complaining about how much Bruno sucked. I now feel validated in writing my anti Brunopost.

I’m listed on some website as being better than Pete Wentz. I don’t know who Pete Wentz is or why someone thinks I’m better than him, but it’s something to feel less melancholy about.

The guy in front of me in line at Adams almost dropped a jar of jelly but managed to catch it before it could hit the ground. In doing so he either saved himself about $3 or a jelly-less week. (depending on whether or not he’d have bought another jar to replace the broken one)

If you too take the time to count your blessings, some day you may get to be as cheerful and well adjusted as I am. May God help you if that happens.

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Hoverounds are the most badass of all mobility devices

July 13th, 2009

Hoveround. The name brings to the mind images of the elderly visiting the Grand Canyon, going to baseball games, out shopping, or just kicking back and relaxing in their backyards. Truly, Hoverounds make you free to see the world.

I know there are a lot of power chairs out there, but none top the Hoveround. Larks, Rascals, those ones at Wal Mart, and “Scooter Store” power chairs are nothing but a joke. Their lack of speed, poorly designed shape and lackluster advertising make them the animal bi products in the hot dog that is the power chair market.

Hoverounds are round for a reason. Their round shape allows for better manueverability in making turns and getting around obstacles. They are now capable of speeds up to 7.5 miles per hour, while the closest competitor barely breaks the 5mph barrier. At that speed, you’re not going to get to the last empty slot machine at the casino my friends.

The dedication of Hoveround’s staff is second to none. They handle all the paperwork for you and also come to your house to deliver the Hoveround personally. They teach you the ins and outs of how it works and make sure you have it down cold before they leave.

I may not be a senior citizen yet, but this doesn’t mean I can’t see Hoverounds for the wonders that they are. As soon as I’m able, you best believe I’ll be a Hoveround user and I hope you will be too.

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To hell with Wikipedia – a Slappy White tribute

July 7th, 2009

Many of you may not know who Slappy White is, but let me assure you that after Watson Nuhn, he is the greatest comedian of all time. While he may not be all that relevant to the 80s, he still deserves a song and a shout. He does have a page on Wikipedia, but the admins on there took down the quote section, which was the best part. One can’t help but both pity and hate Wikipedia administrators. They’re the only people on Earth more pathetic than I am. They just sit around all day with their thumbs up their asses nitpicking and undoing other people’s contributions. Enough about them though, they have no place in a Slappy White tribute. Without any further ado, I will now post Mr White’s greatest quotes.

“… and so the black man said to God… Lord why is my skin this dark?” “… and the Lord replied My Son, it is so that the intense sun in Africa will not burn you” “… and then he said Lord, why is my head covered with large mass of kinky hair?” “… and the Lord replied My Son that is so that the mosquitoes and other insects in Africa cannot bite your head” “… so this Black dude says … Then God, why am I in Detroit?”

“I went into a new barbershop in my neighborhood and told the brother, “Give me that Afro look”. Well, I fell asleep in the chair. And when I woke up, I had a bone in my booty.“

“I’ve heard people call mayonnaise all kinds of different things. The white folks like to call it “mayo” and black folks call it “slopple slather”. Let’s just agree to disagree and call it NAISE!“

“One morning I went into a diner for breakfast and ordered some pancakes. The waitress asked me if I wanted Jiffy Mix pancakes or Bisquick pancakes. I said ‘I’m black fool! I want the Jiffy Mix!’”

“Once on an island there was a strawberry, and apple, and an orange. They saw a genie and the genie said that each one could have a wish granted. The apple wished to get off the island, the orange wished for a new car, and the strawberry wished for some damn booty!”

“Hey you with the pompadour! Down in front!”

“You know back in the 40s, a brother couldn’t always get into a classy strip joint. Sometimes, we just had to peel our bananas and throw pennies at them!”

“You know what? There’s an owl outside my house that hoots all night. An owl! I ain’t been gettin’ any sleep for days. Tomorrow night I’m going to moon it. I bet it won’t hoot no more!”

“Wake up, go to sleep, wake up, go to sleep, wake up, go to sleep, that’s the daily grind!”

“What I like about blue jeans… is the fact that they’re simple. You put them on, you take them off, put ’em back on. There’s not room for much confusion!”

“Three things I can’t live without – jail, bail, and ginger ale!”

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As if there weren’t enough misery in the world already

July 6th, 2009

Last week I was on youtube and saw a banner ad for something called Bruno.

At the time, I remember looking at that and thinking it looked like a piece of shit, and it left my mind soon afterward. Unfortunately, it soon re-entered my consciousness as I was watching tv a few nights ago and saw a trailer for it. Though the title of the movie is Bruno, it may as well be called Borat 2 as it has the same premise as the first Borat movie – Sasha Cohen playing a Eurasian guy who doesn’t wear much clothing and pretending that he’s gay. This apparently is his calling card though, as even outside of movies he pretty much does the same act. This is supported further by his surprise landing, for lack of better phrasing, on Eminem. Since it turns out that was actually staged by Eminem himself, I guess there will be at least one person who will enjoy Bruno.

Nothing about Borat was funny. They took one annoying joke and stretched it out for two hours and it looks like Bruno is going to do the same thing. It boggles my mind that anyone went to the first movie and actually enjoyed it, though I suppose I can accept the fact that not everyone shares my opinion of what is amusing and what isn’t. What I can’t accept is that some asshole movie producer decided they’d rip America off by showing the exact same movie again and having the balls to charge people to see it.

The fact that even one college graduate is unemployed while Cohen becomes a multi millionaire by making these pathetic excuses for movies makes me feel like I’m going to vomit like a vomit fetishist’s significant other at a vomit fetish event. I guess my simile well is running dry tonight, but my dislike of Sasha Cohen and his work springs eternal.

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