Archive for April, 2009

Some random depressing facts

April 29th, 2009

1. The national life expectancy is on the rise and the population growth shows no sign of stopping

2. The most popular infant name last year was jacob.

3. I’m 25 and am still living at home. The only house I can afford to buy would have fisher price stamped on the back of it.

4. Connecticut has the highest cigarette tax rate in the nation.

5. People are still using “google” as a verb.

6. I couldn’t do the post I wanted to about my 15 year old relish jar because for one reason or another the picture wouldn’t upload.

7. Nobody seems to buy York Peppermint Patties anymore

8. Krispy Kreme is not expected to survive 2009.

9. Supposedly it’s going to be 95 degrees some time this week.

10. Kmart is now owned by Sears. True, Kmart still exists, but in name only.

11. I’m writing this blog

12. You’re reading it.

13. I’ve never bowled better than a 196.

14. Sarah Michelle Gellar is pregnant.

15. Geo and Datsun vehicles are no longer in production.

16. The Jehova’s witness people who came to my house this evening were just mailing it in. They didn’t even manage to annoy me.

17. Olives are actually a fruit and not a vegetable.

18. The walkers without wheels in front are slowly being phased out.

19. Guam didn’t naturally have any snakes, but people brought them over. Now it has the highest snake per square mile ratio of anywhere in the world.

20. I’m not going to bother with #20. Things don’t always have to end in 0 or 5.

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A word on proper sandwich construction

April 26th, 2009

One thing that I abhor is when I go to a restaurant and order a sandwich or burger and when I receive it, I find that the lettuce/tomatoes etc are put under the meat rather than on top of it. This is becoming increasingly common and it’s most annoying. When I mention this, some people tell me I should just suck it up and turn said sandwich or burger upside down. To hell with that. Why should I have to adapt? Everyone knows that if you put the toppings under the main part of a sandwich it throws off the texture and makes the bottom half of the roll/lower piece of bread wet and hard to hold on to. For the unenlightened, I will now describe the correct way to construct a sandwich. For this example, let’s say that you’re trying to decide how you want your burger fixed. Here’s how it should go, starting from the bottom up:

1. Lower Portion of the Roll, 2. the meat patty 3. a generous amount of bacon 4. lettuce (use iceberg by the way instead of romaine, unless you like the taste of old bed sheets), 5. onion slices 6. pickles, 7. tomatoes, 8. the top half of the roll.

The next time you go out for a sandwich and you find the topping below the meat, tell the waitress/waiter to take it back to the kitchen and have the cook make it again. Never settle for an incorrect sandwich. Ever.

Speaking of restaurant related topics, I am quite displeased that Ruby Tuesday now exclusively serves their burgers on whole grain rolls. You used to get a choice of whole grain or white, but I guess those days are over. What the fuck is wrong with white bread? That’s what I want to know. Wherever I go lately, I see whole grain shit being served where one once would have seen traditional white bread/buns/dinner rolls. The damn health nazis are trying to take away our right to choose and are forcing us to eat their wretched whole grain products. If I wanted to make my bread gritty and unappetizing, I’d have asked for it to be made with sand mixed into the dough.

I also hate it when I’m waiting in line at a fast food place and I see parents order kid’s meals with milk and apple slices (McDonalds/Burger King) or milk with mandarin oranges (Wendy’s). Every time this happens, I die a little inside.

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Route 349 disappointment

April 25th, 2009

I recently had a bit of a disappointment while driving on route 349, otherwise known as the Clarence B Sharp Memorial Highway in Groton.

I suppose I should first explain why I was there. Years ago, I read a website that discussed in great detail every numbered public route within Connecticut. As I was reading through the site, I eventually got to a section on route 349. Toward the end of the section, the author mentioned that at the southern terminus of the road, there was a sign that said “ END 349”. I found this to be highly impressive and knew that I had to see it for myself.

Though I’d planned to go there as soon as possible, I kept putting it off until last week (around 7 years after reading the site) I finally made it out to Groton to see the aforementioned sign. Eagerly, I got into my car and made the 30 minute trip to Groton, got off exit 87, and braced myself for what would surely be the most thrilling event of the year.

It took about 10 minutes to drive the entire length of 349 and the whole time I was filled with excited anticipation of the sign that awaited me at the road’s end. When I finally got there, I was in for a gut-wrenching shock – there was no END 349 sign to be found.

I pulled over and let the shock sink in for a moment. I began to think that maybe I had remembered the details incorrectly and maybe the END 349 sign was at the northern terminus rather than the southern one. I turned around to go back to the other end of 349 but sadly there was no such sign to be found. This was a crushing blow, but I cannot say the trip was a complete loss as it enabled me to stop at Norm’s Diner and have some of the best pancakes I’ve had in a while, but I’m still reeling a bit from the disappointment I experienced that day on route 349.

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I hated Home Improvement

April 19th, 2009

I was watching tv today and as I was going through the channels, I noticed a rerun of Home Improvement was on. After watching about 30 seconds of it, I remembered how much I hated this half hour shitfest that was thrown at us once a week by ABC in the 90s.

I despised every single character on this show, with the exception of Al. I only liked Al because he seemed to hate the other characters as much as I did. Sometimes I’d watch the show and hope Al would eventually get tired of holding back his frustration with Tim, go apeshit, and make everyone pay the price. Alas, this never happened and that’s why I hate Home Improvement.

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Truly, Fruit Wheats were the “IN” Cereal

April 18th, 2009

Fruit Wheats are the IN Cereal

Take a look at the above link. You will not be disappointed. As the title of this post would lead one to believe, the link is to a Fruit Wheats commercial that has been posted on youtube.

Between 1987, when Fruit Wheats were introduced, and 1993, when they were discontinued, Nabisco truly blessed us with the finest cereal ever known to mankind. Whether you went with strawberry, apple, or raisin, you just couldn’t go wrong. Getting out of bed in the morning was a little easier when you knew that Fruit Wheats awaited you in the kitchen cabinet.

Fruit wheats didn’t need cartoon characters, marshmallows, or bonus prizes to entice the consumer – they were the perfect breakfast option in and of themselves. Since around 1993, I’ve felt rather nauseous every morning and very rarely am able to eat before noon, so breakfast isn’t much of a factor in my life these days. Could it be a change in metabolism, or could it be that my system just wasn’t meant to function in a Fruit Wheatless world?

Not only were Fruit Wheats the most badass of badass cereals, they also had one of the greatest commercials of all time. If you’re not impressed by the commercial linked to earlier in this post, a part of you must not be human. How can one not marvel at such a catchy tune, enthusiastic actors/actresses, and the masterful use of stop motion photography all displayed within this 30 vacation from the drudgery of life? Put simply, it is not possible.

Sadly, commercials such as this one are now a thing of the past. In the 80s, I preferred commercials to the actual shows that were on television. Fortunately, I’ve managed to secure several vhs tapes and dvds of 80s commercials, so I can view them whenever I want. Lamentably, this is not an option for most folks and my heart goes out to them. Commercials of today do not deserve to be mentioned in the same sentence as 80s commercials. (Though apparently I just did it… fuck me.)

Commercials that are on tv today are about as enjoyable as waking up after an evening with Michael Jackson and NyQuil milkshakes.

There’s one commercial in particular that I hate more than any of the others. This particular ad is for Listerine’s new “less intense” citrus flavored mouthwash. It starts out with some yuppie-ish looking woman (who from here on will be referred to as Queen Bitch) comes into her unrealistically immaculate house with some groceries and greets her equally intolerable family.

She comes into the house and everybody is inside acting like they’re so fucking functional and normal, waving their stability in my face and looking down at me because I wear flannel, have a beer gut, and nobody ever buys me Listerine…. but I digress. Getting back to the commercial- Queen Bitch addresses her family, saying “Hi honey, I picked up that dessert you like and oh- I also got us some new citrus flavored Listerine!”

At this point, her husband and the two little bastards she expelled from her poison womb approximately 7-10 years erstwhile all run and hide. One of them goes into a cabinet, another hides behind a light fixture, and I can’t be bothered to remember what the other douche did.

Once again acting like the all knowing voice of reason and stability, Queen Bitch says, “Relax, it’s less intense.” Upon hearing this, the rest of the family comes out of hiding and mumbles incomprehensibly, indicating that they don’t feel the need to hide from a bottle of Listerine, provided that it is of a lesser intensity.

I could go on for hours describing more of what I hate about this commercial, but the end result would probably be me having a stroke. Aside from that, I don’t really feel like typing anymore because my frozen bagels are just about done thawing and I’m mildly looking forward to toasting them. I’ll close by vowing to never use any Listerine product again and will devote my mouthwash loyalty to Plax, Act, or possibly a store brand. I strongly urge that you do the same. Together, we can stop commercials like this from ever being made again.

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Greetings

April 17th, 2009

This is my first time using a wordpress blog. I am not 100% certain of what I shall ultimately put in here, but I hope you, the reader, will enjoy perusing through the various events I shall relate within this website and will feel better when you leave knowing that you are not me. If you like 80s commercials, fast food, or just need something to do whilst waiting for the eternal embrace of the grave, this blog shall help you pass the time.

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