The most annoying commercials of 2015

June 14th, 2015

It wasn’t until just now as I type this that I came to realize that both of the first two posts since bringing this site back online have been about commercials. That’s not intentional nor a new theme, but if it were, it’d be a pretty damn good one if I do say so myself.

Anyway, with the year nearly halfway over, we’ve had no shortage of commercials that have blown more ass than a gay Dizzy Gillespie. As usual, a lot of these commercials have been car commercials. Car commercials have always had a special ability to be irritating on many levels. They manage to pressure, guilt, nag, brag, and lie all at the same time. They’re also a constant reminder that I drive a car that would have to grow ten pairs of balls just to become a pussy mobile.

The first annoying 2015 car commercial I’ll cover is for the Mazda MX-5 Miata. If you own a tv, you’ve already seen this shit show.  Because I’m bitter about how my life turned out and I want you to suffer too, I’m including it here anyway.

 

This is one of those commercials that is sappier than the crust you find on a poorly cleaned syrup container at IHOP. It so desperately tries to tug at the heartstrings and be deep and meaningful, yet comes off as excessively sugary and condescending. It contains a rambling attempt at a poem of sorts with several unimpressive lines. The goal is to show some douche going through the various stages of life and trying to link cars, specifically Mazdas, to each step of his development.

It features a sickly and perverted looking guy with red hair whose life is nothing more than a giant cliche. If his life story were any more hackneyed and stereotypical, he’d have been birthed through a cookie cutter and not a vagina. Most people have a little more originality than what Mazda gives them credit for. That’s probably becasue Mazda cars completely lack innovation and are bland, boring, and tired. When’s the last time Mazda came out with a badass car that everyone wanted? Never, that’s when.

This commercial fails to account for all the people out there who don’t manage to hit every single milestone/want to hit said specific milestones. This is the type of commercial that appeals to people who watch Lifetime movies, needlessly adopt gluten-free diets, and strive to adopt every new phrase/expression that hits the mainstream. “It’s my/that’s the jam” is a good example of such a phrase. How I fucking hate it when people say that. Unless you’re talking about a jar of Smucker’s in your possession, then nothing is your jam.

This commercial is almost as bad as the long-running series of commercials Mazda used to have featuring some pale little shit who looked like a young Butch Patrick with gonnorhea. He’d say “zoom zoom” and then some bullshit song would start playing consisting of no word other than zoom. Fuck I hated those.

The next commercial I’ll piss and moan about is a new advertisement by State Farm. Back in the 80s, State Farm had some of the best commercials in the game. That’s why it’s not only annoying but just flat out depressing how bad their commercials are now. Here’s the one we’ll be discussing in this article:

This one has a similar theme to the Mazda commercial in that we have another mindless drone living a life more formulaic than a Seth MacFarlane series. This guy is such a fucking pussy he makes me look like Charles Bronson. He walks around like he’s the catch of the day, always enjoying himself and being a smug jizz rag. He keeps claiming there’s all these things he won’t do (always preceded by “I’m never ___”), but then pussies out and does all of them. At the end of the commercial, he looks at his sleeping wife and two brat kids and wistfully says “I’m never letting go.”

This is supposed to be the big awww moment where we’re all touched and start thinking that State Farm is all heart and will always be there for us. What this really says is that State Farm believes in lying and betraying every single thing you say. That’s not really what I want my insurance company to espouse. I want my insurance company to shut the fuck up and leave me alone. That’s why I chose to go with Traveler’s. They keep their mouths shut and insure without trying and failing to be comical or endearing. Instead of insurance, this should be a commercial for tampons.

Is this the kind of guy women really want? Prickish college frat guy types who beneath their douche exterior are spineless and so whippable you don’t even have to break out the whip? I guess so, or at least that’s the kind of guy women who are insured by State Farm want. If that’s what it takes to attract a mate, then I’ll gladly continue dating my hand.

The next commercial is probably my most hated one that’s on tv right now. It’s a commercial showing some sort of instant payment application, but I can’t remember what company it’s for. That’s lucky for you, because it means I can’t add the video to this post and that saves you from having to see it.

This commercial starts out with a trendy suburban looking family getting ready to board an airplane to take a vacation. I think the wife then asks the husband if he remembered to pay their dog sitter and he turns on his phone to check, saying he needs to do it before they leave the airport, since they may not get service on “the island”. This declaration is met by panic on the part of his two ugly kids. His choppy-haired junior hipster looking son screams, “No service?!?!” and his bitch daughter says, “Seriously?” in one of the most annoying voices I’ve ever heard. “Seriously” is another one of those overused expressions that I can’t go five seconds without hearing. It’s not witty, it’s not a comeback, it’s not anything but obnoxious.

The two kids then panic because they think they may have to talk to each other, but fortunately we never learn what happens because the commercial mercifully ends before we’re stuck having to see/hear any more from them. Kids shouldn’t be allowed to have cell phones or any sort of mobile device. This symbiosis with microtechnology is bad enough with adults, but when kids are raised with it they’ll have no chance of any kind of independent thought or ability to do anything that doesn’t involve a phone/tablet. Plus kids are too fucking spoiled and bratty anyway. They don’t deserve these devices. They just need a good old fashioned kick in the ass and a shut-the-hell-up whack across the face.

This is how the commercial would go if I were the director:

Wife: “Did you pay the dog sitter yet mother fucker? You haven’t gotten wood in 8 years and I have to use a Hobart mixer to get off, but can I at least depend on you to pay for shit on time?”

Husband: “Fuck you bitch, I’ll pay for it by phone. Try shaving your ass once per decade and maybe I’ll stop being impotent. Then again I hope you don’t, because then we’ll risk having more of these worthless shit kids. Oh by the way kids, speaking of you, there will be NO FUCKING SERVICE on the island. Deal with it or stay at the airport and get kidnapped.”

Son: “No service?”

Father: “Yes you ugly little fuck, no service. Get a haircut or I’ll disown you.”

Daughter: “Seriously?”

Father and Mother, after bitch slapping either side of their daughter’s face: “WE FUCKING TOLD YOU NEVER TO USE THAT EXPRESSION!”

Ticket Agent: Hey, can I join the party?

Voiceover: Shut the fuck and buy our products or go to hell.

That commercial would be so good it would qualify as porn. Why am I writing this worthless article instead of getting paid to make kickass commercials like that one?

 

There’s a new series of commercials for Kentucky Fried Chicken being aired now that I abhor. They feature a revival of Colonel Sanders, which, if done correctly, would have been a great premise. Instead, they swing and miss in a big way and the result is completely intolerable, as you can see by playing the following video:

 

This guy has none of the Colonel’s attitude, presence, or general badassery. Making it worse is that the actor in the commercial isn’t even old. He’s very obviously a young guy wearing makeup and a hairpiece to look old, kind of like that Mr Six guy who used to be in the Six Flags commercials. This one is much more obvious though. He doesn’t even do a good job of sounding old. He just sounds like a young asshole with a sore throat.

Harland Sanders gave this Earth one of its greatest treasures. Kentucky Fried Chicken isn’t a simple meaningless title. It is a mark of dignity and integrity, a priceless item of Americana. His innovations have immensely improved the world and we owe him a debt of gratitude that can never be repaid. In addition to being the pioneer behind KFC, Col Sanders also taught Dave Thomas everything he knew about running a restaurant and building chains. Without the Colonel, we’d also never have Wendy’s. To disrespect a man so great by having him portrayed on camera by an asshat like this guy is blasphemy and completely beyond forgiveness.

The last set of commercials I’d like to briefly go over are ones that concern a campaign by Friendly’s. I’m not sure why they’re still making commercials, because I don’t know where any remaining Friendly’s locations are (if there even are any.) Friendly’s has/had pretty good food, but never was known for great commercials. The newest ones though are poor even by their standards. All of them spout out a few empty phrases and then show people stuffing ice cream and toppings into their mouths and getting it all over their faces. It’s fucking disgusting and not something that I want to associate with food.

The actors/actresses end up with melted ice cream smeared all over their faces and happily giggling like a bunch of drooling idiots. It kind of reminds me of this Duncan Hines commercial that was on in the mid-80s. Everyone would scream “deluxious” (that’s not a typing error, it was what they said instead of delicious) and they’d do so with their mouths full of chewed up cake. It was revolting and I thought I’d never have to see it again. Thanks for opening old wounds Friendly’s.

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Childhood lessons I learned from cereal commercials

June 11th, 2015

Do you remember the days when a cereal could be marketed to kids without parents’ groups going apeshit about it and demanding the government stop it? This was back in the days when parents actually got off their asses and did actual parenting and had the balls to say no to their kid if they asked for something they weren’t supposed to have. It was also before everyone was obsessed with health food and trying to do whatever they could to stretch out their miserable meaningless lives by a year or two.

If anyone lived through the 80s and to a lesser extent the 90s, then they were witness to a shitload of cereal commercials on a daily basis. This was especially true during kids’ programming such as Saturday morning cartoon blocks. The characters that were included in these commercials are no longer allowed to appear in cereal commercials today because supposedly they made kids want sugary breakfast foods. Damndest thing though, because now that they’re gone, kids are fatter than ever before and twice as stupid.

The way I look at it, the danger of these commercials and the colorful characters they contained was not the fact that the wares they hawked were bad for health (if consumed in mass quantities). The danger was that every one of these commercials had recurring plot lines that looked innocent on the surface, but lurking beneath were some dark and dangerous values which we subconsciously picked up and in some cases have continued to apply throughout our lives.

Beloved characters such as the Trix rabbit, Lucky the leprechaun, Tony the tiger, Sonny (Coco Puffs bird), and nearly anyone who appeared in Eggo or Pops commercials seemed innocent enough. After all, they were our friends and just wanted us to have a balanced breakfast. When one looks deeper into these ads, it seems they wanted to balance our breakfasts with black hearts and machiavellian principles that threatened to turn every one of us into a ticking time bomb.

Let’s start out with Tony the tiger, the world-famous mascot of Frosted Flakes. Here’s a typical commercial featuring him:

This seems well-meaning enough at first glance. Taken at face value, one would say that this commercial teaches the importance of eating a good breakfast if you want to have the energy to perform athletically. Look into it a little bit more deeply and you’ll see the following lessons being taught, which are prominent in nearly every Frosted Flakes commercial from that era.

  1. Everyone in the world is an asshole except for weak people who haven’t yet had breakfast
  2. Everyone has gigantic balls, as taunting a person who has a tiger for a friend doesn’t scare them
  3. If you pull of just a few athletic moves, you’ll win the respect of someone who previously hated and mocked you.

Now put these all together and what message do you get? First off, we learn that it’s okay to prey on the weak and bully whoever you want until they do something that impresses you. We also learn that it’s not dangerous to piss off tigers, as the worst they’ll do is tell you to wait until they’ve had some cereal and then they’ll make you put whatever you said in your pipe and smoke it. Additionally, we’re taught that the only thing you need to do to gain respect is make one single sports play successfully, even if it’s not a particularly outstanding one. No wonder I was such a misfit as a kid.

Next up are the deceptively innocent Trix commercials, such as this one:

We all remember the Trix rabbit. He’d always have some half-baked scheme to try to get his beloved cereal which would always fall short. The kids were stupid as hell, because every costume that he wore did a very poor job of concealing his identity. Regardless, the kids never realized it was him until he fucked up and had a Trix orgasm, causing his costume to fall apart and exposing his ruse. If the rabbit could afford to buy these elaborate costumes, then why didn’t he just buy the Trix instead of bumming them off stupid kids who obviously hated him? Going beneath the surface, here are the lessons we come away with:

  1. Rabbits are fucking stupid
  2. Kids are even more stupid
  3. Wasting money is the way to get what you want
  4. You’ll fail no matter what you try, so just give up now
  5. Never ask for a favor. Try to trick someone into doing one for you

All of this aside, there seems to be a separate even darker message behind these Trix commercials. Did you ever notice how happy the kids were when they denied the rabbit his Trix and then ate their own? The message here seems to be that the value of Trix lies not in the taste of the cereal, but in the taste of you having it and knowing someone else who wants it can’t. Everything is more appealing when you can’t have it right? Chow down you chubby little shits and bask in the glory of having something that others cannot. Silly rabbit, Trix are for pricks.

Lucky Charms

Perhaps the cruelest of all of the cereal sponsored dogma revolves around the character of Lucky the leprechaun and his cereal, Lucky Charms. Here’s a fairly typical video of his struggles:

Lucky’s life consists of two main things: toting around boxes of cereal and having said boxes of cereal stolen from him by kids. Like the Trix rabbit, he’s a tragic character who can just never win and nobody ever cuts him a break. This commercial is probably even worse than most, as he gets so tantalizingly close to making his escape and enjoying his cereal. Poor coordination gets him in the end as he drops the Lucky Charms and the little runts below get to enjoy the new marshmallow he’s just created. Let’s recap some of the messages preached:

  1. Not only is it acceptable to make fun of midgets, it’s also profitable
  2. Don’t work for a living or bother buying your own things. It’s easier to steal them from someone else.
  3. Whenever possible, swoop in and take the benefits from the creations of others. I guess Mark Zuckerberg must have liked Lucky Charms as a kid.
  4. Irish people are pushovers who may try to run, but will never defend themselves.

Maybe this is why midget porn is so expensive. I mean consider the laws of supply and demand. There’s an ample amount of these commercials floating around, but a relative dearth of media that makes midgets appear powerful and/or attractive. Lucky should give up the cereal for the taco. At least then he’d be getting lucky on a regular basis and therefore he could finally live up to his name.

Corn Pops

Before health nazis got going and Kellogg’s decided to puss out, Corn Pops were called Sugar Pops. They still should be, because they taste more like sugar than they do like corn. I don’t have the confidence to eat corn on the cob, but if I did, I doubt it would remind me of Corn Pops. Caramel covered popcorn on the other hand always does. Anyway, here’s a Corn Pops commercial that we’ll examine and dissect after viewing:

As is the case with most Corn Pops commercials, this one follows a simple formula. It starts with someone wanting Corn Pops. Then they discover that someone else has either eaten or moved them. They then start getting paranoid and accusatory toward everyone else in their vicinity. They tell themselves to stay calm, but invariably go apeshit. Once they finally lose their cool, the Pops somehow are either replaced, found, or replenished. To the untrained eye, this is a happy ending. Dig a little deeper with me and you’ll see the dark cloud which overshadows the silver lining. This is what these commercials taught us:

  1. Nobody else has a right to eat until you’ve had what you wanted
  2. It’s impossible to control your emotions so don’t even try to.
  3. It’s beneath you to go out and buy your own Pops
  4. Just lose control and go apeshit and you’ll get whatever you want
  5. Once your tantrum is ended by receiving the object of your desire, suddenly act calm and pretend it never happened. This will allow you to save face.

(Technically not a cereal) Eggo Waffles

Next up are the time-tested “L’eggo my eggo” commercials. When I saw these in the 80s, I never understood that “l’eggo” was intended to be a humorous contraction of “let go of”. I thought they were referring to the lego toy building blocks and never understood the connection. By the time I was around 6 or 7 I realized what they were talking about, but still hated the portmanteau applied. Take a look at this one and enjoy it before I tear it a new asshole and ruin it for you:

This guy just wants some frozen waffles. He’s either too poor, lazy, pressed for time, or bad at cooking to make real waffles. Therefore he has to scale down his dreams and settle for Eggos. He still seems happy enough at the prospect of having them though. Knowing he can’t trust the traitors in his family, he goes to great lengths to have his Eggos at unlikely times and in unlikely places. Of course, this is doomed to failure. One may laugh at this commercial, but when the underlying themes come to light, it’s very sobering and anything but comical. These are the life lessons one takes away from this commercial:

  1. Never trust anyone, even, or perhaps especially, your own family.
  2. People are like sharks. They’re all just hiding out and waiting for their opportunity to spring out and devour what belongs to you.
  3. Proper grammar is unimportant. Teach your kids incorrect contractions. Then again maybe it is important. This way you can punish them by setting them up for poor academic performance and a bleak financial future. Serves the little shits right for taking your waffles, doesn’t it?
  4. Be spineless. You can’t fight or stand up for yourself, so your only means of survival is to try to outwit others. This won’t work out though, as everyone will always be a step ahead of you and you’re doomed to failure from the beginning. Just let people take what is yours and only weakly mumble a stupid catchphrase in retaliation. You can’t do anything better because you don’t deserve anything better. You are inferior to others and the weak must fall to the strong.

Coco Puffs

I’ll wrap things up by discussing Sonny, the cuckoo bird who was once the spokesman for Coco Puffs. Here he is being an asshole after making a pathetic attempt not to be one, which he quickly abandons:

What have we learned from all of this?

  1. Self-control is impossible to exercise so don’t even attempt it.
  2. Go around and destroy everything you can if that’s what makes you feel good.
  3. Destruction of public property is just a normal part of being happy about getting something you wanted.
  4. Being “cuckoo”, or mentally ill, is comical. Let’s go out there and laugh at people who struggle with mental illness.

Every time I see I riot take place in a city after their local sports team wins a championship, I directly blame these Coco Puffs commercials for the havoc that ensues. The rioters have been taught that destructive behavior and public indecency is what you’re supposed to do when you get something you want or something happens that you like.

In summation, I have to agree that the commercials featuring these cartoon mascots and others featuring deviant behavior and/or learned helplessness on the part of the characters in them truly are dangerous. They’re not dangerous because they encourage unhealthy eating habits, but rather for the twisted values that they subliminally taught to children. I hope Post and General Mills are happy for destroying the minds of an entire generation.

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It appears I’m back doing this yet again

June 10th, 2015

Well here it is, June, 10, 2015. I started writing this site exactly 6 years, 1 month, and 23 days ago, on April 17, 2009. The site has seen some periods of inactivity during those years (more on that in a moment), some layout changes, and a regrettable period on Tumblr due to vandals destroying the original WordPress site. Other than that, little has changed. I’m typing this at the same chair, at the same desk, with the same man tits, and the same empty wallet as I did when I created this site in 2009. I’m also still in my parents’ house and broke like a compulsive masturbator leaving a porn theater. To sum it up, I’m still pathetic as hell, but if you enjoyed this site in the past then this is good news. You’ll soon be treated to new content featuring more of the same.

Now that that’s out of the way, I’ll give a brief explanation as to my year and a half hiatus. Tumblr sucks ass and after a while I just didn’t feel like posting on there anymore. By the time I decided I wanted to get back to writing for the site, I could no longer remember my password. The e-mail address that I tried to have it sent to had been discontinued due to inactivity so I couldn’t get back in. Add this to a scrape with Google and Tumblr admins randomly taking it down and putting it back up again and you more or less know what this site experienced during 2014 and most of this year. However, being that it is an inanimate object (or actually even less than that as a website isn’t a tangible item), I suppose it didn’t literally experience anything.

Stay tuned in the coming days/months for the irresistible awkwardness and passive hostility that has for some reason made this site a hit in Russia for the past several years.

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No posts were made in 2014

June 11th, 2014

I had to add this so that the 2014 archive page could be activated.

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The 2013 Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show didn’t show much ass, but sucked plenty

December 12th, 2013

I couldn’t think of a more fitting description of the 2013 Victoria’s Secret show than “ass sucking”. This is ironic, because once again, there was barely any ass to be seen. Just like it’s been for the past 8 or 9 years, whenever a model is wearing panties that might even expose just the slightest modicum of ass, she’s in some fucking skirt, cape, or other costume that has nothing to do with lingerie and has no place in a lingerie fashion show.

I actually missed this years Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show when it originally aired since I was working, but just watched it tonight on YouTube. I’m grateful for that, because that means I was able to skip past all the meaningless interviews that are just put in as filler so the network can run the show for an hour and make more money. Damn you CBS.

There’s 1 singular reason why I and any other guy like me tunes into a lingerie fashion show – we’re pathetic, have no lives, and manage to get pussy about as often as February gets to have 29 days. We suck at life and we know it, so our only shot at seeing hot girls in hot lingerie is the Victoria’s Secret fashion show. Well, at least 10 years ago we could. If I wanted to watch rambling videos about the personalities and paths traveled by the models to reach the stage, I’d be watching the Victoria’s Secret Personality Show. There’s no such thing, and thank fucking fuck there’s not. Even I wouldn’t watch it.

During one of the brief interview segments that I didn’t skip through, the models were talking about the Victoria’s Secret commercial they filmed in Paris. Again, no real ass to speak of here either. The only notable part of this segment was the fact that much to my annoyance, the models kept using the phrase “bra and underwear”. This is a phrase which makes no sense as a bra IS underwear. They’re called panties, please refer to them as such and give us dateless wonders a little bit of a thrill in our otherwise intolerable lives.

Getting back to the ass – there were only 3 notable (by notable, I mean non-blurred and lasting for more than 1 second) ass shots during the whole show. Even among these, the best only exposed around 8% of the girl’s ass. Then they put Taylor Swift up on stage who is hot as fuck, but she’s fully clothed. It’s like CBS took a gargantuan shit and then decided to grab me by the neck and rub my nose in it.

I know I’ve bitched about this before in my other Victoria’s Secret posts, but holy shit, stop with the fucking costumes. THEY ARE NOT LINGERIE. When’s the last time you wore 8 foot wings, a 4 foot wide boa, cape, helium ballon, or semi-shredded skirt under your clothes? Probably never, unless you enjoy being extremely uncomfortable and have really bad spending habits. Or maybe you’re a looner. If that’s the case, then maybe you actually would’ve enjoyed the show. If you’re lucky enough to not know what a looner is, look it up. I shouldn’t be the only one to suffer. Lingerie consists of bras and panties. If it’s not something a woman wears under her clothes, it’s not lingerie.

You could extend stockings and garters to the lingerie list, but that brings up another sore point. Why the fuck do so many of the models wear garter belts with dangling straps and no stockings? It makes no sense at all. It’s like going to a ski resort with only poles and no skis. Also, why do the models wear the garter belts right up by their tits? This isn’t 1940. Then again, 1940 wouldn’t be so bad, because then we’d still have the 80s to look forward to.

As usual, the musical guests were annoying as hell and completely unnecessary. I have always hated Fall Out Boy and having them at the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show was just barely less blood boiling than Justin Bieber being on it last year. It’s like the slightly better sensation of getting punched in the balls over getting kicked in the balls. Then there was some band whose members all looked like transvestites (in all seriousness, I don’t know what gender they actually were) and sang some irritating song about how they don’t look for trouble, but trouble looks for them. I don’t look for flaccidity, but it sure as hell looked for me tonight.

The other musical performer was some guy who played a piano and looked like the bastard love child of Art Garfunkel and a soda can. Every once in a while, one of the models would go by and rub her hand on the piano like it was supposed to be really hot or something. Note to all Victoria’s Secret models – that’s not sexy. Walk up to the piano and play it with your tits or just kick the Sodafunkel guy off the bench and moon the crowd. That I’d pay top dollar to see.

That’s it for this year’s review. Of course I’ll be tuning in again next year even though I know it’ll suck even more. Why will I be watching? It’s a combination of stupidity and involuntary celibacy.

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I hate Tom Brady

October 20th, 2013

One of the things that bothers me the most about being on Tumblr rather than WordPress is my inability to fully optimize my posts. I know I’ve complained about that before, but ultimately it leads me getting even fewer hits than I used to and falling down in to the 50s and lower for search terms for which my site used to rank #1. Why do I bring this up now? The answer is simple: I fucking hate Tom Brady and want the whole world to know it.

If ever there was a poster child for the over-indulged, over-celebrated, and over-excused professional athlete, it’s Brady. The guy can do whatever he wants and be an asshole to nearly everyone, yet he’s still some kind of fucking folk hero. One of the things he’s most frequently praised for is being a great teammate. This is ludicrous, as he relates more poorly to his team than any other QB I can ever remember seeing.

When Tom Brady throws a pass that’s too high or too far down the field, he’ll stomp around and squeal at his wide receiver or tight end, insinuating that it was their fault and not his that the pass was wildly off-target. I guess when you’re as spoiled as Tom Brady, you think other people owe it to you to grow 20-foot long arms and have a 96 inch vertical leap. He doesn’t stop after the play either. Once the Patriots’ defense takes the field, you can still seem him pouting on the sidelines and continuing to piss and moan about the guy to whom he threw a pass that even Stretch Armstrong wouldn’t have been able to reel in.

Brady is like that one rich spoiled kid you knew growing up. Everyone had one of these little douches in their life. The kid who had the rich parents, had all the most expensive toys, wore the most expensive clothes, and would get preferential treatment wherever he went. It wasn’t good enough for him just to have it; he wasn’t satisfied until he’d rubbed everyone’s nose in it. The second one single thing, no matter how small didn’t go his way, the wheels would fall off and the tantrums would begin. Tom Brady to a T.

He gets to bang some of the hottest women in the world, and even that’s not good enough for him. He cheats on one supermodel with Giselle Bundchen. Why can’t I fuck a Victoria’s Secret model? Sure, I’m fat, balding, poor, and pathetic in most every way, but at least I can make it five minutes without crying. I’m surprised Puffs of Kleenex haven’t attempted to get Tom Brady signed for some sort of endorsement deal. “Patriots Puffs” – I can see it now.

The guy is just a complete douche yet everyone loves him. Shit, a former priest at a church I went to would even mention him in practically every other sermon. He’s single-handedly ruined the number 12 for me. I think he’s especially petulant this season because he misses his ass buddy Aaron Hernandez. Now that Hernandez is in prison, he’s probably made a whole slew of new ass buddies and Brady can’t handle that thought.

I hate Rob Gronkowski too. Every time someone says “Gronk Spike” I want to whip out a butcher knife and hack their vocal cords into microscopic bits. It’s not really that hard to throw a football into the ground unless you’re either paralyzed or missing your arms. Gronkowski falls into neither of those categories and therefore should not be lionized for doing something 99.99% of everyone else in the world could do just as efficiently.

Today Gronkowski played in his first game back after an injury and he didn’t manage to convert a single touchdown against the Jets. That’s good for my television set, because if the announcer called a Gronk Spike I probably would’ve thrown a brick through the screen.

Since the game has now been over for about 2 hours, my guess is that Brady is currently doing one of three things. He’s either still in the locker room chewing out guys who had nothing to do with the outcome of the game (even if they’re not physically present), sitting at home and crying next to 300 jars of Vaseline adorned with the number 81, or still on the field, curled up into a ball, crying, and ineffectually waving his hands about.

No professional athlete will ever have the level of scorn from me that Michael Vick does, but Brady is probably the guy who comes the closest. I wish they’d make a Rock ‘em Sock ’em Robots game where one boxer was Vick and the other was Brady. Hell, I’m 30 and would never get tired of playing that game and I imagine anyone who’s neither a Patriots nor Eagles fan would feel the same.

As a side note, I’m getting pretty fucking tired of the expression “pick 6” being used when anyone throws an interception. The expression pick 6 is only applicable if the interception leads to a touchdown, but lately every announcer is using it to describe any interception. Some of them are pick threes, and some are pick zeros. It could also be a pick negative 2 if they player who intercepts the pass eventually gets backed into his team’s end zone and is tackled. Stop saying pick six.

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The next person who talks about Radio 104.1 is getting my foot up their ass

October 3rd, 2013

For fuck’s sake. Lately I can never watch TV or drive by a billboard without seeing some reference to radio 104.1. For those of you who don’t live in New England, radio 104.1 is a shitty station that plays “alternative” music and is worshiped by nearly everyone in the region. I’ve never once voluntarily listened to it, but I think it recently came back after being off the air for a while. Either that or their current advertising campaign makes no sense.

I think it’s another part of the societal cancer that is ‘90s nostalgia. 104.1 first got big during that decade and tried to brand itself as the rebellious and anti-establishment radio station, yet it was about as against-the-grain as breathing or walking. I would wager that 4 out of every 5 students I attended high school with owned a Radio 104.1 Fest (more on that in a minute) t-shirt, cap, bumper sticker, or something else related to the station that sets the world record for transmitting the most wallaby jizz over the airwaves of any other entity in history.

In the 90s and early 00s there was an annual event called Radio 104 Fest that every asshole I knew went to. They’d go and listen to all of their “rebellious” bands so they could be non-conformists just like everyone else. I’d spend my time wishing that there’d be some sort of electrical storm that would wipe everyone at the event out. Actually, that’s just retrospection. I was probably either at Wendy’s or at home watching porn.

They have a new series of commercials running on TV lately, all of which take place in a setting where some sort of violent disaster has apparently happened. Inevitably, there will be two people, one of them adjusting a car radio, and the other standing around looking comatose. Eventually, the radio guy manages to tune in to Douche Radio and the comatose person suddenly looks up in awe and asks what’s going on. At this point, the radio operator gets this profound look on his face and says something like, “It’s something great I listened to a long time ago…” Then the screen fades to black and puts up 104’s logo and states that it’s back on the air.

First off, the 90s haven’t even been over for a full 14 years yet. Secondly, 104.1 didn’t go down until some time in the mid 00s. Unless you’re pre-pubescent, a crackhead, or possibly both, anything from that recent of a time period should not seem ancient and mysterious. I cringe to think of what it’s going to be like in about ten years when the 90s nostalgia wave really hits in a massive shit tsunami. (Generally, it seems to take about 30 years for a decade to really start having its junk blown by everyone who was alive for it. Preserve the 80s started in 2009, so don’t blow the hypocrite whistle. On second thought, go ahead. At least the 80s are worth getting on your knees and blowing with all your might.)

Holy shit, the 2020’s are going to fucking suck. We’ll be seeing even more 90s nostalgia and the decade will almost definitely start with either Hillary Clinton or Chris Christie as president. Hopefully I’ll be living in Estonia by then.

Getting back to the subject at hand, Radio 104.1 sucks balls, so stop obsessing over it and acting like it’s Megan Fox’s vaginal ejaculation. They played all of the shittiest bands from one of the shittiest decades. I think the two I hated most were (well are, their format hasn’t changed at all) Green Day and Rage Against the Machine. You already know I fucking hate Green Day if you’ve ever been on this site before. I have not yet declared my hatred for Rage Against the Machine, so I’ll do that now.

This is a band that is the musical equivalent of the 2 girls 1 cup video. Mother of fuck, I hated them with every ounce of my being and still do. You’re certainly raging against “the machine” when you’re a popular band getting widespread airtime and having every little douchebag jr high kid on the planet walking around in your merchandise. Damn, that’s some hardcore anti-establishment shit right there.

That last paragraph reminded me of this obnoxious little shit I went to jr high school with who seemed to wear the same Rage Against the Machine shirt every single fucking day. He liked to pretend he was some kind of badass, walking around in his douche band shirt, BOSS jeans, and backwards cap. Too bad he lost all his “street cred” by way of being a middle class white kid who was about 4 feet tall and had a voice high-pitched enough to shatter glass.

This has probably been the most rambling and tangential article I’ve ever written. It just goes to show much ass Radio 104.1 sucks, because it’s in one way or another related to everything in the universe that sucks. Maybe if it goes down again, everything else in the world that I hate will disappear too. Then there will be little else left other than fast food restaurants and Cuban girls with gigantic asses.

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Shut the puck up about hockey

September 15th, 2013

It’s that time of year again. Football season is officially underway, the baseball playoffs are coming up and basketball season is on the horizon. Every year without fail, this is the time that hockey fans start yammering on and on about how much they love hockey and how much every other sport sucks. There’s only one problem – hockey fucking sucks ass.

There is absolutely no sport that is more boring to watch than hockey. It’s basically just soccer on ice and with sticks. Actually no, it’s even more boring than soccer. At least soccer (international soccer, not MLS which is about as irrelevant as this site) has hooligans. Hooligans make any event better, no matter how much it sucks.

Some people argue that hockey is fun to watch because of the fights. Hockey fights are not amusing in the slightest. With all the protective gear immobilizing the players, as well as the fact that they’re on ice skates, no real ass kicking can really occur. It’s like watching two marionettes duke it out. There’s just lots of entanglement and not a whole lot of real action going on.

The most annoying thing about hockey has to be its fans. They think they’re some kind of honorable brotherhood and if you’re not a part of it, you’re just a philistine who doesn’t know shit about sports. If you’re a football fan, baseball fan, or basketball fan, they think anything you say in person or post online is just idle bullshit but their hockey musings are pure gold.

There was this rotten little bastard I went to school with (same one referenced in the How I Met Your Mother post) who was obsessed with hockey. In 5th grade we had to write haikus about Christmas that would be put in to books that we’d bring home to our parents. All of that kid’s haikus ended up being about hockey and he couldn’t even get the 5/7/5 pattern right in any of them. Fucking bastard. Pepsi girl also was a big hockey fan. If you’re asking yourself, “Who’s Pespi girl?” this is obviously your first time visiting this site.

I was in Chicago this past June. I was there on business, not by choice. I would never voluntarily set foot in Shitcago. Anyway, I was there the night the Blackhawks beat the Bruins in the Stanley Cup Championship. Everyone was running around and going apeshit and trashing the neighborhood to an even worse extent of trash than what it already was, which was no easy feat. Even though I hate hockey and don’t watch it, those are my two most hated teams in the NHL. Boston and Chicago teams always get top priority hatred, with New Orleans coming up in a very close 3rd place.

The last time I even came close to giving a shit about hockey was when the Whalers left Connecticut and became the Carolina Hurricanes. I never went to a Whalers game and almost never watched any, but having 1 major league level sports team in Connecticut made it seem a little less pathetic, even if it was a hockey team.

Another irritating aspect of hockey is that due to the small size of the puck and its dark color, it’s impossible to see what’s going on half of the time. It’s like what you’d get if the TV networks draped a black cloth over the camera lens every 5 seconds during the broadcast of a real sport. The only thing that’s even remotely non-shitty about hockey is that one of the most commonly played songs at hockey games was written by Stompin’ Tom Connors, the greatest man in Canadian history.

On another note… no, forget it. Fuck hockey.

 

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The ten shittiest songs ever written

September 1st, 2013

When it comes to music, if it wasn’t written between 1980-89 and/or by Social Distortion, The Butthole Surfers, or the Paxil Clowns, I pretty much hate it all. However, there are some that are exceptionally irksome to the point that every time I hear them played, my Shawcross Sense starts tingling. Unfortunately for me, most of these are/were wildly popular and so it’s not at all unusual to have to hear them when venturing out of my house.

I have a special hatred for all dubstep music, so intense that my scorn for it won’t even allow me to recognize it enough to include it in the upcoming list. Listening to dubstep is worse than having an orgy in a convalescent home whilst simultaneously having to eat fifty-three of those disgusting vegetable patty things they sell at Subway. Enough of my palaver. Time to start the shit list.

10. “Dirrty” – Christina Aguilera

Where to begin on this one? First off, Christina Aguilera has the worst singing voice of anyone I have ever heard in my life. When I was in elementary school, we had several presentations by the Theater of the Deaf. In one of their performances, they attempted to sing. I was six years old and it scared the living fuck out of me. Still, that’s like a facesitting session from Vida Guerra compared to listening to Christina Aguilera.

I hate Family Guy, but shit, did they ever pin it right on the nose when they described Christina Aguilera as being offensive to all five senses. I hate the way she tries to sound like she’s black when she sings and how she always does that half-choked moaning thing. Honestly, I hate pretty much all of her songs pretty much equally. There are however two reasons why “Dirrty” stands out from the rest. One is that I got shot down by a really hot girl who used the song title as part of her AIM screen name (she did moon me once though, so it wasn’t a total loss), and the 2nd is that it’s ruined several potentially enjoyable stripper performances.

9. “Friday” – Rebecca Black

No list of terrible music is complete without “Friday”. I’ve gotten out of bed, eaten cereal, and entered cars several times and it’s really not thrilling enough to be the basis for a song. If you’re under 18, you shouldn’t be allowed to sing in public under any circumstance. If this song sucked just a little bit less ass, I’d feel sorry for Rebecca Black and the other kids who appeared in the music video, but no. It was their choice to be in this and they must suffer the consequences.

I think the most annoying part is when all the little shits are in the car (none of whom look anywhere near old enough to drive) and pump their fists in the air while Black sings something like “Partying, partying yeah! Looking forward to the weeeeekend”. If you’re already partying on Friday morning, then why do you have to look forward to the weekend? It has to be a 3 day weekend already. Either that or they’re skipping school and driving illegally. They should’ve had a scene in the video where a cop pulls them over and throws all of their amelodic asses in juvenile hall. Hopefully not the one in my town though.

8. “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” – The Clash

This is one of the most irritating songs ever written. From the dragged-out whining by Joe Strummer and repetitive meaningless lyrics, this song is shittier than a septic tank. As a fan of early punk bands and a member of a few punk bands in my younger days, I’ve often taken heat for hating the Clash, and even moreso for hating the Ramones (who are responsible for the next song on this list). Every time I hear this song, it’s like sitting in the dentist chair, as the hygienist picks away at your teeth and you’re just gutting it out and waiting for it to be over.

The whole punk movement is about going against the grain and rejecting the mainstream. Despite this, every once in a great while a punk band comes out with a song that the mainstream loves and without exception, these songs always suck. This is the 2nd best example of such a song.

7. “Blitzkrieg Bop” – The Ramones

I’ll say it plain and bluntly – I fucking hate the Ramones. They’re like what the Sex Pistols would be if they all got together one day and decided to suck as much ass as possible and dedicating their lives to prancing around pretending to be badasses. I mentioned in my rant about “Should I Stay or Should I Go?” that it was the 2nd best example of a punk song that really sucks being espoused by the mainstream. “Blitzkrieg Bop” is number one.

This is a song you hear everywhere. It’ll be played at just about every athletic event imaginable, in bars, restaurants, and in far too many commercials. Communications company commercials are by far the most annoying variety, and I can immediately think of at least 3 of them in which this song is featured.

6. Any Hippie Jam Band Song

It doesn’t really matter that I didn’t pick a specific song or band for this one, since they all sound exactly the same. Whether it be the Grateful Dead, Phish, The Allman Brothers, Ratdog (yes, I know they’re related to the Grateful Dead), Cream, The Disco Biscuits or any other hygiene hating band, they’re all identical. A lot of my friends love this shit and base their whole lives around it, spending all of their spare money going to jam fests and trying to involve hippie music in everything they do.

This is the formula for any hippie jam band song:

1. High-pitched, whining, interminable guitar solos
2. Short bursts of lyrics that are intended to be really profound but fail miserably in the attempt
3. A drummer who is physically present but doesn’t do anything
4. Lots of weed smoking, as there’s no other way to listen to this without killing yourself.
5. Profits for Lowe’s and Home Depot due to the extra rope they sell for those who cannot procure said weed.

90% of the people who listen to this kind of music are lazy, unemployed, self-righteous assholes who have never done anything meaningful or contributed anything to anyone in their wasted lives. This doesn’t stop them from getting in your face and ramming their politics down your throat like they’re Ron Jeremy and you’re Jenna Jameson.

5. “Day-O”

The one and only good thing about this song is that it’s pretty short. If it were any longer, I’d find out who originally composed it, book a flight to their homeland, and take a piss on their grave. This is another one you hear a lot at athletic events, but it’s not really clear why. Standing around and waiting to have bananas that you’ve assembled be counted up by some asshole has no clear connection to any sport I can think of. There’s also no really specific time during the games that they’ll play this song. It’ll just randomly strike like a bolt of lightning annihilating your balls. The audience will always sing along without fail, though mercifully they seldom if ever go beyond the first two “Day Os”. The only way this song could become more annoying would be if Christina Aguilera were to sing it. Fuck, that would be worse than death.

4. “What I Like About You” – The Romantics

This is a song that fortunately isn’t as omnipresent as it once was. That doesn’t make me hate it any less though. During the early 90s, there was a parody of this song that replaced “You” with “Tim” and showed clips of Tim Taylor in a commercial for Home Improvement. The last time I mentioned Home Improvement on this website was four years ago, and my hatred of it has not abated one bit since. This song is just plain annoying and there’s little else than can be said about it. The penalty for playing this song should be having to eat out Michelle Obama. No, I take that back. Nobody deserves that degree of torture.

3. “All Star” – Smash Mouth

For many years, this was my all-time most hated song until some other assholes somehow managed to write songs that were even worse. Hearing this song takes me back to my high school days when I was surrounded by so many assholes that I didn’t know if I was in school or at a proctologist’s office. It would play on the bus, it played at the prom, and it played on just about everyone’s disk-man. Shit, that makes me pine for the pre-iPod days and the days before mobile Internet existed. It’s sort of like waxing nostalgic for the few seconds where only one of your balls has been kicked right after kick number two is meted out.

Everything about Smash Mouth was annoying. I hated their music, I hated their voices, I hated the way they looked, and I hated their music videos. Every time I hear this song, it’s like having a slide show play of all the biggest bastards and bitches I knew during high school. “All Star” was also featured in the first “Now That’s What I Call Music” CD that I can remember seeing. That alone is reason enough to hate anything.

2. “American Idiot” – Green Day

If ever there existed a person designed for having their ass kicked, it’s Billie Joe Armstrong. I fucking hate everything about him, but I hate his music most of all. “American Idiot” became the rallying cry of every teenager and college kid who didn’t understand or really care about politics, but were brainwashed with enough of the “America is always the bad guy” mantra that is preached by all public schools. The thing is, Billie Joe Armstrong is an American Idiot. He’s an idiot, and he lives in America. Why does he spell Billie with an ie and not a y? Is it some kind of a tribute to Billie Jean King? Is his formal name something other than William? Forget it, I don’t give a shit about the way he spells his name and neither do you. A shit heap by any other name would smell as sweet.

Billie Joe Asshole

I’d like to break this guy’s jaw even more than the hipster kid shown in my last post.

I first became aware of Green Day when I was in 7th grade and was in an English class with this kid who was obsessed with the Green Day album Dookie. Anyone who refers to shit as dook or dookie is a guaranteed asshole (no pun intended) and incurs my immediate hatred. Green Day had the rare courtesy to kind of go away for a while after that but then shit their way back on to the national scene again with “American Idiot”. The band’s drummer calls himself Tre Cool. That should be grounds for castration.

1. “Kernkraft 400” – Zombie Nation

Kernkraft 400 literally translates to “Nuclear – by virtue of 400”. That’s a really dumb name for a song. Yes, I know the literal English translation isn’t what the band intended for the title to mean, but still, what a fucking stupid title for a song. From what I’ve read, it’s supposed to mean something more like “Nuclear Power 400”. Still sucks.

The part of this song I hate the most is the “whoa-oh-oh-oh-oh” part that constitutes the chorus of the song. Large groups of assembled assholes love to bust out and sing this part ad nauseum for no apparent reason. Stop. Please. It’s probably the only sound in the world more annoying than a baby crying (except for a baby laughing). It’s the vocal equivalent of the annoying tendency for crowds to start randomly tossing a beach ball around.

While this is by far the most annoying song I’ve ever heard and my most hated song in the entire universe, there’s one thing that makes me hate it even more than the reasons listed above. A while ago I was on YouTube and watching some videos of burlesque routines, which are infinitely hotter than modern-day harlot style stripping. Two words: ass tassels.

Moving on. Two of the videos I found were of this blazingly hot brunette girl who went by the name of Frenchy and as you would expect, she started out her routine in a French maid uniform. She quite seductively goes on to remove her various articles of clothing until it (appears) that she’s only wearing pasties and a g-string. Kernkraft 400 was the sole soundtrack for both of her videos, which almost made me hate it a little less. Note that I said almost. As I looked a little closer, I realized she was wearing skin-toned pantyhose with the g-string over them, so she really wasn’t exposing her ass at all. This changed my hatred of Kernkraft 400 into a cartoonish-level abhorrence that is best left undescribed, should I ever be subject to a sanity hearing.

Here’s one of the Frenchy videos below. She turned striptease into a literal tease and the only true justice would be for her to put herself over my knee, sans pantyhose, and be spanked until the cows come home, and then for a little while longer with the cows watching. Don’t let the awkward look in the freeze frame fool you. This girl is really fucking hot.

 

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The Museum of Annoying People

August 18th, 2013

If you remember the Man Show (the Adam Carolla/Jimmy Kimmel version, not the Rogan & Stanhope farce), chances are you’ll remember a segment they’d do every once in a while called “The Museum of Annoying Guys”. Predictably enough, this would consist of archetypes of various annoying people and explanations as to what makes them annoying. This will be pretty much the same thing, only it’ll cover both genders.

Let’s get the douche parade going and introduce the people who grind my gears until they shatter.

The “Succesful” Guy
Before I begin, I want to stress that I don’t mean this in the “99%” kind of way or as an expression of self-entitlement to things I haven’t earned. It’s not against successful people in general (hence the quotes around Successful) but rather those who aren’t happy unless everyone in the world knows how great they have it.

The Successful Guy is someone usually between the ages of about 30 and 60 who has to spend every second of his life broadcasting to the world how great he his and how many needless possessions he’s managed to rack up for himself. In most cases, he’ll be married to a self-loathing trophy wife who loves the money but hates her husband. You can always see the desperately miserable look in her eyes when she has to do anything with him that doesn’t involve a shopping spree.

The Successful guy has to own a boat, only the most expensive cars, designer clothing, and a summer home that may or may not ever see use. What makes this guy so annoying isn’t what he’s achieved (if he’s earned it) but rather the fact that he uses any place he goes as a platform to stand up and say, “Look at me! I’m better than you! Look at all the great shit I have! Please? Oh God, if someone doesn’t pay some attention to me soon I’ll be alone with my thoughts and I’ll have to come to terms with what a douche I am and how if it weren’t for my money, everyone would hate me. Ok world, have it your way! You won’t recognize my greatness, so you don’t deserve me. Now I’m whipping out my 1898 Luger, the most expensive gun you’ve ever seen!” BANG!

Bye-bye, Successful Guy.

The Roid-Rage Workout Guy

I think we all know at least one of these guys in our lives. All they ever talk about is the gym and how ripped they are and they can’t seem to go 5 minutes without taking off their shirts and snapping a few hundred self-shot pictures in front of a bathroom mirror. They haven’t done anything else of worth in their otherwise pedestrian lives, so they think they have to make up for it by being Mr Universe. They’re always looking for a fight and like to stir up shit with complete strangers just because they get a thrill out of thinking they’ve intimidated someone. They’re usually the high school jock types whose glory days of giving swirlies and scoring clumsy and awkward inexperienced action after school dances have passed. Now they’re just clinging to anything to validate their existence and failing miserably.

The Female Gearhead
There are actually two sub-types to this variety of annoying women. One breed knows a lot about cars and can never shut the fuck up about how they can do anything under the hood better than any guy. They constantly talk about how they’re challenging gender roles and what “Tom Boys” they are. Little do they care that by using that phrase, they’re actually reinforcing gender roles rather than turning them upside down. I don’t think that’d bother them though, just so long as everyone in the room knows they have a vagina and a working knowledge of auto maintenance.

The second kind of female gearhead is ten times more annoying than the one described above. This is a woman who doesn’t know anything about cars and is lucky if she even knows how to pump gas. Despite this, she’ll ramble on and on about cars all the time, whether it be whatever model she’s currently fixated on or how she won’t date a guy who doesn’t drive a muscle car or something that cost enough to make a down payment on a mansion. I had an ex girlfriend who fell into this category. Her obsession was with Del Sols and she owned two of them during the time I was dating her. She fucked up the first one by going 25,000 miles without an oil change and the second one she smashed up while driving it into the side of a grocery store.

The Baby-Obsessed Woman

I’ve mentioned this particular annoying person before in at least one previous post, but they piss me off enough that I’ll light into them again here. This is a woman who goes far above and beyond the typical pride and happiness one normally and understandably enough feels after having a kid (especially if its her first). Suddenly, every single thing she says, whether it be in person or through social media is about her new bundle of soiled diapers.

Whether you want it or not, you’ll not only know every detail of the kid’s life, but also receive a running commentary on every single moment of their day and every action they perform therein. They just don’t seem to understand that other people aren’t going to have the same fixation and enthusiasm with their baby that they do. There’s a saying a lot of anti-religious people like to use that goes something like, “A religion is a lot like a penis. It’s okay to have one and it’s nice that you’re proud of it, but that doesn’t mean you should around go waving it in everyone’s face.” Same goes for your baby, so please, put it away for a while.

The Intolerant Preacher of Tolerance

This is a variety of sub-human who I think nearly everyone hates. They exist in both genders, all age groups, and across all points of the political spectrum. They preach love, kindness, and understanding of all people, regardless of what differences it is they may posses. The trouble is, this all comes crumbling down for them when another person makes one fatal error – expressing an opinion that doesn’t jibe with theirs. Once this happens, the dam breaks open and the floodgates of kindergarten insults come at you like a tidal wave.

This person will shit on your beliefs like they’re in a German porn video, yet expect you to respond by doing a 180 and suddenly agreeing with them 100%. The worst ones are the people who have stubbornly rigid opinions about something with which they have no experience and it’s something you’ve lived with and have had the best teacher of all – life experience. They’ll throw numbers and quotes at you from articles spun by authors who subscribe to their philosophy of choice and insist that you don’t know what you’re talking about. After all, you’ve only experienced it first hand. They’ve read about it.

The Really Unattractive Girl Who Think’s She’s Hot

Let’s face it, you can’t help how you look. If you’ve gone through my site and seen my pictures, you know I’m the last person on Earth who is in any position to make negative remarks about someone else’s appearance. Being unattractive in and of itself isn’t annoying or offensive, but come on, you know the type of person I’m talking about here. Everyone knew one or two of these kind of girls in high school or college – the girl who could’ve compensated by having a nice personality and legitimate self respect, but instead chose to live in a world of self-delusion, strutting about with an insufferable degree of arrogance and unearned confidence on what a hot piece of ass she supposedly is.

This girl loves to go around in barely-there clothing, even when she very obviously doesn’t have the body for it. She’ll babble on and on about how every guy on Earth wants her and is trying to score with her like she’s a hockey puck. One law of the universe is that no matter how hideous you may be, someone equally hideous and horny is out there willing to have sex with you. Whenever I think of this annoying archetype, I’m reminded of this one girl I went to school with from elementary school straight through high school. She had the most grating personality of anyone I’ve ever met and loved to dress like a harlot.

Being of the aesthetically-unpleasing and sex deprived variety myself, even I would’ve rather had a circle jerk with all of my great-grandfathers (including the dead ones) than touch, let alone bang this girl. She got pregnant 3 or 4 times in high school and walked around as if her ongoing series of abortions were some kind of trophy that confirmed that she was our generation’s leading sex symbol.

Again, had this girl had a nice personality, had true respect for herself and her body, or achieved anything other than having sex with old perverts and making me temporarily impotent, I probably wouldn’t even have included this category in my article. She took the low road as everyone else of this personality type does, and thus deserves to be enshrined in the Museum of Annoying People. She also tended to eat with her mouth open, which was equally revolting.

Hipsters
This one doesn’t need an explanation. Seriously, look at this guy’s picture and honestly tell me you don’t have the urge to break his jaw.

 

The “I just found myself” Person

This one covers a wide variety of annoying bastards and bitches and is kind of hard to sum up in a single category. Generally it’s someone who has just decided to take on some identity that they never were associated with before and they feel it’s their duty to impart the information to everyone in the world with all the subtlety of a sledge hammer. It could be a random new religious affiliation, newly declared Atheism, a new political position, membership in a new subculture (ie the newly formed neo-hippie who won’t shut the fuck up about how much weed he smokes), and so on.

In some cases, rather than taking on a new personal identity, this person will suddenly become obsessed with some random cause that they have no personal connection with whatsoever. They often know little about that of which they speak, much like the Intolerant Preacher of Tolerance introduced earlier in this article. That sure doesn’t stop them from shoving their issue of choice in your face and becoming convinced that you’re the next Hitler if you disagree with them.

That’s it for this round of the Museum of Annoying People, but stay tuned as there are many exhibits to be included as this world has no shortage of douchery. Maybe in the next installment I’ll get around to the pudgy, balding, 30-year-old bloggers who still live with their parents and whose opinions are of no meaning whatsoever. I have to be careful about what I say on that one though, or I might end up getting offended and kicking my own ass.

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